World Suicide Prevention Day
Today my daughter came out of her shell to reach others and offer hope. This from a shy 18 year old that normally is quiet and keeps to herself. Yet, she knows what it is like to struggle. She has tried so hard through the years to be all that she can be to a man that offers very little to her in return in the way of love. Sadly, this man is her biological father. The pain she has felt due to his neglect of her has been enormous but pales to the pain her step mom was allowed to inflict upon her through words of humiliation and belittling all of those tender years she was forced to spend every other weekend with them. As you can imagine, the weeks in the summer and weeks around Christmas were also torture for her, and she began to act out. She did so in a way not to harm others but to secretly harm herself. All because the pain was so great.
What happened in the mist of her pain, she encountered others that felt similar ways. When they latched on to my daughter, it was like a drowning person holding on to her for dear life. With their flaring arms, flapping wildly as she tried to pull them to shore, soon she, too, began to struggle to keep her head above water. She gasped for breath as they pulled her under.
Thankfully God allowed her secret to be revealed one evening. I will never forget stumbling upon pictures and posts on her computer. When I learned of how desperate she felt, my heart shattered into a million pieces as tears flowed like a river out of my eyes and down my cheeks. Every part of me ached to take her pain away. She hurt, and I could not save her from the pain she felt in life.
This hit me so hard because she’s my daughter! It also hit me hard because years ago I lost my only sibling to suicide. I feared that my daughter was contemplating this, although she assured me that she wasn’t. I prayed and begged God to help her … and to help ME help her! I’ll admit that I did not handle the new found information well at all. I cried, prayed, begged, became angry, and then the waves of pain hit all over again. My daughter … my baby!!
With counseling, she was able to become stronger and believe more in herself. She was comforted with bible verses that the Christian counselor equipped her with, along with reassuring hugs from me, her mother.
Not even a month ago, my daughter got a tattoo on her ankle that says “Hope.” It has special meaning to her, to me, to the world. She offered HOPE … when others felt hopeless in their situations before, but she is better equipped now to offer her assistance while having a life preserver alongside her when she tries to rescue them from the deep waters.
Today, on World Suicide Prevention Day, my daughter came out of her shell and reached out to others to offer HOPE to them. She posted a very heartfelt message on Facebook, and she shared about this organization that means so much to her: To Write Love On Her Arms. I have supported this organization since she first introduced me to it, and I proudly wear their clothing to offer the message of Hope to the world as well. I have a lime green tank top that says, “Hope is real.” It is in honor of my daughter as lime green is one of her favorite colors, and the message is clear as hope is what kept my daughter holding on. Hope is real, and I am forever grateful that this beautiful young lady was able to escape the darkness and emerge to be a light to those around her. I am thankful for how she has grown, matured, and still offers the utmost care, concern, love, and compassion for those around her.
Today, I celebrate my daughter and how far she has come. I applaud her efforts to reach out to those to offer Hope in any form. Some are against tattoos, but think of the power that her Hope tattoo could have. Think of the impact that it has to reach others. Look at the word itself. HOPE ….
Hold
On
Pain
Ends
If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of harming yourself or thoughts of suicide, please reach out to us or a health care professional. You are not alone, dear one. Help is available. Promise me that you’ll allow someone to come alongside of you to offer you hope even when you’re feeling hopeless. I share my daughter’s story with you tonight to show you where she was and how far she has come. Your story isn’t over yet, and God isn’t finished with you. Please hold on a little longer and a little tighter. Promise that we’ll see you tomorrow … and the next day … and the next. You are loved, and you matter!
Start the conversation: 800-273-TALK
I’ll leave you with my daughter’s message from her Facebook page:
Hold On Pain Ends.
Your story doesn’t stop here. I know times may be tough and it seems like it will never get better, no matter how hard you try, but I promise you it will get better. There are times where the pressure will seem unbearable, but you have to keep your head above the water and learn to swim. Life is never going to be easy but I promise you it will be worth it in the end. Please never feel like suicide is ever the answer. Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it passes it to the ones who love you. Suicide shouldn’t ever be an answer, no matter how hard it gets.
Just this year I lost one of my friends to suicide. I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t end the pain. You might feel that no one cares about you or that no one would notice if you were gone, but they do care and will most definitely notice. Emily felt as if no one would care or notice if she was gone, but her passing had haunted us all. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could have stopped her from doing what she did. If I could do anything in this world, I would bring her back. I miss you so much, Em.
Not only is today #nationalsuicideprevention
day but this entire week is#nationalsuicideprevention week. Organizations like @twloha and @hopefortheday are here to spread a positive message of support and love to those who are struggling with suicidal thoughts and actions. If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please reach out and ask for help. The suicide hotline ( for the US ) is 18002738255. There are also many text hotlines and chat lines if you are unable to call. Please never lose hope in a better tomorrow. The sky’s are grey now but soon you will have a beautiful sunrise. Hold on to hope. Keep fighting and stay strong. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I am always here to help as best as I can. Your story doesn’t stop here.
7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage
Shirley shared her thoughts yesterday on marriage and tools for your toolbox. Today I’ll recap insight I gained from the book “ 7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage” by Kim Kimberling, PHD. In this book, we look at several successful tips as how God has designed marriage along with the many blessings it offers.
While Shirley writes and allows it to flow beautifully, I am more of a direct and to the point person. Bullet points or numbers help me get my point across. Therefore, allow me to share in that format below on the seven secrets that are revealed in this book:
1. Stop -The Insanities That Hold Us Back
No matter what your marriage circumstances are, ALL couples face challenges together! Many times it is stemmed from your upbringing or your past mistakes that haunt you and hinder your connection or communication with your spouse or perhaps you have unhealthy or unrealistic expectations. It is very hard to face your baggage and change yourself. Some may choose not. Some people back up get help, take a long look at themselves, and reinvent what it takes to have a successful marriage.
2. Start -The Practice of Putting GOD First, Spouse Second.
One Best way to practice this is to Pray together. It doesn’t matter how you do it or how long. Many time we forget to go to God for our marriages but why when he designed marriage. God is in the business of changing hearts long term. Letting him change your heart is a 3-step process. Step 1, Admitting that you have been selfish and have put your wants and desires above God. Step 2, Making a commitment to put God first in EVERYTHING and seeking His help in doing this.
3. Connect -The Art of Listening and Being Present.
There will always be distractions and things that will pull your focus away from each other. Often times couples resort to the old “silent treatment” instead to connecting and only creates and unhealthy stressful atmosphere for a marriage of confusion and uncertainly. This yields to allowing the enemy the opportunity to step in. Stop, Look, Listen. Ok this phrase in the book hit home because I am an Elvis fan and this was one of his songs titles. When connecting it is important to focus on every work. Stop and turn off any distraction, Look at them, and actively listen with compassion and empathy.
4. Engage- How to Fight Right.
If you have never tied this, Pick out something you are struggling with and simply say,” God, I am giving this to you”. Now comes the hard part Leave it with God. That on is very hard I know by experience that I struggled with, but God will not let you down! When you and your spouse have disagreements or quarrels, and you will; try to agree on this strategy; 1. Pray that God will guide you both, 2. Agree on the problem with each taking responsibility for their part of the problem, 3. Discuss possible solutions, 4. Agree to a time to revisit if needed,5. Celebrate your success!
5. Balance- Scheduling for a Better Marriage.
Use time management skills to talk, touch, have fun, and make it a priority to better your marriage.
6. Mingle-Sex as the Mingling of the Souls.
Sex is purely a gift from God. When you put God first, do other steps 1-5, sex will not only be a physical experience between each other but a spiritual element of mingling of the souls, or dod (Greek meaning). Having this this personal relationship with God along with a committed intimate relationship with your spouse amplifies the benefits to be amazing.
7. Fight -The Power of Fighting Together on the Same Team. All Couples must realize that no matter what the issue or outcome, when they are fighting together, their marriage must always win. In other words they are on the same team and their marriage always is the goal.
While I have recapped, I do encourage you to buy the book from Family Christian to soak in Dr. Kimberling’s words that are certainly more eloquently put than mine. I do hope you were able to gain something from what Shirley shared yesterday and my words today.
Here’s to improving and saving marriages!!
~This blog post was written by Shirley’s husband, Dusty!~
Tools For Your Toolbox
Let’s be completely honest here. Is your marriage all that you thought it would be? When you sought out THE perfect dress and walked down the aisle all covered in white lace, is this the “happily ever after” that you thought you’d have? I’m not just referring to the fairy tale wedding. I’m referring to your marriage; your life together as husband and wife.
I’ll go first – and then feel free to examine your heart on the issues in your own marriage.
My husband and I have been married for going on 13 years. This is my second marriage and his first. I admit that I am not as tolerant as I once was in my first marriage. I thought that was my “forever” but soon learned he did not feel the same (he cheated on me) so we divorced after seven years. With all that I went through in my first marriage, I wanted my second marriage to have a fairy tale ending “… and they lived happily ever after” riding off into the sunset holding hands and looking at each other sooooo in love. I admit that I wanted my “forever” with my second husband. While I understand the whole marriage concept was new to my second husband, after 13 years you do expect things to be better than ever before.
To continue with the honesty, we’ve had our share of struggles – some we have discussed here on this blog. A lot of couples throw in the towel when the going gets tough. But, that is the time you need to realize that you’re on the same team with the same goals in mind. That is the time that you need to whip out all of the tools in your handy little toolbox and get to work – both of you – to improve and save the marriage. I will add that if your spouse is willing to make a lasting change and shows that every day, then you have a future together. If your spouse is unwilling to change, though, you have a rough road ahead of you. Remember the saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result? That’s where you’re at in your marriage if your spouse is unwilling to change!
As for me, I’m at the stage in my life where I will no longer be tossed around in someone else’s drama, even if the drama is coming straight from my spouse and issues from his past that he’s failed to deal with completely. I want, deserve, and need to find happiness. I am not getting any younger, and as I reach my mid-forties, this is not how I want to live the rest of my life; in turmoil. As a counselor pointed out, I have accepted this for way too long. He’s gotten away with it, but no more. I’m holding him accountable and no longer tolerating what I put up with in the past.
Despite the troubles we’ve had, am I ready to give up? Am I ready to throw in the towel? Ah, NO!! Instead, I’m ready to try harder than ever before. Why? Because we are worth it! Our marriage is worth saving! We deserve to be happy!
I went away this past weekend to Indiana with my daughter. On this trip, I had a lot of time to think. Upon my return, I told my husband that if he cannot commit to me and not have anything else placed before me (other than God), then obviously I am not his happiness. I intend to have happiness in life, though, and while I’d rather have that happiness with him by my side, if he isn’t in this for the long haul, committed to me and making this work, then I wish him well on finding his happiness. He said he wants his happiness with me, and so we’re working together now not to have what we had before trouble entered the picture. No, we don’t want to go back to that life. We want so much MORE, and so we’re striving for a new, better way of loving each other as we travel down this road in life hand in hand, heart to heart.
There is a little book called “7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage” by Kim Kimberling, PHD. Dr. Kimberling will help equip you with tools for your toolbox. One main thing is that the couples HAVE to put God first. There is no other way. If you put any one or any thing before God, it will be doomed. God has to be number one, followed by your spouse. That is one area that I know we struggled with but are working on.
Another is issues from the past or “baggage” that is brought into the marriage whether it’s the way you grew up, an addiction that was hidden for too long, etc. It requires that you take a good, hard look in the mirror at yourself and decide if you want to work through those issues to be a better spouse. They deserve all of your love, not holding on to things that will destroy your marriage — and believe me, if you have a hidden sin, you are slowly chipping away at your marriage foundation. Soon it will collapse. If you don’t want that, admit where you have sinned, ask God and your spouse for forgiveness and mean it with your whole heart, and then turn from that sin and never ever go back to it!
My husband will share his words tomorrow on the blog and insight he gained from reading the book. Bravo to my husband for reading the book cover to cover and not just picking things out that interest him (like sex … yes that is mentioned in the book, too …).
To sum up my part of the review of the book, I’ll say …
Buy the book. Utilize the tools given. Watch your marriage improve as God works wonders for you and your spouse!
Watch for more from my husband on this book tomorrow on the blog!
