Tools For Your Toolbox
Let’s be completely honest here. Is your marriage all that you thought it would be? When you sought out THE perfect dress and walked down the aisle all covered in white lace, is this the “happily ever after” that you thought you’d have? I’m not just referring to the fairy tale wedding. I’m referring to your marriage; your life together as husband and wife.
I’ll go first – and then feel free to examine your heart on the issues in your own marriage.
My husband and I have been married for going on 13 years. This is my second marriage and his first. I admit that I am not as tolerant as I once was in my first marriage. I thought that was my “forever” but soon learned he did not feel the same (he cheated on me) so we divorced after seven years. With all that I went through in my first marriage, I wanted my second marriage to have a fairy tale ending “… and they lived happily ever after” riding off into the sunset holding hands and looking at each other sooooo in love. I admit that I wanted my “forever” with my second husband. While I understand the whole marriage concept was new to my second husband, after 13 years you do expect things to be better than ever before.
To continue with the honesty, we’ve had our share of struggles – some we have discussed here on this blog. A lot of couples throw in the towel when the going gets tough. But, that is the time you need to realize that you’re on the same team with the same goals in mind. That is the time that you need to whip out all of the tools in your handy little toolbox and get to work – both of you – to improve and save the marriage. I will add that if your spouse is willing to make a lasting change and shows that every day, then you have a future together. If your spouse is unwilling to change, though, you have a rough road ahead of you. Remember the saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result? That’s where you’re at in your marriage if your spouse is unwilling to change!
As for me, I’m at the stage in my life where I will no longer be tossed around in someone else’s drama, even if the drama is coming straight from my spouse and issues from his past that he’s failed to deal with completely. I want, deserve, and need to find happiness. I am not getting any younger, and as I reach my mid-forties, this is not how I want to live the rest of my life; in turmoil. As a counselor pointed out, I have accepted this for way too long. He’s gotten away with it, but no more. I’m holding him accountable and no longer tolerating what I put up with in the past.
Despite the troubles we’ve had, am I ready to give up? Am I ready to throw in the towel? Ah, NO!! Instead, I’m ready to try harder than ever before. Why? Because we are worth it! Our marriage is worth saving! We deserve to be happy!
I went away this past weekend to Indiana with my daughter. On this trip, I had a lot of time to think. Upon my return, I told my husband that if he cannot commit to me and not have anything else placed before me (other than God), then obviously I am not his happiness. I intend to have happiness in life, though, and while I’d rather have that happiness with him by my side, if he isn’t in this for the long haul, committed to me and making this work, then I wish him well on finding his happiness. He said he wants his happiness with me, and so we’re working together now not to have what we had before trouble entered the picture. No, we don’t want to go back to that life. We want so much MORE, and so we’re striving for a new, better way of loving each other as we travel down this road in life hand in hand, heart to heart.
There is a little book called “7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage” by Kim Kimberling, PHD. Dr. Kimberling will help equip you with tools for your toolbox. One main thing is that the couples HAVE to put God first. There is no other way. If you put any one or any thing before God, it will be doomed. God has to be number one, followed by your spouse. That is one area that I know we struggled with but are working on.
Another is issues from the past or “baggage” that is brought into the marriage whether it’s the way you grew up, an addiction that was hidden for too long, etc. It requires that you take a good, hard look in the mirror at yourself and decide if you want to work through those issues to be a better spouse. They deserve all of your love, not holding on to things that will destroy your marriage — and believe me, if you have a hidden sin, you are slowly chipping away at your marriage foundation. Soon it will collapse. If you don’t want that, admit where you have sinned, ask God and your spouse for forgiveness and mean it with your whole heart, and then turn from that sin and never ever go back to it!
My husband will share his words tomorrow on the blog and insight he gained from reading the book. Bravo to my husband for reading the book cover to cover and not just picking things out that interest him (like sex … yes that is mentioned in the book, too …).
To sum up my part of the review of the book, I’ll say …
Buy the book. Utilize the tools given. Watch your marriage improve as God works wonders for you and your spouse!
Watch for more from my husband on this book tomorrow on the blog!
Coming Clean
With the data breach and hacking on the ashleymadison.com website, a lot of people have been forced to “come clean.” While the focus has been on the Duggars and poor Anna (the cheating husband’s wife), there are many other faceless victims out there. I say faceless because they aren’t as well known as the Duggars, and their pictures aren’t on the news, in entertainment magazines, or websites. They are the faceless victims that discover the truth about a spouse that they loved and gave their whole selves to without hesitation at one point. Now, they are trying to grasp the sanity that is quickly escaping them as they find out the truth about someone that was once their entire heart and soul, their life, and their future. Feeling unsure of what the future may hold now, they sit in shock, wondering if feeling will ever return to their grief stricken bodies and knowing full well that when it does, it will bring the most excruciating pain ever imaginable with it.
Loss of appetite. Loss of sleep. Feeling sick to your stomach as if you could vomit at any given moment. These are just the beginning when you realize the truth about someone that kept this part of themselves hidden for so long. The tears, the unrecognizable sobs that escape your mouth that seem to come from your very toes … it hurts THAT much.
And why?
When it finally comes out, can they honestly say that it was worth it all? The lies, the cheating, the betrayal, the withholding information, the deception. Was it worth it? Was it worth losing your family over? Some times, people even lose their jobs, their livelihood. In the end, was it worth it? Those pictures, the magazines, the porn videos that only leave you wanting more, the sex addiction that progresses to seeking out “hook up” sites for casual sex or prostitutes … the extramarital affairs, one night stands, or even curiosity of what those dating sites might hold … was it worth it in the end when you lose your family and your job?
How many would go and do it all over again if they knew the high cost of their actions?
It had to be difficult living a double life. They had to be extremely miserable as they tried to act as normal as possible while feeling anything but … deep inside they probably felt dirty and like the piece of trash they were looking at on the computer screen or talking to via email, texts, or maybe even in person if it progressed to that point.
Why get on those sites in the first place? They’re not there seeking a good wholesome individual to settle down and raise a family with. Why won’t they realize that people on those sites are not people they would want to introduce their children to. These are NOT the type of people to be proud to bring home to Mama either. So why the draw to such individuals? What is so attractive about lowering themselves to this point to consider being with these types of people? For what? A few moments of pleasure? Whether they’re pleasing themselves or sleeping with someone while their devoted and loving spouse sits at home feeling neglected, lonely, and unloved … why such a high appeal for this type of life?
Now the information is readily available and accessible for ALL of their wrongdoings. God already knew, and I believe God hung His head and wept each time they took part in ANY of the dishonorable things that they were doing. He cried because this is not the life He wanted for His child – neither the one doing it nor the one that it was being done to. I believe it grieved Jesus. Imagine the heart wrenching cries from their spouse … and even more coming straight from Jesus Christ.
It’s time for it to stop. All of it. If they would only come clean and never go back there again.
For those that have been doing it, you’re going to get burned. If you don’t believe me, ask ANY person that was once wrapped up in this sin. They didn’t get out of it unscathed. Neither will you or your family.
In coming clean, they free themselves from the web of lies that they’ve spun, and they free themselves from the bondage that this had on them. They break the chains that tied them to the stuff that they once did in secret, in darkness, and kept hidden for way too long. Oh the distance they have put into place between those that love them and those they proclaim to love.
The anger they feel stems from the double life they were living, the lies they told, and covering their tracks. They would be amazed, if they would only realize, how freeing it will be when they finally get tired of living this double life, come clean, and STAY clean while walking the straight and narrow now in their relationships and marriages. This will no longer have a stronghold in their lives so the anger that has welled up inside of them will be replaced with peace. God’s peace. God’s love. God’s forgiveness.
It’s time for the healing to begin. Only with God’s help is this possible.
Words
Your words have the power to hurt, to heal, open minds, open hearts,
and change the world.
Never forget the responsibility you have
over the words you speak.
Steven Aitchison
In the mist of discovering something that shattered her heart, she failed to maintain her composure this time around. She let words fly out of her mouth to assault his ears, just as this new discovery assaulted her heart of hearts bringing her to her knees.
No, she didn’t fall before the offender on her knees begging … nor did she dissolve into a puddle of tears pleading.
Instead, she fell to her knees before the Lord. The ONLY one that can truly comfort her. She drew nearer to her Savior, the one that promises to be near to the brokenhearted. She called out His name, and He appeared at once wrapping His strong and mighty arms around her, providing strength when she felt weak and as if she could not go on.
And she can’t.
Not like this.
Not with new found information.
Not with wondering what is going to come out next.
Not with questions without answers or answers that will shatter her once more.
She stops wondering what else there is to know … because she knows the One who is all knowing.
The questions torment her. She agonizes over so many things from the past wondering why. This isn’t the life she signed up for, and yet, here she is living it the best she knows how.
But God …
BUT GOD steps in. She cries out to Him and says, “God, I can’t do this on my own. I can’t do this without you. I NEED YOU …” and He swoops down to comfort His child.
She sobs into His chest. “Why, Father? As good as I was to him … ” and her words trail off as His fingertip wipes away her tears.
Extending her hands in front of her now, she gives it all to Him … “Here, Father, take this from me, take it ALL from me … I give all of my worries, sorrows, heartache, and pain, all of my questions, hurtful answers, his half truths, outright lies, deceit, betrayal, unfaithfulness … all things known and unknown … I give it ALL to you, Father!! It is yours. Work it out the best way you know how, Father.”
And her hands, now cupped together, with fully extended arms in front of her, she lifts it up high to the Heavens before God, Almighty. He takes it from her hands … every … single … thing that has tormented her and caused her pain. In their place, He provides peace, He extends His love to cover all things, and He comforts her broken and weary heart.
She lays her head on His shoulder now, fully trusting and relying on God. She cried out to Him, and He showed up.
Now it is all changing … shifting … improving …
No, not because of a mere mortal man realizing the error in his ways or his wrongdoings ….
Because God has His hand ALL over this situation and arms wrapped securely around His child. She walks confidently in Him now … with the knowledge that she isn’t fighting this alone any more. The Mighty Warrior steps up and steps out, fully equipped to fight this battle and win this war.
Better yet, seeing her strength, which was only possibly through Christ, he turns toward her asking, “How do I do that … I want what you have …”
He doesn’t want to be like this forever. He’s willing to change.
And so she shares with him how he, too, can have this through Christ, Our Lord.
As their entire world changes ….
