Today marks 18 years since we lost my sister, Pamela, to suicide. After all these years, we’ve received somewhat of a confirmation as to what happened. Before now, there was nothing but speculation. Through the years, I’ve had people come to me with their theories. What good does any of that do? It certainly doesn’t bring her back, and honestly, there is no “closure” in what was just recently confirmed.
The long and short of it is – my sister’s husband was NOT faithful to her throughout their marriage. This was told by a family member close to HIM last week. I suspected, as things did not quite add up with other theories. Imagine the devastation my sister felt upon learning she received a STD from the man she loved, who she thought was faithful to her … and then ultimately feeling without hope after learning the affairs still continued when she was pregnant and after delivering her beautiful baby girl. Add in the other stressors new mothers feel, and I imagine she did feel like all hope was gone.
Drama has been brought into my life by people who honestly do not deserve me. I’ve been talked about from his “new” girlfriend that thinks she’s going to be with him til they die. NO, honey, I hate to tell you. You are only the one he’s sleeping with right now. Think what you will of me – nothing you’ve been told is the truth here where I’m concerned – but believe what you want. I will NOT have anything further to do with you … or that side of the family. You may have been present at the birth of my great nephew, my sister’s grandbaby … but only because you pushed your way in. I do not have to have ANY further interaction with you, and I won’t. You have slandered my name, called my niece and cried for four hours on the phone when she was staying with me spewing hatred and discord. You are an evil person.
My life will go on … it has for 18 years when my niece was taken from me multiple times throughout the years. They’d let me have her, then take her back. Let me have her again, then take her back once again. The reason for this was just recently confirmed also; from what I was told, he had a “thing” for me all these years. His version of the story is that he rejected me … but that is a lie, as I am the one that rejected HIM. He was my sister’s husband, and frankly, I would never have anything to do with him from a romantic interest as he’s certainly not my type … but it’s gross to even think of us ever being together. NOT in your wildness dreams, honey! EVER
So today, I sit here writing these words letting go of drama – other people’s drama that they have brought to my door step. I’ve done all I’m going to do here to try to be friendly and extend my hand to people that have pretty much held the gun and pulled the trigger, as far as I’m concerned, with their behavior. They have caused this with my sister.
I’ve been used – for what I could provide to these people. But that ends today as well.
Christians are called to turn the other cheek, give of themselves, etc. But you have a right as a Christian to step away from those who DO NOT have your best interest in their heart and mind. The ones that seek to do evil things to do you, the ones that gloat about what happened and tell the drama with such giddiness in their voices … The users … the moochers … the ones that lie and stir up trouble.
I release you all …
They don’t have to answer to me for any of this. But one day, they will ALL answer to God for their part in this with my sister … and with me.
I miss my sister every single day and wish things were different. I wish I could have saved her. Those feelings will never go away.
Yesterday and today I have been surrounded with friends who have reached out and loved on me even though they are in different states. This weekend I have been encouraged and supported through high school friends as well who have been a blessing in my life. I know I am loved and people are rallying around me … I only wish my sister had that 18 years ago in her own household. Sadly, things took a tragic turn, and we mourn her loss all these years later.
I haven’t wept today. I haven’t done anything to mark this “tender day.” I have only gone on living, as I feel like my life should honor God … and my sister … in some small way.
This weekend on the boat, God showed me a beautiful rainbow … and I cling to His promises.