We are our own worst enemies, and when we fall short, we are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever possibly be!   I know you can relate, as you “beat yourself up” all the time in your mind and in your thoughts, just like I do.  We are so unforgiving to ourselves when we truly need forgiveness.  God forgives us freely if we ask, and yet here we are holding on to things and hurting ourselves repeatedly by what we are saying with our negative self talk.  Would you say this to a friend?  All of the thoughts swirling around in your head, all of the times you down yourself for when you’ve fallen short … no, you would NOT say those things to your friend, and if you did, I doubt you would remain friends afterwards.

We need a gentle reminder to be just that with ourselves, GENTLE!

I fell short yesterday.  When I fall, I truly fall hard, fast, and hit the ground with a very loud THUMP!  I am NOT proud of it at all and actually wish I would not do this ever again!  I remind myself, though, that I am only human and no matter how much I try … how hard I try to control my thoughts, my mouth, and yes, even my temper, they all can work against me at times.  Yesterday was one of those times.

You see, this situation involved my oldest daughter.  BOTH of my daughters are my life!  They are my world!  Yesterday I witnessed a situation where my daughter could have been injured or worse.  It is not often that I allow my daughter to get into the car with other teenage drivers.  I actually thought yesterday that a parental figure would be present when we dropped my daughter off where she was meeting other friends after a game.  When we arrived, we found that there were just a few teenagers there, and my daughter was to ride with the teens instead.  I hesitated at first, then I prayed and asked God for protection over them.  I told myself that this was just a short ride they would be taking to get to where the parental figure awaited.

The teens wanted to wait in the parking lot talking to other teens, but I would not leave until they left.   My presence was not welcomed, as you can imagine, yet I still would not leave until they did.  One even looked over at me and said, “You can go now …” and motioned for me to leave.  Um, NO!  I said that I was not leaving until they did!  One teenager, obviously disturbed then, spun around in her car and cut in front of me as she left.  Then when I saw the other teens were in their car ready to leave and would pull out behind me, I began to drive off myself.   As we turned right out of the parking lot, a tractor trailer came past us going in the opposite direction.  He had a bit of speed behind him, even though the speed limit was only 35 mph right there but turned to 45 not too far up the road from where we were.  As I glanced in my rear view mirror, I witnessed the car behind me pulled out in front of the tractor trailer!   The first words out of my mouth were, “Oh my gosh, can you believe they just pulled out in front of that tractor trailer?!”   Immediately followed by, “OH MY GOD, MY DAUGHTER IS IN THAT CAR!!!”

Now, if you’ve been following my blog, you will remember that exactly one week ago my parents were involved in an accident where a tractor trailer rear ended them as they sat still waiting at a red light.  My parents are one of very few that walked away from an accident with a tractor trailer.  They are two miracles walking as they were not seriously injured from the impact.  Praise GOD for His protection!

My reaction, after I witnessed the car of teenagers pulling out in front of the tractor trailer, was that of pure horror as the events of last Friday were still fresh in my mind of seeing my parents both laying on stretchers side by side in the emergency room at the hospital.   I felt as if I really should have listened to my inner voice that hesitated allowing my daughter to get in the car in the FIRST place, and yet I went against my better judgement only to witness what could have been a fatal accident with my darling daughter in the back seat of that car!   Words cannot adequately express what I was feeling and the thoughts that were racing in my head at that moment in time.

I called my daughter right away to tell her that we were going to pick her up due to what I had just witnessed.   My daughter said that the passenger in the car actually told the driver to, “Go!”   Then the passenger defended herself by saying, “We had plenty of time.”   I beg to differ!  I witnessed it!   My husband witnessed it!   We both feel that when a tractor trailer is involved that you do NOT play around with it and that you should, instead, give it PLENTY of space because of how hard it is for a tractor trailer to stop!  It isn’t like a regular car where you can almost stop on a dime.  No, it is completely different for a tractor trailer!   They require advance notice to be able to stop, and tractor trailers are to be respected due to this!   It is hard to get a teenager to grasp this concept.  They were anxious to catch up with their other friends.  I do understand that, but you do NOT under any circumstances pull out in front of a tractor trailer!  EVER! AND … the driver of the vehicle is responsible of their car, so they should always check to make sure it is clear before they ever pull out – no matter WHO in the car says it is okay for them to go! You do not ever rely on someone else, YOU LOOK YOURSELF!

On this very road maybe two years ago there was an accident that I came upon involving a teenager at the school rushing to get their uniform from their house and rushing back to school when they were hit by a tractor trailer.  This young man had to be cut out of his vehicle!  It was a scary sight when I drove up on it, recognizing the teenager’s car as one of the guys that goes to my daughter’s school!   He lived to tell about it, although his leg was broken, but again, most are NOT that lucky!

Thankfully, last night the teens in the front seat of the car needed to stop for gas, so their ride with my daughter in the backseat was maybe ten minutes at the most from the school to the gas station before they were to meet up with their parental figure.  Yet, this short ride could have cost my daughter her life!

When we reached the gas station, we pulled up beside their vehicle.  As my daughter got out of their backseat, my husband was getting out of our vehicle to speak to the male driver of the vehicle that pulled out in front of the tractor trailer.   As he approached the vehicle, the car started rolling as the driver was attempting to leave!   My husband called out after him because my daughter was trying to get her belongings out of the vehicle and my husband was speaking to him as he started rolling off!   When my husband called out several times, “Whoa!  Whoa …” the driver STILL attempted to roll off any way!   Terror, shock, and now anger flowed through my veins because once again my daughter was being threatened as he could have rolled over her foot as she was still right there at the car door WITH the door open as he was trying to roll off!   I jumped out of my vehicle so fast and went around the front of their vehicle DETERMINED that he was going to stop!  I realized moments later that this was really a stupid move because he could have hit me, but I did this to get his attention so that he would stop!   I realize he did not want to hear what we, as parents, had to say.  Well, he was going to any way!   Thankfully, with eyes wide in surprise by seeing me standing in front of the vehicle, he stopped … and I lived to tell about it!  Whew!   But, here is where I really needed grace …

In this moment, I let it be known that my parents could have died in a car accident last week with a tractor trailer and you just do not play around by pulling out in front of one!   Then I told them that they needed to learn a little respect!  ALL of them!  From the girl that told me that I could leave now when we dropped my daughter off, to the girl that spun around and cut in front of me, to the boy that pulled out in front of the tractor trailer threatening their lives, respect FOR said tractor trailer, and for him rolling off when my husband was speaking to him as my daughter gathered her belongings from the back seat of their car.   Yes, ALL of them needed to learn respect.

I had enough sense about me at that point to realize I was losing control fast, and so I immediately went back to my seat as my daughter and husband got in our vehicle also.   I began to pray, but I was shaking all over.   The more I thought about it, the madder I became, and the worse I would shake.  At the same time, I looked down at my phone, after trying to call the teenager’s parental figure without an answer (three times!), and I saw a message from one of my friends.  Instead of texting her back, I called … that is probably one call she wishes she hadn’t answered!   I was so upset that I was probably screaming (okay, I was …) in her ear as I told her every thing that had just happened not even a minute before I placed my call.   Thankfully, she listened, she loved, she offered her care, concern, and compassion … and she allowed me to talk it out until I could calm down.  It did not take long at all before I was no longer shaking and my anger was starting to subside as I was returning to my calm state.

I realize that there were several things going on last night that contributed to the extreme anxiety I felt surrounding the entire situation.

Although I’ve been told that my reaction was warranted, understandable, and perfectly fine … I still struggle with it today.  I am bothered by the lack of control I had at one point.   I did not curse or say anything mean or hateful to the teens or their parental figure.   Yet I allowed this situation, this moment in time to gain control as I lost my power, peace, and joy!

My fear took over … my thoughts spun like crazy in a whirlwind of what could have happened and thanking God that it didn’t happen … but I fell short last night when all of this was going on.

I thank God that He protected the teens. They have apologized, and in all honesty, these teenagers are good people! So are the parents! We have spoken to the parents, and they have stressed several points to the teenagers.

As a mother, this was a horrifying experience.  As a daughter witnessing her parents on stretchers side by side last Friday, there are no words to express how it impacted me a week later when it could have been my daughter! I’m sure it was scary for the parents of the teens also when we shared with them what took place.

Today, as I think back over the situation, I am still having difficulty releasing the grip that it has on me. Writing is my release.  It helps me tremendously by letting the words flow and allowing the feelings, thoughts, and emotions to freely flow with them out of my mind, body, soul, and spirit to the very tips of my fingers as I type it all out for you here.   This is my therapy.

And now I pray to be able to handle future situations of any kind in a better fashion.  I can see that God has worked on me in that area as in years past I would not have handled things as graciously as I did Friday night … it would have been much worse.   I thank God for the work He has done in my life, yet I know that there is much work still to be done.

I turn it all over to God … I ask for forgiveness from Him … and I strive to do better in the future.  He’s still working on me!

I fell short yesterday, but my God still loves me, forgives me, and has wrapped His loving arms securely around me and has provided much needed peace for my soul.

Thank You, Lord … thank you.