Hidden
When I logged into Facebook last Thursday, “trending” stories were popping up about the Osborne family. Apparently, Ozzy Osborne has been having an affair, and his wife, Sharon, has spoken out on her talk show about his sex addiction.
As I was reading through things people posted regarding this story, a young lady asked a few questions about sex addiction.
Is it real?
What happens when someone goes for sex addiction counseling?
Is there hope?
How is the family affected?
Can they make it through this ordeal without divorcing?
As I have a family member that has gone through this, I’d like to answer some of those questions that are swirling around in a lot of people’s minds right now.
While there is so much hurt and betrayal that goes along with a sexual addiction, it is possible for the family to stand behind the person going through it that is seeking help. It is a long process to finally seeing the light at the end of the dark and dreary tunnel, though. The hurt will never truly “go away” as some people would like for it to. Instead, it remains. There are questions as to what other lies there are out there that this person hasn’t owned up to yet or that haven’t yet been uncovered.
Trust is definitely a factor here. After someone lies, deceives, and betrays you, there is a LOT of work that person has to do in order to have trust restored in your marriage or relationship.
In the case with my family, we were told that the sexual addiction was in the form of pornography. Videos, pictures, magazines, etc. all played a part in this addiction, yet they claim it did not go any further. They claim they did not have any affairs, nor did they seek out prostitutes, etc. as a lot of wives and girlfriends fear when the addiction comes to light. I pray this is true that their sexual addiction did not go that far before they sought help.
Here is a very important point I’d like to make. The sins that you think you can keep hidden will not remain a secret. EVERYTHING you do in darkness will eventually come out in the light. At some point or another, your dirty little secret will be revealed, whether you like it or not.
Another thing I’d like to point out is that the person doing this is completely selfish and self absorbed. They think only of their sexual gratification and not of their spouse at all. If the roles were reversed, though, they would not tolerate nor accept your betrayal of them, yet they want you to accept and come to terms with what they’ve done to you.
Boy, is that not a hard pill to swallow?
Yes, it is!
You’re expected to forgive and try to patch things up in the marriage when you were faithful and true, yet they were not.
For me, pornography is different than having an actual affair with a person or multiple people. While I could try to recover from a pornography addiction, I am not so sure I could recover from an actual physical affair. The thought would always be in the back of my mind that if they did it once (or ten times) previously, they could “relapse” and do it all over again. So no matter where you are in your recovery after the damage that has been done to your relationship, it would magnify the hurt a million times over!
Don’t get me wrong, I would not like my husband “getting off” to pornographic images when he should be interested in ONLY me. But, if I had to choose which I’d “rather” have him do, that would be the one; certainly not having an affair or multiple affairs. They both hurt, though, and erode the self esteem, self worth, and self confidence of the spouse. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that someone else was the object of his sexual thoughts and brought him pleasure.
The important thing here, too, is honesty. Don’t start to “come clean” with your spouse only to leave details out that you reveal later. It will only prolong the agony and the recovery process, throwing your spouse back into the initial phase of shock, disbelief, anger, and extreme heartache all over again.
Is it worth it? A few minutes of self pleasure? When in those few minutes, you’re crushing the life out of the one you claim to love!
Can you recover from this? Yes, but it does not happen over night for either of you. Also, you cannot just focus on yourself, as you did before. You have to consider your spouse who you hurt DEEPLY! You cannot skip merrily on your way now that your “secret” is out and you no longer have to try to cover your tracks. That may seem like a relief to you, but now the entire weight of the world has come crashing down on your spouse. You BOTH need to recover. It can’t just be about YOU! She is hurting far more than you will ever know or be able to fully grasp! And it’s all because of your sexual addiction.
Although the hurt is great after discovering the pornography addiction, it would be far worse to discover an affair. There are couples that weigh the options and realize even after an affair that they need to stay together and try to make it work. Whether they do it for the kids, for financial reasons, or because they truly do love each other despite the straying spouse, it is a long process to recovery.
When one goes for sexual addiction counseling, they go for individual sessions with a counselor as they try to uncover what lead to the sexual addiction in the first place. Maybe they had a troubled childhood, the parents weren’t there a good bit of the time for support, or the child felt neglected so they turned to pornography or self pleasure as a way to cope. There could have even been trauma in the person’s life that lead to this lifestyle. It is the counselor’s job to uncover the true reasons that lead to the addiction in the first place.
After the counselor feels your spouse has been making progress in individual sessions, they move on to group sessions. The only thing that concerns me here is that others in the group that are worse off than your spouse may give them ideas on things they haven’t thought of or haven’t tried yet. This is extremely dangerous and only hinders the progress made previously.
Honestly, I think the only true way to recover from this or any addiction is to turn to God. Confess your hidden sins, and TURN from them! All of them. You can’t give up a few things and hold on to other sins that contributed or went hand in hand with your addiction. Put your trust in God to see you through this. Marriage can be a beautiful thing once all things hidden have been revealed and healed by God above. It takes time. But, you can save your marriage with God’s help.
One thing that a sexual addiction does is take away that which the person truly wants most; closeness with their spouse. It erodes the relationship and puts a huge wedge between you and your spouse. Yet, with the sexual addiction out in the open and your spouse in recovery, you two can reconnect eventually and have a deeper bond than you ever thought possible before. Once that barrier is gone and the walls of division have been brought down, you and your spouse can begin rebuilding a love together where you two come to each other to have all of your needs met. God intended for marriage and sex within the marriage relationship to be a beautiful union of two souls. Two becoming one! Don’t taint it or tarnish it. Keep the marriage bed sacred. Your desires should only be met and fulfilled by your spouse. Don’t go outside of your marriage and break your vows by lusting after others whether it’s with pictures, videos, a strip club, a person walking down the street, someone at your job, an online dating site, etc. It is so much easier to be true and faithful to your spouse than it is to tear down your marriage and your spouse with your bare hands with betrayal such as this.
Can you recover – YES! Can you rebuilt trust in your marriage – YES! Can you and your spouse have a close bond like never before – YES! Can you go to only your spouse for all of your needs, especially sexual – YES!!!
It is possible to recover and rebuild trust. It is possible to be faithful and true with only eyes for your spouse! It is possible to have a love and closeness better than you ever imagined in this life.
No more secrets.
No more lies.
No more betrayal.
Just you and your spouse as God intended.
I encourage you to seek help if you or your loved ones are entangled in a web of lies, deceit, and betrayal. Get to the bottom of why so God can heal you and your marriage.
Your Perfect Day
How would you describe your perfect day?
For me, any time spent with my family is perfect in my eyes. Whether we’re going on an adventure in the RV, or lounging around the house watching movies … if I’m with my family, I’m extremely happy and content!
This weekend has been perfect in my eyes.
I love exploring places we’ve never been before. Restaurants are no different. While we have our “favorites,” it is nice to try new places. Friday after work, I was mindlessly scrolling through Facebook when an article caught my eye. It was about the oldest restaurant in Columbia. Three generations have owned and operated it, with the current ones being the great grandchildren. It was impressive enough for me to gather my family in the car and head that direction for a nice meal. And, it did NOT disappoint either! Villa Tronco was a quaint little restaurant in downtown Columbia that I’d never heard of before reading the article. I can assure you that after Friday’s Italian meal, we will definitely be going back. We also recommend this place to any one visiting in our area. The food was so good that my youngest daughter actually wanted to lick the plate clean! I didn’t let her, mind you, because we do have manners. HA!
It’s been so hot here in the South where it is torture to ride with the top down in the convertible unless it’s later in the evening. As we left the restaurant, I put the top down on my Volvo and enjoyed the ride back home with the music turned up and the wind blowing through my hair.
Saturday, we spent a great deal of time at home with my husband tending to the lawn while our horses grazed freely in our yard. Then, as the day turned into evening, we took our horses for a sunset ride. Although it threatened thunder off in the distance, the storm held off for us to ride for a good hour and a half. I did not want to leave, it was that peaceful! There was a refreshing breeze blowing, and it made for a most comfortable trail ride providing a break from the summer heat we felt earlier in the day.
Sunday was spent around the house watching movies, laughing and playing with my children, and loving on our dogs. My husband finished cutting the front of our property, which with six acres is no small task. An evening storm rolled in awakening me from my much appreciated nap I had taken earlier in the day. Another movie, a short swim in the pool for my little one after the threat of the storm subsided, and that wrapped up a perfect weekend for me!
One Day Visit
If I could have a one day visit with my sister, I doubt very seriously if I’d focus on questions regarding events leading to her death. Lord knows, we’ve questioned it enough throughout these past 15 years, and honestly, we still haven’t found the answers. Yet, I wouldn’t want to waste time on things like that when it will not change a single thing. All of the answers in the world would never bring her back to us for good. Although immediately after her death, we searched high and low, seeking people out to question so we could gain any insight into what happened, what caused it, why she felt she had no other options … “Why” seemed to haunt us.
No, this one day would not be an interrogation session. Instead, I would want to soak up every bit of my sister I possibly could filling each moment with memories to last a lifetime.
Growing up and even into our adult years, we just did “life” as people usually do. It never really occurred to us that we needed to be intentional about the time spent with each other. We seemed to take for granted that we’d have another evening meal with our little family all gathered together around the table. There seemed to always be an opportunity to fight over who was to wash dishes afterwards, “I did it yesterday … it’s YOUR turn …” We just got wrapped up in life. The same ole, same ole. Even as adults with our daily lunch hour spent together to break up the work day, we just seemed to take for granted that we would always have the conversation, “Little or big,” when calling the other to discuss what we felt like eating that day – something little, as in a fast food hamburger or sandwich – or something big, as in a nice sit-down meal at a restaurant.
I’d want to take the day and go to the beach with my sister, as one of my fondest memories is when I took her to Folly Beach as a young adult. No matter how much sunscreen she smeared on her fair skin, she always came back looking like a lobster. Even still, that did not stop her from getting in the salt water jumping waves. I will never forget the huge smile that formed across her lips as she all but squealed as the waves crashed against her, nearly knocking her down. I wish I had my camera at that point. Oh, what I wouldn’t give at this point to have one of those pictures of that special day together – but I have to settle for this memory itched across my brain – one I pray will remain forever due to the amount of happiness which was displayed on her face as she beamed brighter than the sun on the sandy shores.
Yes, the beach would be a must on this one day visit.
I wouldn’t want to share her with just anyone, yet I would be excited to let my parents know that a one day visit was possible for them, too! Maybe we’d all share in this reunion – although my dad has only been on a beach once in his life, and I was the one that took him there. Maybe he’d want to join us – jeans, church shoes, dress shirt, and white socks, just as he did when I took him when my daughter was a year old. He’d go just to spend time with my sister, I know he would. My mom would have to sit under an umbrella watching us as she’s not to get too much sun due to the medicine she takes. But, I bet she’d want to be there, too, smiling, looking up from her feet and the sand beneath them, to catch a glimpse of us laughing and playing together.
Pictures would be a must this time for sure. After losing her, I’ve realized the value of pictures and that you can NEVER take “too many” pictures of your family. Now that she’s been gone for 15 years, I realize I should have taken MORE pictures of her. I never considered that my memories and pictures I could hold in my hand would be all I’d have left of her … and yet the reality is a harsh one.
I’d fix her a macaroni and cheese followed by a cheesecake, as she loved them both. Maybe we’d even have a rib eye steak on the grill. I’m sure we wouldn’t spend a whole lot of time on the meal, and the dishes would definitely have to wait. No time would be wasted on those. Not on this special day. Yet, I’d want her to have some of her favorite foods during our time together. Maybe even a “Bahama Mama” or “Purple Jesus.” Yes, this seemingly quiet and shy young lady did enjoy a “cocktail” from time to time, even if she appeared innocent in front of my parents. I knew the truth.
We’d drive around in her black Firebird (before “cocktails” no doubt), as she loved that car! She was so proud and took such great care of it. Maybe we’d let her daughter drive it, as she’s now old enough to go for her learner’s permit and start driving. How cool would it be for her to drive her mother’s car?!
I’m sure she’d want to take time to get to know her 15 year old daughter now, too. Without a doubt, she’s been watching from Heaven as this little tiny baby grew into a challenging teenager. There would be a lot of catching up for them both. I wouldn’t want it to be a sad occasion, though. This one day visit needs to be filled with laughter and love. Lots of love. Because it will have to carry us over long after my sister is summoned back to the spirit world and Heaven.
We’d talk for hours, although she was a quiet soul at times. Being gone 15 years, surely she’d have more to say and want to tell me all about life in Heaven. And I’d soak up every single thing she shared with me, hanging on her every word wanting to hear more!
I’d take so many pictures, she’d have flash burns! And I’d want to record her talking so I could hear her voice as many times as I’d want after she returned to her spirit form. Oh, how I wish I could hear her voice right this minute. So soft, almost a whisper at times, yet sweetly spoken words. I’d give anything to hear her speak after all this time.
After a day visit, I’d not want to give her back or let her go again. It would leave me wishing still for one more day with her … one more laugh, one more hug, one more “I love you …”
If only it was possible to have just one more day with my sister.
