A Deep Longing
She bundles up in her new black North Face jacket with the fuzzy liner, zips it up, and heads out the door. Walking to the mailbox with great anticipation and a deep longing, she returns with a sad face; empty handed.
Every day I have watched this unfold since Christmas. The article she is looking for is something, anything from her father. The same father that she has not spoken to since May 2015. Although she loves her dad, she cannot continue to put herself out there to be hurt once again. And yet, here we are, and she is still being hurt by him.
At almost 19 years of age, she has realized that although she wants, wishes, and cries daily over what she would like her dad to do, nothing will make him reach out to her in love. All she wants is to be shown that he loves her. A card in the mail would help her to know that he is thinking of her. One simple little card.
Her birthday is Friday, and so she waits, longs, hopes and prays … only to be disappointed with each passing day.
Meanwhile, a misunderstanding has caused great heartache for her in another area of her life. She should be overcome with joy after celebrating a wonderful Christmas and New Years, and yet with her birthday approaching, she finds herself sobbing into her pillow at night. She doesn’t think anyone knows, but I know. I hear what she thinks no one can, and my heart breaks into pieces with each tear that falls from her eyes and rolls down her cheeks.
It is hard for me to sit back and watch all of this unfold knowing that there isn’t a single thing in the world that I can do with a clear conscience to FIX any of it. I cannot change her dad’s heart, just like I cannot change the heart of the other party in the mist of this misunderstanding. I cannot get either party to see that their actions have hurt her tremendously.
What is also extremely hard is that both proclaim to love her, yet their actions – or lack thereof – are hurting her more than they even realize. And … they both blame me; her mother. These individuals are so different, yet so alike in this regard. One will blame me forever, although he cheated and had a baby while we were still married. Yet, in his eyes, I’m wrong. I’m the one that is at fault here. HOW? The other … wants an apology that I cannot give. Why? Because I was disrespected, and they refuse to see it as such or apologize to me. So, in their eyes, and even in my daughter’s eyes now, I’m wrong. I’m the one … it is all MY fault, in their minds anyway. The truth of the matter is that I didn’t cause my ex husband to cheat on me. And furthermore, I did not cause this individual now to disrespect me. These people had CHOICES. And now there are consequences for the choices they made and for their actions. My daughter is stuck in the middle of BOTH right now – and is hurting greatly. She can’t take a breath in that it doesn’t hurt. She resolves into tears within seconds of trying to hold a conversation with her. It is haunting her, and yet now she’s being punished by no contact with either individuals. Her dad will not push his pride aside to make this right so he can reconnect and have a relationship with his daughter. AND neither will this other party!
All I can do is pray that God will sort this out … soon. For my daughter’s sake. For her sanity. She has already fought deep depression and almost crippling anxiety. She has come out a survivor and an inspiration although self harm tried to win … she had the strength of a steel anchor. And as ironic as this is, with the anchor being in the forefront of our minds … she refuses to sink. With her head bobbing and almost going beneath the surface, she struggles with all of her might to hold her head up so that the stress of these situations does not take her under once more.
I’ve prayed. As she’s been balled up in a heap in the fetal position on her bed for days, I have prayed over her, for her, and even for the one that we’re having the misunderstanding with. I’ve prayed for her dad as well. I cannot control this situation or the individuals in the situation. All I can do is pray … and that is my weapon against the enemy right now trying to steal my daughter’s joy … trying to kill her relationships … and trying to destroy her. God is bigger than ALL of this … and so I go to Him in prayer once more.
When Things Don’t Go As Planned
We loaded up the horse trailer and headed out this afternoon for a much anticipated trail ride with old and new friends. As we pulled out of our driveway, we were looking forward to a great day before us.
My 11 year old daughter accompanies us on trail rides the majority of the time. She is usually the only child in the group, but that does not seem to concern her much at all. Occasionally, she has encountered situations where she felt threatened with inconsiderate riders racing past her, but we knew that would not be the case today. The group we were riding with has respect for other riders and would not put someone, especially a child, in harm’s way.
Leaving the paved road and turning onto the dirt road, we looked for landmarks to tell us where to turn to reach our destination. It wasn’t long before we rounded the curve to see multi colored horse trailers on the hill. We smiled knowing that today was going to be a GREAT day!
As soon as I got out of the Suburban, one of my old high school friends came around the back of our horse trailer to give me a hug. We have been trying for a good six months to ride together, and finally, our schedules allowed it! Today was the day!
Shortly thereafter, another lady, that I’ve known for years that is now well into her 70s and still riding, approached us to say hello. She was all smiles, and I wondered if she realized how much of an inspiration she truly is. A breast cancer survivor, she seems to always have a smile on her face and a positive attitude – yes, even when she was going through treatment.
After introductions were made with the rest of the group and fond hellos exchanged with our farrier and his wife, who were invited by us, we all secured our saddles and got on our horses. Making our way down the grassy section and then on to the dusty trail, I began snapping pictures to mark this occasion.
There was a total of nine riders today, although not all are pictured here.
Our horses all did great through the trails that were weaving in and out of the wooded area that eventually opened up into a huge pasture and then finally onto long dirt roads deep in the country. Ah, my favorite place to be; on horseback with my family and great friends!
As we made our way to another dirt road, my daughter’s Pinto pony decided it was time for a break. Although the other horses continued to march on, her pony stopped and refused to go forward. My daughter tried everything she knew to do, but finally, she burst into tears out of sheer frustration with her pony. Realizing what was taking place, I circled around on my horse to try to encourage her pony to walk on. Still, she remained frozen in place. My husband then positioned his horse behind her pony in an effort to encourage the pony to walk. That worked for a brief moment before her pony became stubborn again and refused to budge once more. My daughter sobbed deeply and said she wanted to go home. Being that we were in the middle of an unfamiliar area, I could not take us back to the horse trailer even if I wanted to at that point in time. And, what guarantee did we have at that moment in time that her little pony would decide to move if we were to go the opposite direction to “home.”
Oh, what to do … what to do …
It was at that moment I realized that when things don’t go as planned, we simply cannot give up, resolve into tears, and leave our pony right there in the middle of the road. Instead, we must think of a Plan B or another way of accomplishing what we’re looking to achieve.
We set out to have a wonderful trail ride with friends, and it is normally relaxing. It is as if we can feel the stress melting away as we walk along on our furry companions. This was a minor setback, and it did not last a long period of time; however, when you’re “in the moment,” it feels like minutes have turned into hours of torture! Feeling determined, though, I was willing to do whatever it took to ensure that the day was not ruined and my daughter’s tears would fade away with smiles and laughter taking their place.
And so …
I dismounted from my gentle giant, and I offered my paint horse to my daughter. My horse is very laid back, and if she has any faults at all, it is that she is extremely s-l-o-w at times. I knew that a slower horse would be better for my daughter at that point in time instead of a stubborn pony. And so, I offered my horse to her, and she accepted it.
Having not ridden her pony but one time around the house, I was a little apprehensive. I knew that if the pony took good care of my daughter and did not put her in harm’s way, she would surely take care of me. The thing with ponies, any horse person will tell you, is that they are stubborn through and through at times. At other times, they are good as gold!
Tightening the girth, I slid my left boot into the stirrup and lifted myself over the pony and softly into the saddle. Once my right foot was secure in the stirrup, we started to walk slowly ahead. It wasn’t long before the pony tired to be stubborn with me. I gave her the reins so I knew I wasn’t pulling in her mouth with the bit, and I urged her to go forward. When she would resist and try to turn the opposite direction of where I wanted her to go, I started making her go into circles. If she wasn’t going to do as I asked her, she was going to be made to work in tight circles. Finally, she decided to comply. We walked on for a good bit, even trotting to relieve her boredom, but sure enough, she tried me once more. When she did, I insisted that she back up, and I kept insisting until I was confident enough at this point that she would walk on with no problem when I asked her to do so. Sure enough, she did, and the remainder of the ride was beautiful! We trotted, we laughed, took pictures, joked, and even started singing silly songs along the path. The day wasn’t ruined after all by a stubborn little pony!
When things are not going your way, don’t go as planned, or someone tries to drag you into drama or spew negativity at you, don’t give up, give in, or get angry. Instead, try another approach. Some times, that is all it takes to continue marching on to happier times, even if you have to switch things up for a little while.
Hold your head up high, and remain confident as you walk through any unpleasant situation. Rest assured that it will not last long. It is just a temporary set back, and before you know it, you will be back smiling, laughing, and enjoying life again.
After we switched horses … Look at that SMILE!
My daughter’s Pinto pony was a good ride, even if our friends joked that my horse shrunk along the way. lol You do what you have to do at times. It’s nice to always have a Plan B.
A Brand New Year
It’s here! Twenty sixteen is off to a great start! What will YOU do with a brand new year that God has given to you?
There is just something about having a fresh start, a clean slate, a white canvas on which to paint your masterpiece this coming year. You can do great things this year. You have it in you. It is in all of us, too.
Did you make any resolutions?
Are they like most that will be hitting the gym to get in better shape or going on a new diet to lose some weight?
Or, have you gone deeper and want to strengthen your relationship with Jesus? Are you going to start reading your bible more and praying more often? That is a GREAT resolution, by the way!
Maybe you’re tired of the senseless drama that certain people bring into your life so you’ve decided to distance yourself from those people. Please know that there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and staying clear of those that try to bring you down. You do NOT have to tolerate foolishness in any way, shape, or form. Just as you shouldn’t tolerate disrespect either.
Perhaps you’re vowing to reconnect with friends or loved ones that you’ve lost touch with along the way. This may just be the very year that you let old grudges go and allow peace, forgiveness, and love to take its place.
This is YOUR year.
Let go of hurts from the past. Likewise, let go of anything you cannot change. If someone did something to you in the past, forgive them and move on. Carrying hard feelings with you will only hurt you more. It doesn’t do a single thing to the one you’re holding the grudge against. That is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die from it. It doesn’t work that way. Harboring ill feelings in your heart hurts YOU, not them. Let it go so you can live in peace.
If you have a bad habit that you’d like to break, start today. Little by little, you CAN break that habit. Give yourself grace if you slip back into it, though. When you are ready, nothing will stop you.
This brand new year is yours. There is so much potential before you. This is YOUR year. Make it wonderful!
