Light, Love, Hope

I believe we all try to be good people.  We extend kindness and grace to others freely.  We try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  Some times, though, when there seems to be distance and silence in return, we are left to our own devices.  With this, we don’t know what’s “really” going on.  We are just left with our thoughts to piece it all together in our minds.   What happens when we thought we knew something about a situation or a person, and later it is revealed that we got it all wrong?

If this has ever happened to you, I’m sure tears welled up inside of you and your throat tightened as the dam burst giving way to the floodwaters.  We grasp at making sense of the incomprehensible.  Why didn’t they talk to me?  Why wasn’t I viewed as a safe person for them to come to in their time of need?  Why did they put distance and let silence speak louder than any words at that point?

Pride?

Embarrassment?

I’m not quite sure, but it hurts when it is revealed that you were not the safe place to land for this individual.  It floors you when the truth is revealed, and you question why you didn’t see it before.  Because they kept it hidden and didn’t want it revealed at that time to you.

It’s like an onion.  When you start peeling back the layers, there’s more tears as you discover more that was once hidden.

The harsh truth is you missed the mark.  You were so wrong.  In your mind, you thought you “knew.”  Then you are devastated to learn the truth behind the distance.  You realize they smiled through the pain they were experiencing when life took a turn they didn’t expect.

Everyone wants to succeed in life, and we don’t like when anything threatens our success.  Whether it’s unexpected expenses that drain your bank account or realizing your paycheck doesn’t stretch quite as far as you once thought.  You end up living paycheck to paycheck only to realize you run out of money before you run out of month.

It’s hard struggling like this.  Once upon a time, I was a single mother in this situation.  I was determined to make it, and I knew with God by my side, I WOULD.  Fast forward a few years, and here I am.  I made it!  What the enemy tried to steal from me, God gave me back MORE, just as His word says He would.  He did, indeed.

If we put our trust in Him, He will NOT leave you nor forsake you.  Even when we get it all wrong.  Even when we didn’t mean to, but we caused more harm with our “false narratives” we were left to interpret the situation with when there was no conversation.  Silence does a number on you when you’re left inside of your own thoughts and mind.  Often times in situations like this, our thoughts turn dark and negative.  We can’t understand what’s happening, and in our mind, we end up thinking the worst.  When you look in the mirror and take a good long look only to reveal the person in the mirror looking back at you may have been the problem.  Ouch!  That’s a tough one.

No one is obligated to reveal what they are going through in life.  Some people, like myself, have learned to be careful who you vent to because some people love to see you miserable.  They will take your heart to heart talk and run away to tell the first available listening ear all of your business.  You guard your heart and tongue.  You won’t let anyone in, and you build a wall ensuring you keep others out.  Sometimes, though, you NEED to let people know what’s going on so they can help you.  This is hard for us all.  When you’re sitting in your dining room writing out your income and your bills realizing you will be eating grits for the next two weeks, you don’t want to speak those words to anyone.  Yet, if people had known, they would have stepped up to ensure you had more to nourish your body to keep working for your little family.  When you don’t let people know there’s a need – due to pride or embarrassment or just determination that “this is my little family and I’m responsible for making it work” – there’s no way to have that need met!

Deep breath.

Forgive yourself.  You did NOT know.   Had you known, you wouldn’t have thought those negative thoughts nor said the things you did.

What you can do now is extend grace to the person looking back at you in the mirror.  The one that cries in the shower due to the struggles that went on that you are just learning about.

Go easy on yourself.  Pray for God to meet the other needs that are unspoken that you know nothing about.  Because if this was hidden, you know there’s more to the layer of onion that just hasn’t been peeled back yet.

And you extend LOVE and KINDNESS to yourself for you did not know.

Now dry your eyes, turn it – and them – over to God.  He can do what YOU cannot.

Trust in Him to meet every need in His time.

I’m living proof – He will give you back more than the enemy tried to steal from you.  In His Time.

In the season you’re in, not just with the hustle and bustle of the holidays but with hard decisions being made, it can sometimes seem impossible to find that inner peace & calm.  You have to be intentional in order to find this.  Settle in with a nice warm cup of orange jasmine green tea, with a touch of honey to sweeten it to your liking, and let’s begin.

Dear Ones:

There’s so many changes that have occurred within the past 15 months, with many more changes on the horizon.  You’ve grown through the obstacles you’ve faced.  At one point, it seemed that “danger” lurked around every corner as you embarked on the journey of motherhood.  Everyone seemed to pull at you, trying to push their will upon you with their expectations when this was supposed to be one of the most beautiful times in your life.  Despite their attempts, it still is because you took bricks they threw at you and built a wall around your little family.  Seeking the most protection possible for your little one, vowing to never let anyone harm your family, you took a much needed step back.  There was no manual instructing you on how to handle those trying days, but you did the best you could.  I have always been in your corner rooting for you, and I am incredibly proud of you.  It has been a privilege and honor to watch my oldest child become one heck of a mother doing all the best things possible for her little one.

Ah, my littlest baby is all grown now, too, and you embarked on your journey of independence within the past six months,  You have proven you can do this all on your own.  You are self sufficient.  You remind me a lot of myself in my 20s, striving to do it alone.  There’s one difference; you chose this path while I was thrust into it with a one year old after my separate and divorce.  Scared, with trembling hands, God reached down, calmed the storm within me and equipped me to be the best single mother I possibly could be at the time.  While it’s just you and your little puppy at this time, I see you.  I see the determination in your face.  I see the sparkle in your eye with all the creativity within you as it begins to come alive whether you’re painting the walls of your new home, helping lay the flooring, or rearranging your furniture “just right.”  None of it goes unnoticed.   Although you’re grown and on your own, I still worry about you – and your sister, too.  I’m so proud of the woman you are, and I’m always on your side.    My heart beams with pride.

For me, I have watched on the sidelines, joining in when asked to take part in both of your new lives.  Not wishing to be overbearing or pushy, I sit and wait for an invitation into your worlds – the worlds that turn without me in it more often than not.  This was extremely hard at first.  When you built your life around your children, what are you supposed to do with yourself when they are all grown?  No one prepares you for the empty nest.  Even still, I smile and pray for God’s protection over both of your lives, decisions, and where your paths will take you in life.  That’s my job, you know, just as raising you up to be the independent women that you are right now was at one point.  Because you both are successful in your roles, I can say God equipped me when raising you both.  Your success echos my success as well.  I taught you how to be independent, and I’m so proud yet didn’t know it would feel quite this lonely when I accomplished this hard part of parenting.  I’ll never tell you the tears that roll down my cheeks or the overwhelming ache in my heart as I miss you both.  When there was once loud madness and chaos, the silence in this big house is almost deafening now.  Even still, I’ll only smile at your achievements and clap the loudest for you, as I always have.

In the coming months, there will be more changes for us all.  It’s important now, more than ever, that we remember:  the great thing to hold on to in life is each other.

No matter where life takes you – even to Antarctica – we are rooted as one.  Like branches growing in different directions on a tree, we are still rooted together and remain as one.

Remember that when life gets hectic.

When you question if you made the right decision, did you make the right move, is this where you’re supposed to be in life …

Inhale … hold it … then exhale slowly.

As long as you put God first in this decision, prayed about it, and feel Him leading you; you will never go wrong with Him by your side every step of the way.

Just as God held me and guided me all those years ago, He is right there willing to do the same for you both.  Turn to Him.  Trust Him and His plan for your lives.

I love you – always & forever.  No amount of distance – whether in miles or in moments when we may not see eye to eye –  will ever change my love for either of you.  Rest in the assurance that my love is always there for you both, unconditional and unchanging.