An Almost Silent Night
There she stood, much taller than she was four years ago, with her brownish-auburn hair flowing gracefully over her left shoulder. Smiling nervously, she looked at me through the dark square framed glasses, my now 14 year old niece, Melanie.
Brief awkward hugs were exchanged with her in front of my parents. They have longed to have their second born granddaughter in their lives for all of these 14 years, yet had to settle for occasional visits here and there. Now, though, we were all together sharing in this moment with Melanie.
We made our way at dusk dark through the Christmas decorations that lined the Children’s Christmas Garden. Looking around, we found our place on the cold, hard, steel bleachers that were set up for this occasion; The Angel of Hope Ceremony.
I left my seat for a moment to fetch a long stemmed white carnation. Returning to the front row of the bleachers, I smiled as I offered it to Melanie. I previously explained the ceremony to her and gave her the carnation for her to place on her mother’s plaque at the appropriate time in the ceremony.
As the ceremony began, it was an emotional time for so many that were gathered with us. The purpose for the Angel of Hope Ceremony is to recognize our loved ones that have gone too soon. While the idea behind it was for parents who have lost their children, I paid for the plaque to be placed for my sister as my parents did not have the funds to do so at the time the statue was erected. It is often hard for me to visit the cemetery as I get too emotional when I go, so the Angel of Hope Garden is a place I can visit to remember my sister and to honor her. It was my hope that others would find comfort there under the Angel as well, and I believe they have.
As the names were called out, pictures were shared on the screen so that everyone in attendance could see the person that we were honoring and remembering. Much to our surprise, they were not all little children at all. The majority were pictures of adults, but honestly, they are someone’s children no matter how old they were when they passed. That is exactly why I had this plaque placed for my sister. Although she passed at the age of 33, she was still – and will always be – my parent’s oldest child.
We paused for a moment when my sister’s name was called, “Pamela H. Smoak.” Finally we rose to our feet, my husband and I, Melanie, my dad and mom, as well as my two beautiful daughters who were sitting on the end. We made our way down the lit path toward the Angel of Hope, and as we reached my sister’s plaque, we paused once more. Melanie placed the white carnation on top of the monument that holds the plaques as I placed my hand on the plaque itself. We stood there on an almost silent night as my dad kissed his hand and placed it on the plaque as he uttered the words, “I love you, baby.” As our group exited the garden, we were all given a candle to light as a song played in remembrance of our loved ones.
This is certainly never anything we look forward to each year as that means a very important part of our hearts is missing. We would much rather have her here with us, but sadly, that just wasn’t part of God’s plan. Instead, we find a stronger meaning in this year’s Angel of Hope Ceremony as Melanie was present to pay tribute to and honor her mother.
My sister’s birthday is December 13th. While we cannot do anything for her here on earth now to “celebrate” with her, we can gather every year – and have for the past seven years – on the first Saturday in December at the Angel of Hope Ceremony to honor her and others gone too soon.
Finding Joy Around The Holidays
Yesterday on Twitter, I was invited to participate in a link up. (Thank you Hope N. Griffin!) I was extremely excited and flattered that I received this personal invitation.
The topic everyone was to write on was how you’re finding joy in every day. She posed a few questions, then reminded us that Advent is about peace and resting in the joy of the Lord.
I took some time to ponder on what she wrote in an effort to get my creative juices flowing. I seem to be lacking in that department these days, and it has dawned on me that it is because I am not feeling peaceful in my soul. I’ve lost my joy in the past few days. If I am completely honest, the troubling blue funk was attempting to take me down this past weekend, immediately after Thanksgiving.
We have so much to be thankful for, as I covered in a post just last week. So why the blue funk?
Everyone is busy with their Christmas shopping now that this special holiday is upon us. But, that isn’t what is troubling me.
You see, my sister’s birthday is December 13th. It should be a time of sweet celebration, yet … this time is filled with sadness as she has been gone 14 years now. And what’s more, just when I think I’ve overcome the struggle to get through the holidays without this bothering me … I realize that it has all but consumed me. I’ve been on edge due to this being in the back of my mind. I’ve been short, snapping at my loved ones, or irritable for no reason, or so I thought. Other times, I’m extremely quiet and withdrawn. Then it hit me today as I was thinking of what Hope asked on her blog.
Every year, on the first Saturday in December, we attend The Angel of Hope Ceremony. Here, gathered with others who have lost loved ones, we honor their memory. We have been doing this for several years now, and this year will be no different. My sister’s plaque is on the wall at The Angel of Hope Monument in our town.
It is hard to visit the cemetery at times, so here, we find some comfort standing beneath the large angel statue in the garden. Even if it is just a piece of stone with my sister’s name itched into it, it is there as a reminder that she lived, loved, and touched a part of our hearts. Her memory will live on forever.
So how will I get my joy back at this time?
The same question can be asked for people every where that are struggling at this time, as I know I am not the only one having trouble during the holiday season. There is a young man, close to our family, that is struggling after losing his granddaddy a few short months ago. His pain is still fresh and new, as I believe this is the first holiday season they have had without this very special member of their family. There are others that have lost valued friends, and they are trying to cope as well. I know another gentleman that lost his mother and sister, so I imagine his pain is great during this holiday season, although he won’t mention it. A lot of people internalize their pain, holding it close to them, while others are afraid to acknowledge it for fear of it hurting more if they do. Others will eventually speak about their loss, but the majority of the time, people will suffer in silence and try to deal with their pain alone.
For me, I am choosing to reflect on the good times and the wonderful memories I have of my sister. To take back my joy and push this blue funk cloud right on out of here, I am choosing to reminisce about the time I took my sister to Folly Beach. She wasn’t one to frequent beaches, as her milky white skin reflected. On the off chance that she would, she returned looking like a lobster. Yet, on this particular day, she wanted to go with me to the beach, and so I took her to one of my favorite beaches of all time. There, I watched my sister smile, deep from her soul, as she jumped the waves that were crashing in. I can still see her standing with her back against the waves, feeling self conscious at first, allowing them to move her slightly forward as she resisted against their strength. Finally, she gave in and allowed the child within to play, jumping each wave as they rushed in.
Now, each time that I’m tempted to focus on her absence, I will, instead, try really hard to focus my attention on fond memories I hold close to my heart of her. I encourage anyone else who is struggling to find joy this holiday season to do the same.
Your loved one would not want you sitting around crying over them. Instead, they would want you out and about enjoying the sights and sounds of the holiday season. So, go. Get out of that chair, leave the gloomy room in your house where you sit and overthink things, analyzing it until you feel worse … and focus on having fun in their honor. Talk to them along the way, or even comment in the presence of others what your loved one would have enjoyed about the activity that you’re sharing with them. Or do something to celebrate their life. Don’t focus on how they died (which is really hard in my case, since my sister committed suicide). Instead, focus on how they LIVED!
To those missing loved ones this holiday season, I’m right there with you. But, we have to turn this sad sack train around and jump on the Polar Express to happier times, even if that is by taking a stroll down memory lane each time our thoughts derail.
Thank you, Hope, for inviting me to join in. While I’m almost certain this isn’t what you had in mind when you invited me, thank you for allowing me to write what has been troubling my heart. Now that I have acknowledged it and shifted my focus, I will pray for God’s peace and joy as we prepare to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ in just a few weeks.
Do You Want To Be FashionABLE?
Around the holiday season, every one wants to look their best. There are Christmas parties with your employer, not to mention getting together with good friends and gathering with families around the holiday. Next up will be New Year’s Eve as you ring in the new year! This is a FUN time of year!
Do you want to be fashionABLE?
No, I didn’t hit the all caps by accident. There is a wonderful reason behind it. You see, recently I was introduced to a company that allows you to customize your jewelry. Whether you would like to do this with a ring or a necklace, they allow you to choose!
But …
That isn’t even the best part yet.
This company believes in empowering women, and they work with women who have overcome great challenges in their lives. Whether they were a slave to drugs, involved in prostitution, or just did not have a lot of opportunities available to them, FashionABLE has come in to give them a purpose and rescue them from the previous challenges allowing them to overcome! When I read that, that was enough to convince me that no matter the price, the jewelry was worth it due to how they are helping women.
Immediately, I went over to their website to check them out, and I put together my order for a rosary necklace. I became a designer at that very moment because I got to choose how I wanted my necklace! I was able to choose the chain (silver vs. gold), the beads (I chose pearl), etc. knowing that this necklace would be handmade to my liking by a woman that was once less fortunate but is now empowered and doing great things in life! Just in that short period of time when I was customizing my order, I smiled inside knowing that I was helping a woman help herself!
When it arrived, I could not get it out of the box fast enough. The sparkling chain and pearls were inviting me to try it on! I purposely had it shipped to my work address as I knew that my coworkers would comment if they liked it. Sure enough, within moments of adjusting the necklace, my coworker came into my office. The first words out of her mouth were, “Wow, that is beautiful! I really like that necklace. Where did you get it?” At that moment, I had the opportunity to share with her exactly what FashionABLE was all about! That felt even better than the compliment itself! Just knowing that I was sharing about this great company and how they are helping women who have overcome! That felt GREAT! In some small way, it made me feel like I was making a difference, too!
A few days after receiving my necklace, I received an email from FashionABLE telling me about one of the women that they helped. As I looked at her picture, tears filled my eyes as I thought of how she struggled yet overcame! My heart swelled with such pride in sharing about this organization!
FashionABLE is offering YOU the opportunity to create your very own piece of jewelry as well! Please enter our giveaway below, and if chosen, you will be allowed to customize a ring or necklace for your very own!
Many thanks to Propeller Consulting, LLC for providing this prize for the giveaway. Choice of winners and opinions are 100% my own and NOT influenced by monetary compensation. I did receive a sample of the product in exchange for this review and post.
Only one entrant per mailing address, per giveaway. If you have won a prize from our sponsor Propeller/FlyBy Productions in the last 30 days, you are not eligible to win. If you have won the same prize on another blog, you are not eligible to win it again. Winner is subject to eligibility verification.
