Yesterday I ran into someone from my past.  It should have been a wonderful reunion, and yet, it was awkward.  It saddened me greatly to think of what could have been, what should have been, and yet what currently … is.

What hurts is that this person has been kept from us the majority of her life.  The individual that I speak of is my sister’s daughter.  My niece.  If you’ve visited with us before, you know that we lost my sister 13 years ago to suicide.  She took her own life two weeks after having her daughter.  We were devastated by my sister’s passing.  Then we were further devastated when her only child was taken from us.  We were not allowed access to her because my sister’s husband decided that his parents should be the caregivers of their daughter.  We were only allowed a few short weekends with her, and she was taken from us again.  This broke our hearts completely.  Then after several more years passed, they wanted to allow us into this little girl’s life once more.  We did everything we could to be there for this little girl, and yet again, she was taken from us.  I don’t know if they felt threatened or what exactly went through their minds at that point for them to take her away from us again.  That is exactly what they did, though.  This time, however, I did not react the same way that I had in years past.  I did not chase after them, nor did I beg for them to allow us to see my sister’s daughter.  I prayed, I cried, I fell on my face before Jesus, and yet it still did not change the situation we were all in.  I had to deal with not only losing my sister but her daughter as well.  That is the sad reality of the situation.  Although my niece is still here on this earth, we are not allowed access to her … so we have lost her, too.

A year or so ago, my daughter found my niece on Facebook.  We all sent a friend request, and much to our surprise, it was accepted.  However, if I would send her a message or write on her wall, it would be ignored so I finally stopped trying.  She would only respond to my oldest daughter, then she stopped with that as well.

Yesterday we were in the store when she came over to my daughter and slapped her on her arm.  My daughter turned around and was excited to see her … yet there was this awkwardness that lingered.  My daughter quickly came down the aisle saying, “Look who I found …” and upon seeing her, my eyes lit up and a smile spread wide across my lips as I said, “Hey there, darling … ” only to be greeted with steel cold eyes and not a single expression on this little girl’s face.  None.  I stood cemented in my place as the reality slammed into me.  I … don’t … know … her … anymore.  We’re strangers.

My daughter tried to say a few words, and I tried once more asking if she was there alone or with someone.  Her response was still cold as ice as she said, “I’m here with the old man.”  She meant the grandfather that had instigated her isolation from our family.  I just stood there again, only this time, feeling my heart almost leaving my chest the same as it did on occasions in the past when she was slipping from me.  The reality is, she’s already gone.  She is a stranger to me now … and although I have tried to be involved in her life all of those years – 13 years of trying – the harsh reality is that I’m NOT a part of her life … and probably never will be.

It’s sad thinking of how it COULD be … how it SHOULD be … how it WOULD be if only my sister had reached out to someone, anyone that hot July day and let us help her through what she was feeling.  I imagine that our lives would be so much different … if only …

It breaks my heart … and yet all I can do is turn to God once more for comfort and for Him to restore peace.

And … He will.