Light, Love, Hope

Sitting here writing over the past two weeks, after participating in the #write28days challenge, has touched off a time of reflection about many things I have not thought about in a long time. This has been ironic in that over the past year as I have gotten older I have been reflecting upon certain things trying to figure out why I acted as I did back then.

I have come to realize that I have what seems to be an ingrained fear of many things. I have no idea why I felt this way. But it explains my actions and why I did many of the things I did. And the thing is, I still have the feeling of being afraid lot of times.

It could be that it comes from how I was treated as a child. Being that I was the fat kid with the milk bottle thick glasses I was teased… a lot. I was always picked last for everything. All I wanted to do was feel accepted and a part of things.

As I sit here reflecting on certain things that happened back in the lounge, it seemed that when I would get the courage to strike forth and break through that overwhelming sense of fear, something would happen that would smack me down and feed that big fear monster.

One such situation, involved a person named Simpleton. We seemed hit it off really well. For quite some time we would spend time chatting through ICQ (for those that don’t know what that is think FB messenger) for hours during the evenings. Quite a few people in the lounge were playfully nudging me to about the possibility of us meeting in person. I succumbed to the prodding and asked her on a date. She agreed. This played out for a week or so until a date was set for us to meeting at a designated town between where the two of us lived. Me being my usual self, decided I would get her a single rose with a Teddy Bear. Come the night before we were supposed to meet, the truth came out. She was just playing with me. To say the least, I was crushed. Even though this had happened before, that didn’t take away the feeling that I was worthless and not worthy of anyone which just fed more of my fear of relationships. Because of this, I closed myself off. I was too afraid to try again. Because of that feat, I missed out on something magical.

In this time of reflecting back on things I like, I realize now it was foolish to let my fear keep me from the thing I wanted most in life.

From the time we get up in the morning until we go to bed, we have things pulling on us.  There are multiple deadlines that need to be met, and everyone seems to want something from us.  We feel overwhelmed at times and wish for some quiet time.  When we are finally afforded the opportunity and the house is silent, do we enjoy it?  Or do we end up feeling lonesome?

We spend the majority of our time at work with mere acquaintances.  Throughout the day our hearts may long for our loved ones, but we are surrounded by chaos at work.  We just need a minute!  Until we don’t …

Silence can be deafening to those who do not like to be alone with their thoughts.  I’ve been there with hours spent on the lawn mower reflecting on things in my life.  For me, I was lonesome without my daughter when she had to be away, and I welcomed her with open arms for “the biggest hug ever” every single time she returned home.  This was something we both looked forward to upon her return home, and she would run straight into my awaiting arms with the biggest smile on her face!

What a sweet reunion!

I can see her now with her golden locks bouncing as she scrambles out of the vehicle and clinches her fists as she starts to run.  Bright blue eyes widen in anticipation and an excited smile forms on her face.  She runs straight into my arms!  Giggling, I spin her around and tell her how much I love her!

That vision is as clear now as it was 20 years ago.

And yes, I was lonesome without the house full of laughter from my firstborn baby girl.

Eight years later, her sister joined us!  We were so overjoyed when God allowed our little miracle baby to come into this world.  What a blessing both of our daughters have been and always will be!  Now our daughters will have a forever friend in each other as sisters!   When once I worried about my oldest walking alone in life, I no longer had to think of that.  She and her sister now have each other, and I rest in the reassurance of this for them both.  I know how much my sister meant to me, and I am thankful knowing despite the eight years between them, they are close!  They have each other!

Ah, but my youngest was, indeed, lonesome when her big sister had to go away every other weekend.  We tried to fill the void until her playmate returned home.  They would play fight with each other or even sometimes temporarily be mad at each other for taking something out of their rooms.  This was quickly forgiven, and all was right in their worlds again as they giggled and played together once more.

Both girls knew of my online friends and eventually spent time with them in person as well.  Later, they, too, developed friendships with people they met online.  When once they may have tried to fill the void and loneliness they felt at various times by occupying themselves online, the friendships grew until they became the very best of friends.  I have been present when my daughters met their online friends for the very first time in person!  In fact, I videoed both times they met their online friends for the very first time.

The world wide web can be a very useful tool, indeed!

I find it ironic to be writing about such a topic today. You see today is one of my least favorite days of the year. It is just a sad reminder to me of how I frequently feel, alone.

As I meandered my way through the forum topics, certain people began to stand out. It was the way they presented themselves through their words, the style of their writing. I became captivated as I read through this beautiful writing. It wasn’t the topics, it was the presentation that was filled with feeling an emotion in the words being displayed.

It is interesting that one of the most commons sayings you hear throughout your life is, “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” I think that is completely wrong. Believing that some thing or someone is beautiful is not about the visual or audible aspect. It is about the feeling in your heart that arises when you see or hear that person or see that sunrise or sunset. It is that feeling in your heart when you hear the laugh of a child. That is what defines in your soul what is beautiful to you and only you.

That feeling will make you stop and see things you wouldn’t necessarily notice. It can happen anywhere, because of anything or any person. It is something that science cannot explain away with logic or data because it comes from your heart. That is where you hold it, you treasure it, to keep if there forever. That is what beautiful is.