A Heart of Worship
If you know me, you know I love to sing. I’ve written previously about how my chorus teacher in middle school believed in me and gave a quiet, reserved girl a solo part during a televised event at my school. Although he has now passed away, the care he took with his students lives on in me and many others who were blessed having him as our teacher all those years ago.
Since that time, I have sung in church choirs and in several start-up bands. I’ve also shared my love of music by singing hymns with residents at nursing homes through the years. One impromptu song was even sang at the bedside of a young, troubled, rebellious teenager who was in a serious car accident. She was having a manic episode at the time of the car accident, and she was very lucky and blessed to still be alive after her car flipped on the interstate into oncoming traffic. When I received the phone call, I went to the hospital to be with the family. I was told she was asking for me, and I was allowed to go see her in the emergency room. When I walked up to her bedside, she looked over at me and asked me to sing for her. I was in tears and thanking God for sparing her life, and she was requesting that I sing for her. We sang together at a Valentine’s Day Banquet at our church once, and it was truly beautiful. What an honor it was right there in that hospital room to sing for her! That is a day I’ll never forget.
There was an older lady that always encouraged my singing as well. She invited me to her house on numerous occasions for me to sing for her. A few times I shared some interpretative movement we were teaching at our church for her to enjoy. Ten years ago, my friend and I went to her house to sing for her, and she was so happy to open her home to us both. She loved to play the piano or keyboard, and on occasions, she would play while we sang. Other times, I had a performance track CD with the music that I sang to while she recorded me on her camera. She was an elderly lady well into her 70s, but she was computer savvy and would upload the videos to her computer to enjoy later. She was a believer in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and she always encouraged me to use my God-given talents for the Lord. Sadly, she passed away the very next Spring. I’ll always look back at those times we shared together with great fondness. Oh, what wonderful memories with this sweet lady!
I went on to attend a new church this past year, and in doing so, they had an assessment for us to take so we would know our spiritual gifts. It’s no surprise that mine was music. They quickly had me audition and added me to the worship team shortly thereafter. I was thrilled to share my voice to usher our congregation into the presence of God at the beginning of our services. Things took a turn not long after I began singing with the team, though. Although I had a true heart of worship, humbling myself before God as I sang, we were encouraged to “smile” and be sure not to close our eyes for too long as we would lose our audience. We were told that it wasn’t about our worship at that point but about setting the atmosphere for others. It felt a little odd to me doing that because in churches I have been in before, you feel the Holy Spirit moving as you worship. Others around you begin to worship as they feel the Holy Spirit as well. So, closing my eyes in the moment I’m worshipping God seems natural to me. Although I know it’s not just me and God at that moment I’m on the platform as there were others beside me and in the congregation singing along, it just felt strange to “put on a show” so to speak. Where is the true heart of worship when you’re up there performing instead of ministering? I found out soon enough that I just did not fit in. Others in the back sound booth were watching my body language on the platform, and they would comment when they felt I looked more comfortable. Little did they know that five minutes before stepping on the platform, I had been criticized in some fashion while still expecting me to put on a smiling face. One time, I was told I was singing the wrong part five minutes before I was to go out for the second service. Now, the first service I did just fine and was singing the soprano part, and I am a natural Soprano. However, right before the second service when I was leading a song, I was told I should have been singing Alto. I was confused at first, but I’m happy this took place in front of another on the team. We both said that I was singing the right part of the soprano, to which they said, “Oh, my bad.” But it was little things like that right before I was to go out there that chipped away at my self confidence and self esteem. Other times, fellow worship team members were making it about themselves, even stepping in front of me on several occasions when they were leading a song, blocking me completely from being seen. Then there were the times I was “called down” by other team members regarding how I was singing when the worship manager did not have a problem with my singing at all. Since he was over the whole team, he would have corrected me if he felt I was singing out of tune or singing the wrong notes. However, he did not. It seemed like there were “too many chiefs and not enough Indians,” meaning people that weren’t in charge and had no right telling people what to do were doing it. They would take it upon themselves to change different things when it was not their place. While it should have been about God, I kept feeling like they were more concerned with “self.” I knew I did not want to be involved in that. It’s almost like when you think you want something so bad, but then you get to do it and find it isn’t at all what you thought it would be. It was exactly like that. I thought I wanted to be on their worship team so badly. Yet once I was and saw how things operated behind the scenes and on the platform, it was completely different than I thought it would be. It did not feel too good. There were so many occasions I left the Wednesday night practice or Sunday morning service feeling down instead of uplifted. Other times I felt ridiculed instead of appreciated for the talent I brought to the team. At one point, it was mentioned by another in the congregation that my daughter should join the worship team, as they found out she sang also. However, I knew that was not a good idea. I did not like how they were treating me, so I definitely would not put her in a position to be torn apart in different ways by this “team.” It soon became obvious that trust was lacking by how they were handling me, and I knew without a doubt I could not set her up to be on the receiving end of this ill treatment. I did not want any of them to be the reason she stopped pursuing her passion or using her angelic voice.
After stepping away from this church and worship team, I still had the desire to use my voice for praising and worshipping God. I saw an advertisement for an interest party for a new church that was being planted in a neighboring town. I mentioned it to my husband, and he was on board. We attended the interest party that weekend and learned more about the new church, and we became excited to be a part of it. We had only ever gone to churches that were already established. This would be our first involvement with a church plant. We would get to see firsthand how all of the pieces fit together, and we would be an active part of it all working for the Lord to reach others in the community. One thing struck me immediately when I walked into that interest party. Everyone was so warm and welcoming, genuinely happy that we were there. It didn’t feel like the fake greetings at some churches. There was one lady that greeted us at the door that I would later learn was the worship leader! She smiled and ushered us in, and I will never forget how she made me feel like a part of it all from the very start. After the pastor spoke, he had connection cards for us to complete if we wanted to know more about the church or be involved. I completed my card and, of course, wrote that I would like to be involved on the worship team. Shortly thereafter, the lady with the beautiful smile came over again and introduced me to the pastor and his wife. They all seemed sincerely happy that we were there and eager to serve.
Fast forward two months, and we have felt more at home and a part of this church than we ever did the seven months we were involved with the previous church mentioned. The families involved in this church plant are true, faithful, committed servants of the Lord seeking to reach the lost 48% in the community that are unchurched or de-churched. We are proud to stand alongside our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ on their mission for this church.
Honestly, I was a bit nervous at the very first practice I had with this new worship team due to what happened with the last team I was involved with. However, all of that faded away as I began to sing with them. Our voices blended together so well, and we complemented each other’s voices nicely. It was like we had been singing together for years and years, when this was only our first time together. That was definitely God! I left the practice feeling incredible! It was like I was finally “home” with these beautiful people. On the ride home as my husband and I were talking, I received a text message from the pastor’s wife. As I began to read her message, tears filled my eyes and spilled out onto my cheeks. She touched my heart completely, as she said I was an answer to their prayers. She said she had been praying, and she knew God answered her prayers by sending me to them the moment she heard me sing the first note. Little did she know, they were an answer to MY prayers as well. God knew all along, on both sides, and orchestrated this as part of His plan. Thank you, God!
Last Thursday, I participated in my very first worship night with my new church family. I opened the worship with a simple song made popular by Chris Tomlin entitled We Fall Down. It’s a sweet song saying how we fall down and lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus, as we cry Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lamb! Others on the worship team joined in on the second time singing this, and it was so beautifully touching. I got chills as Holy Spirit moved in that room. We all, at some point or another, closed our eyes and worshipped the Lord while we sang. I can honestly say every single one on our worship team has a heart of worship. It’s not about them. No one is wrapped up in “self.” It is all for the glory and honor of our Lord, Jesus Christ. As it should be! He deserves ALL of our praises.
Thank you, God, for my new church family. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this new church plant as we lock arms with fellow believers to reach lost souls and bring them to You. Thank you that they see me for who I truly am, for them inviting me in, and loving on me right from the very start. Thank you for them accepting me and allowing me to worship You humbly and with all of my heart.
Create Awareness & Make People Feel Seen
In my effort to heal the pain inflicted on my heart by the toxic pastor and others in his church that I wrote about previously, I attended a women’s conference this past weekend at another church. It’s known that our phones “listen” to us, as we find topics we discuss with our friends or family now popping up on ads when you scroll Facebook. That was most definitely the case here, as the ad for the women’s conference popped up back in June after talking about church hurt. I knew the conference was a few months away, but at the time, I wanted to learn more about what this Christian author had to say on the subject.
Even though some time had passed and I moved on to surround myself with true Godly people, I had already signed up to attend the conference. So, this past Saturday, I drove 45 minutes to a nearby town alone to a church I had never been to before. I arrived a few minutes early and saw a few ladies walking into the church together. As I walked toward the door, I noticed a long table set up with workbooks for the conference. No one was “manning” the table, so I just assumed I was to pick up one of the workbooks and go inside to take my seat. No one greeted me. There was not anyone at the door when I walked inside. I found this rather odd, but honestly, nothing surprises me these days. Within a few minutes, a lady appeared saying she was coming, then nervously laughed as she said it was so hot outside she stepped in to cool off. I introduced myself, smiled, said thank you for her coming over, and walked down front to take a seat. There were ladies seated together in pairs or more talking amongst themselves. I slipped into the third row and sat alone. The church offered breakfast, so everyone was filing in from the fellowship hall when I noticed a familiar face. She was so pleasant as she came over to speak to me briefly and offered a hug before finding her friend and taking a seat beside her. Another lady I used to work with came by shortly thereafter, said “Hey,” and then quickly went to the back to take a seat. That was it. They were the only three people to speak to me that morning.
I was a new person at their church. No one greeted me initially. The sanctuary was filling up, and although three finally exchanged pleasantries, others did not welcome me at their church. It was almost as if I was invisible.
The conference started, the speaker began to pray, and I felt like someone was standing near me. I opened my eyes to find two ladies standing there who looked a little annoyed that I had my head bowed in prayer instead of acknowledging them. When I realized they were there, one asked with a tone, “Can we sit down?” I responded, “Oh, of course,” as I moved my legs to allow them to enter the row I was sitting on alone.
That was it. No one else spoke to me.
I wasn’t there for extended conversations. That wasn’t the point. I was there for the conference. However, it would have been nice for others at the church to acknowledge me, have awareness that I was there, and make me feel seen. Being welcomed and included might have been a stretch, as people don’t like to include “strangers.” So I wasn’t expecting too much that day.
After one session, the speaker told us to break for lunch that had been prepared for us. Everyone was to make their way to the fellowship hall. That was a nice touch. So, as we ended the session, everyone scattered to the available bathrooms and then on to the fellowship hall. I was a little later joining the rest of the ladies in the fellowship hall, so I was at the back of the line when it came to fixing my plate. That didn’t bother me. No one said anything despite me trying to smile and add to the joyful conversation. After I fixed my plate, I had to choose a table to sit at. I looked around at all of the ladies talking amongst themselves, then chose a nearby table. I approached and asked if they would mind if I sat with them (feeling like I was back in high school just wanting to be accepted and have someone to eat lunch with). The two ladies motioned like it was okay, so I took a seat at “their” table. I introduced myself, and they asked if I was with someone else. They looked at me like I had five heads when I told them I came alone. Then they asked how I heard about the conference. I explained the ad popped up on Facebook for the event that was open to the public, and I thanked them for holding such a conference for not just those in their church. I wanted to make sure I didn’t crash their party so to speak. Then they acknowledged that it was, indeed, open to the public. They asked a few more questions, but that was it. I tried to hold a conversation, but it just did not feel like a welcoming environment. We were only given 25 minutes for lunch, which also included the wait time for lines in the bathrooms, but I was pretty relieved when those minutes went by quickly as I sat at a table feeling like an intruder.
We made our way back to the sanctuary for the remainder of the conference. After the final session ended, no one said a word to me. I gathered my belongings and was almost out of the door completely when one of the ladies I sat with at lunch (the pastor’s wife) rushed to my side and thanked me for coming to their conference. I thanked her, too, for her hospitality (although there was a shortage that day at that church).
I wrote all of this to say …
Please don’t be like people in that church. Don’t be like this especially at a church!
Create awareness and make people feel seen! It will leave a lasting impression on them. What’s interesting is that just Sunday I was in a cultural training that asked, “What would you do if you entered a church where no one welcomed you, no one acknowledged you?” One of the people in attendance to my right answered by saying, “I would go home!” Others joined in and said, “Yes, I believe I would have to get up and go right back to my house.” Well, I didn’t do that the day of the conference, as I wanted to hear what the author had to say on the subject of healing from trauma (whether it is classified as a Big T or a Little T, it’s still recovering from hurt).
Is it uncomfortable going places by yourself? You bet it is. It takes a LOT to walk into a room full of people when it’s just you with the Lord by your side.
Make a point to speak to people. Even if they don’t go to your church. That’s all the more reason to welcome someone in. Make them feel welcome, wanted, seen, and valued.
God Did Not Hurt Us
On the heels of what occurred at the toxic church I wrote about yesterday, I was determined not to let evil win. Even though my husband was ready to throw in the towel and quit church altogether, I was not going to allow that to happen. He wanted to turn away from God until I pointed out to him that GOD did NOT hurt us. The toxic pastor and people of the previous church hurt us. We needed to separate that entirely from God, as that church did not display the characteristics of Christ. You can post the nine fruits of the spirit on every window in the sanctuary, but the behavior of the pastor behind closed doors did not line up with said fruits. We saw a completely different version than the pastor that stood at the door shaking hands on Sunday morning and speaking so eloquently from the platform. He was deceitful from the phone call he placed to my husband saying he wanted us to come in to talk as he didn’t want us in pain. He lead us to believe he cared about us, but when we arrived, we saw a red-faced demon with bulging eyes assaulting with accusations but not backing up anything with facts or proof. We did not see a pastor displaying self-control. He did not offer or display love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, nor faithfulness. He did not exhibit traits of kindness nor gentleness either. My mouth almost dropped open with the way he was behaving “in the house of the Lord” in his office behind closed doors with his select few alongside him. One of the “leaders” had spoken to me a few days prior and was one way with me alone and a completely different way in the presence of the pastor. She turned from a person “speaking in tongues” in church, showing off on stage, to looking down her nose at me, then she outright lied about something she said days before. I guess sitting right there beside the pastor changed things. The other “leader” in the room also turned against us, but that did not surprise me either. Page 115 of Atomic Habits actually begins to discuss how people will side with others, even when they are wrong, as they do not want to be excluded from the group. That happened right in front of our eyes. While we were greatly disappointed, it did not surprise us in the least.
I’m thankful for God’s protection that day not allowing the pastor’s hatefulness to penetrate my soul. I walked out of that church with my head held high knowing who I was and more importantly, WHOSE I was! Despite what was said and despite the awful treatment I received from the pastor and leadership, God sent His Son to die on the cross for me, too, because He thought I was worth it. He proved it, and I AM a Child of the Most High God. The ill-treatment did not change who I am nor WHOSE I am. It yanked the blinders off so fast and revealed the true character of the toxic pastor and leadership. It made us realize we wanted no part of it. We did not even want the shirts they gave “first time visitors” which displayed the name of the church boldly across the front of it. In fact, my husband went to the car right before we drove off that night, took all of the shirts in our possession with the church name on it, and tossed them on the ground at the door of the church. When I once proudly wore the shirt on the platform with my worship teammates, it was now tarnished and tainted. We wanted no part of it.
Church hurt is talked about online on so many different platforms. There are Facebook pages dedicated to this topic and even Facebook groups full of people with story after story of how they were abused by someone with spiritual authority at the church. Whether it was the pastor or people serving in leadership roles, they inflicted emotional, relational, or spiritual pain upon so many in different churches. It seems to hurt worse when it’s from “people of God;” the very ones you never expected to turn on you or hurt you. The ones that are supposed to be like Christ, who end up being further from who Christ is and what Christ represents. Whether the hurt came from personality conflicts which lead to gossip with others turning against them, or whether they were manipulated, excluded or ostracized, or were physically or sexually assaulted even. Church hurt is real, and it is devastating when the very people we thought were “of God” did not display the love of Christ.
God did not do this.
It is important to separate what “they” did from God and Jesus.
Please don’t let “people of the church” that hurt you cause you to turn away from God. Even if you don’t want to step foot in another church right now, that is okay! Please do not feel shameful or guilty if that’s where you are right now. You can STILL worship God right there in your home. You can still read your Bible. If that’s too painful, cry out to God and let Him meet you there. He knows what has happened to you, but some times we need to be vulnerable and say to Him, “This hurts, God! The deceit, betrayal, lies, false narratives, accusations, the way the pastor spoke to me and the way the leaders sided with him and no one stood up for me HURT deeply.” Let it all out. God can handle it. Even if you’re angry and want to lash out asking God, “WHY didn’t you stop this? Why did people that were supposed to be representing you do something like this? Why did you allow it?” He can handle all of it. Please take all of it to Him in prayer. Let God know your heart, and then let God wrap you in His love! Let him be near to you in your brokenness. Let him bind up the wounds the pastor, leaders, or church people inflicted upon you. Let God love on you the way others should have but failed to do. YOU belong to Him, even if you no longer belong to the church that hurt you.
Please separate who hurt you and let God heal your heart.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18)
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4)
