I Often Wonder
My sister’s life was cut short. She passed away at just 33 years old, two weeks after delivering her only child.
Oh, I will never forget the day that my sister came to my place of employment to tell me the news that she was pregnant.
She asked me to walk to her car where she immediately placed a neatly wrapped package in my hands. The wrapping paper was so pretty and delicate with a little ribbon tied around the square item that I now held in my hands. I looked at her with this big question mark over my head, I’m sure, as it was not my birthday or any special occasion so I could not understand why she was presenting me with a gift.
I slowly started to unwrap the present as I glanced up at her. She was standing in front of me with the sweetest smile forming on her lips. I carefully ripped back the paper to reveal the back of a picture frame. As I turned it over and feasted my eyes upon the picture that this silver frame held, I could contain my excitement no longer. Inside the picture frame was an ultrasound picture! Without saying a word, I KNEW!
After several squeals of delight and wrapping my arms around my sister’s neck to give her the biggest hug ever, I stepped back to examine my little niece or nephew that I would meet in a few months.
Oh no, I will never forget the day or the way she announced her pregnancy to me! Her way of doing this was extra special.
My sister allowed me to be a part of her pregnancy. She kept me informed of doctor appointments and the results of testing as well as when other ultrasounds were scheduled. I had the honor of throwing a baby shower for her, just as she had done for me four years prior when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. We shared so much during those months of her pregnancy. Time that I treasured and wish I could have slowed down a little more to have enjoyed the last months of her life. I had no idea at that point in time that as much as we were eagerly awaiting the baby’s arrival with the days seeming to crawl by … we now wish they would have gone a little slower so we could have savored more time with her here on this earth with us.
Ah, but there was no way for us to know.
I was allowed to be present for my sister’s delivery. While I was not in the room, I was standing just outside of her hospital room when my niece took her first breath in to release the sweetest little cry which was music to our ears! I remember literally jumping up and down in excitement right there in the hall when I heard the beautiful sound of her baby crying.
Within moments, the nurse was coming out of the room to let us know that my sister delivered a little girl. When the doctor had her ready, I was allowed to take my place by my sister’s bedside as I gushed with pride at the pink, wrinkled bundle of joy that she held in her arms. What a precious, precious sight to see. My sister … the one that once tormented me to no end in our childhood days … was now a mother!
The nurses were ready to take the little bundle to the nursery to weigh her and put her cute little baby footprints on the page in the baby book that I had given my sister a month earlier. Her husband allowed me to be present in the nursery as they did all of the necessary things that are required for a newborn. There I was, smiling widely as I snapped picture after picture, standing next to my niece anxiously awaiting the moment I would be allowed to hold her for the first time. That would have to wait, though, as there was business to tend to.
I remember looking through the glass of the nursery and seeing my parents and her inlaws smiling back as they ohh’ed and ahhh’ed over the pink, wrinkled skinned baby girl laying there in all of her glory. What a precious moment that I was allowed to be a part of.
Later, we returned to my sister’s side with her baby all cleaned up, and then it happened. I was given the green light to hold my darling niece in my arms! Finally, I could hold this little angel and look into her sparkling brown eyes while using the lightest touch possible as I stroked my index finger across what little bit of brown hair covered her tiny head.
Two weeks.
That’s all we had with my sister after the delivery of her daughter. Our happy moments were soon a distant memory as we learned of my sister’s passing. Death came knocking that scorching hot and humid July day.
I will never forget fearing something was terribly wrong and racing as fast as my Honda Civic would go own the country roads to my sister’s house that day. I could not get there fast enough. I had such an urgency in my being after not reaching her by phone all morning long. That day was the first day her husband was returning to work after the delivery of their daughter, and I knew something was wrong when she did not answer the phone despite my practically ringing it off the hook. I called the doctor’s office as she was supposed to call for an appointment that day, yet, they had not heard from her. Sharing my concerns with them, they, too, began calling her but were unable to reach her. When the nurse asked me if I thought my sister might harm herself or the baby, I practically threw the phone on the floor as I raced out of the door at my office and got behind the wheel. THAT was my biggest fear. It had now been spoken out into the universe, and I had to get to my sister … right … then!
We knew that my sister was having a little trouble. She wasn’t sleeping. We knew she had concerns as to whether she was being a good mother to her newborn daughter. YES! She was such a good mother, and it showed in how she gently and tenderly cared for her daughter. She did not sleep due to standing over her daughter’s crib as she was afraid something was going to happen to her baby. Sure, we tried to relieve my sister so she could get some sleep, but we saw her shadow across the threshold behind the closed bedroom door, and we knew that sleep had not come after all. That was why she was making an appointment first thing that Monday morning when the doctor’s office opened up. And yet … the call was never placed.
Back on the road, my thoughts were consuming me, and the urgency was rising up within me even more so than before. I HAD to get to her. Speeding down the road, I soon saw a gray car in my rear view mirror. This car was so close to me with flashing yellow hazard lights behind me. I just knew it was an unmarked police car. Regardless, I would not stop. NOT even for the blue light that I was anticipating at any given moment. Instead of the blue lights, though, the gray car attempted to get beside me. I stomped the gas pedal even closer to the floor as I thought they might be trying to get around me, and I was NOT stopping for THEIR emergency. I had an emergency of my own!
I turned the corner and everything seemed to go in slow motion at that point. I could not believe my eyes. There was yellow caution, police tape around my sister’s house, and her house was surrounded by police cars. And then, the gray car pulled in behind me, and as I turned around, I saw my dad rushing to stand before me where he grabbed me … and I knew. Instantly, I knew … our greatest fear had become a reality. Without my dad saying a word, I knew that my sister had ended her life. As his strong arms were wrapped around me as tightly as he could hold me with the palm of his hands on the back of my head, I sobbed deeply into his chest. There were sounds that day that I could not identity as I had never heard them before – or since – and I pray I never do again. Those sounds came from me. Heart wrenching, deep from the core of my being … sobs and wails … as my heart shattered into a million pieces inside of my chest as my daddy held me up in his embrace.
That was – without a doubt – the worst day of my life when I lost my sister. My only sibling. The only other person that could identify with childhood memories. I lost my best friend that day.
Thirteen years have passed now, and I remember this all as if it was yesterday. When it happened, I did not know how I would make it from one minute to the next. I had no idea how I could possibly draw my next breath now that she was gone. This hurt and pain was unlike anything else I had ever felt before in my lifetime. It was as if someone snatched me up with lightning speed and threw me full force into a brick wall. I hurt, I ached, I shook. Sleep would not come for me as nightmares took its place. While I did not see my sister end her life, I had this horror movie that played on repeat in my brain that I could … not … shut … off!
Post traumatic stress syndrome. We learned what that was after my sister’s passing.
And as badly as I was hurting, it was magnified for my parents. My dad, I later learned, had witnessed the aftermath of my sister’s suicide. He and my brother-in-law were the ones that found her. My dad had rushed to my sister’s house after I told him I could not get her on the phone. He heard the baby crying but could not get into the house. He called her husband at work, and he rushed home to meet my dad. Together, they went into the house where they found my niece in the bassinet that I had given my sister. There my niece was laying in the white bassinet, crying. They made their way down the hallway and into the master bedroom where they found my sister. I can not begin to imagine the horror that my dad lives with to this very day after what he saw in that room. While my brother-in-law ran screaming from the room and later fainted on the kitchen floor, my dad stayed in the room crying over his daughter. Not wishing for anyone else to see my sister this way, my dad took a sheet and covered my sister’s body.
Yes, thirteen years later, and we are the survivors that have had to find a new sense of normal. We had to learn how to walk around with our hearts shattered now that my sister was gone. We had to learn how to act again, and how to function with such a big part of us missing.
I often wonder what it would have been like if my sister had reached out for help that day. Instead of taking matters into her own hands, I wish she would have called me and let me know that she was struggling as she had never struggled before. Oh, how I wish she had given me a little insight into the pain that she kept hidden from us all in those two weeks. Yes, we knew the lack of sleep was an issue, but we did not know the emotional turmoil that she was feeling. Until it was too late.
We were only allowed to be around my niece a handful of times through these 13 years. That added to our pain as the only part of my sister we had left, we were not able to be with. We were not allowed to be an active part of her daughter’s life. We were not allowed to be there for her, to bond with her, to love her and show her the depths of our love for her. We were forbidden, for the majority of these years, from interacting with her.
My niece will be 14 years old in July. I often wonder how things would have been different if her mother had been here all of these years. I know I would have had a closer relationship with her as my sister would have made sure that all of us saw her more and got to spend quality time with her.
I often wonder what we could have done differently to have prevented my sister’s suicide. For a long time, we carried so much guilt and shame for not knowing … not seeing … not stopping … this heart breaking, tragic event that took my sister from us all.
Oh yes, I often wonder what life would have been like. I sure do.
Honoring Mothers Every Where
Yesterday was Mother’s Day. It was a day honoring mothers every where. That includes YOU, dear mother that is reading this that often times feels like everyone else gets honored on “that” day but you.
I have been there.
There was once a time when I felt like I was lost in the shuffle on Mother’s Day. The festivities fell on my shoulders … to make sure my mom felt special, to make sure my grandmother felt special, too, and let’s not forget that I also had to make sure that my mother-in-law felt special as well. I was the one that people looked to and expected something to be done to “celebrate” the mothers in the family. Yet, I was and am a mother myself, so who was supposed to celebrate … ME?
At one time, I felt selfish for these thoughts. Not any more.
I AM a mother, and I DO deserve to be treated special. Not just on one day a year, though. Yes, mothers get special recognition on that day for all that they do. But, I hope you’re showing your mother or the mother of your children DAILY how special they are and how much you appreciate and love them. They work long hours with little recognition for all that they DO. As the saying goes, “A mother’s work is never done.” It seems like that, doesn’t it with the endless pile of laundry that seems to breed and multiply in the laundry room and clothes hampers!
But, yes, at one point I felt selfish for wondering who was to celebrate me and how long did I have to “mother” to qualify for someone celebrating me.
I finally decided that my husband was perfectly capable of celebrating the woman that brought him into this world and raised him. I no longer needed to carry the weight of this on my shoulders to do things “just right” to celebrate her. She wasn’t my mother. Oh that is not going to come off nice to some of my readers, but I inherited her when I married him. Whether he celebrated her in years past and how, he did without me then … so if he wishes to celebrate her now, he can still do that without my help. No, I don’t harbor any ill feelings toward his mother at all. Please don’t read that into this. But, she was one of the ones that didn’t really celebrate me. Finally, she did start mailing me a card, which I appreciate. It took YEARS for me to “qualify” to be a recipient of a card from her, although I am the mother of her 10 year old granddaughter in addition to her 18 year old step granddaughter. Yes, I think I more than qualify for someone to celebrate me instead of me always being the one to celebrate everyone else and make sure they feel special on Mother’s Day.
Although my late grandmother would come to Mother’s Day dinner at my house along with my parents, my grandma didn’t celebrate me either. I always had her a present when she came, and I made sure to recognize her. I just did not “qualify” to receive recognition from her, I suppose, although I’ve been a mother for the past 18 years.
My parents, though, they ALWAYS celebrated me. I was recognized by my dad, especially, and I am so thankful for all that he has done in years past and this year included, to recognize me on this day where mothers every where are honored and recognized.
I was always so “busy” getting the Mother’s Day gifts in order as well as preparing the Mother’s Day meal … it wasn’t a day off for me AT ALL … instead, it seemed to be a day that I worked even harder, without any recognition at all for ME being a mother, too. I worked, I did, I bought, I cooked, I made, I recognized, I honored. Everyone let me do it, too. My mother, my grandmother, my mother-in-law, my husband, etc.
Finally I had a melt down one year. I said WHO is going to celebrate ME?
Well, I did NOT have that complaint this year AT ALL …
As to the answer to the question “Who is going to celebrate ME?” My daughter … my 18 year old daughter that is graduating at the end of the month … took HER graduation money that she has received from people thus far and went shopping for me. I did not know this at the time, but it was revealed to me this past weekend. My darling daughter took her money that was given to her and used it to purchase presents to honor and celebrate me. She could have (and really should have) taken that money to use on something for herself … and yet, she sacrificed so that I would be honored and celebrated on Mother’s Day.
It all started Friday when my girls announced that they would do whatever I wanted the entire weekend since it was Mother’s Day weekend. YEA!!!!
We took off to Charleston on Friday to Magnolia Plantation and Gardens. Oh my goodness! If you have never been … it is a must see if you are ever in South Carolina!
From the historic house, to the beautiful grounds, there is so much history within the old rice fields alongside of this plantation. We strolled through the gardens, visited the petting zoo, and enjoyed looking at the miniature horses and donkey as well. Then, we went up to the house and played on a tree that my now 18 year old daughter played on when we visited this site many years ago. We took pictures with the beautiful white bridge that is in a lot of people’s wedding photographs from the low country. We were one with nature as we saw alligators in the ponds and swamps, and that was plenty close enough for me!
We had a wonderful day together, and then we went to the mall. 🙂 Doesn’t everyone after they’ve taken a walk back into time?
Saturday my daughter went out for a bit and returned with flowers … a dozen of the most beautiful white roses I’ve ever seen before! I can imagine these once tiny white buds slowly opening up into these fist sized roses to share all of their beauty with us. I placed them in a vase and then gave them a home right in the very center of our dinning room table to enjoy as we had our dinner together as a family.
We spent Saturday with me transferring 12k pictures from my computer onto an external hard drive for safe keeping, and then we were off to dinner at a local restaurant with my parents. Tomatoes and rice were calling my name! If you’re Southern, you’ll understand. If not, don’t ask.
Sunday morning I awoke to beautiful gifts from my darling daughter. As I mentioned earlier in this post, she took her graduation money and purchase gifts for me. She has a heart as big as Texas! Not wishing for her sister or step dad to feel bad for not having any gifts to give me themselves, my daughter shared the presents that she purchased for me with them so that everyone would have something to give me that morning on Mother’s Day. That was so incredibly sweet of her, and it truly touched my heart. Later, she and I had a conversation together where she shared that although it was from her and she had this overwhelming feeling to tell me that morning, she didn’t because she didn’t want to take away from her sister and step dad presenting me with the gifts. I told her that although she never said a word at that time, she didn’t have to because I KNEW … I knew who celebrated me. I knew who those gifts were from. Deep in my heart, I knew that my 18 year old daughter was the one that took it upon herself to recognize, celebrate and honor me on Mother’s Day. Yes, my day had come … someone recognized me due to their kind and thoughtful heart without me saying a word. No prodding, no comments, no subtle hints even. She did this all on her own. And my heart was overflowing with joy.
After that, I reminded my daughters that they said they would do anything I wanted for Mother’s Day weekend. Can you guess what I chose to do? TRAIL RIDING!!!
My 10 year old daughter goes trail riding with us every chance she gets. She loves it so much and enjoys being with her horse. My oldest daughter, however, isn’t as thrilled to get on the back of a horse these days. She will if I beg … but this day, Mother’s Day, all I had to do was smile sweetly as we loaded the horse trailer, packed a lunch, snacks, and drinks, and headed out on the trail. All four of us got to go together trail riding, which thrilled my heart completely! That was the greatest gift that money could never buy, the gift of having my family together – all of us – including our fur babies.
After a few hours of trail riding, we returned home where shortly thereafter my parents arrived to have dinner with us. We grilled out and had an enjoyable evening laughing, talking, and just enjoying each other’s company.
My mom was funny, though, as when she entered my house, she was talking. I was listening to her with the biggest smile on my face as she had walked right past the dinning room table where a bouquet of flowers sat on the table. Flowers we purchased for her on Mother’s Day. We also had a little crystal whatnot (or as she calls them, dust collectors) sitting right beside it that said, “Love You Forever.” I had to point at the flowers before she looked in that direction, and even then she had no idea that they were for HER … I had to tell her, and then she melted right there on the spot.
Ah, sweet moments like this will be engraved in my memory forever!
All in all, it was a perfect weekend spent with my family. I celebrated my mom, of course. But, my daughter celebrated ME!
My husband did take me shopping Friday at the mall, and I picked up some blouses … so that was his Mother’s Day gift to me, which I greatly appreciate. But, knowing that my daughter used her money that was given to her as a graduation gift to purchase my Mother’s Day … there is a twinge of guilt there, but I know that she sacrificed for me. My darling daughter thought of me … honored me … and celebrated ME.
That was a great feeling!
Just as I wrote on a Facebook status this weekend … Life is good … God is GREAT … I am blessed and so grateful to God above!
There will never be enough words to adequately express my heartfelt appreciation for what my daughter did for me this past weekend. She’s really special. I have known that for quite some time, but this … a completely selfless act, sacrificing for her mother … there are no words to tell you how that feels deep down in my soul.
If you are reading this and might have bombed this Mother’s Day on not recognizing the mother of your children or your own mother, take heart. There is always next year OR the next “special occasion.” BUT, why wait? You can create your very own special occasion … just pick a day that you’d like to do something for them out of the blue. You know what? It might mean MORE to them if you do something on a day that it isn’t “expected.” Whether you buy a gift, make one, take them out to dinner, or just sit and spent quality time with them … you will light up their entire world with your efforts.
Take time to show the people in your life that they matter.
Jim Brickman: Soothe Your World
We all feel stress. Many of us experience it on a daily basis. We know stress is bad. But do we really do anything about it or do we just live with? Jim Brickman, world renowned solo piano artist who has lived many years with a hectic stressful schedule, has compiled a wonderful collection of ideas and exercises to help everyone relieve the stress of daily life in an aptly named book: Soothe – How to Find Calm Amid Everyday Chaos.
Brickman brings together experts in various fields that share their insights into how each of us can soothe the stress in our lives. In a delightful narration, Brickman intertwines these ideas and exercises with his own personal experiences as he had worked to soothe the stress in his own life. The narrative is lively and entertaining with sections set aside throughout the book showcasing brief detailed descriptions of techniques and exercises we can use every day from his collection of experts.
As I read through the book, I could relate to so many of the things he touched upon which gave the book a more personal touch for me. I can relate to being a worrier. I can relate to getting stressed when I am late. I can relate to having my mind constantly working thinking about one thing or another; even to the point that it can affect my sleep. Some days it seems like all I am is a big ball of stress. Most of which I cause all by myself.
To accompany his book, Soothe – How to Find Calm Amid Everyday Chaos, Brickman has released a companion CD, Soothe – Music to quiet your mind & soothe your world, of beautiful stress relieving songs that incorporate the classic Brickman style arranged with peaceful sounds of nature. I have found the CD so captivating with the relaxing moods that emanate from each song that I have begun to use it during my daily meditation as well as playing it at my desk at work.
I highly recommend this book and CD for those of you that would like to try to soothe some of the stress and anxiety in your life. Brickman brings together an excellent variety of thought and examples that are easily integrated into your own schedule. Going through the book you might feel a bit overwhelmed at all the information. Don’t be. Start out slow and pick what you think will be easy for you to work into your day. You don’t have to do everything suggested in the book to see results.
Several of the techniques Brickman mentions in Soothe I have known about for some time. A couple of them I have already included in my daily schedule. Over the next several days, I would like to expand a bit on those things he writes about in Soothe – How to Find Calm Amid Everyday Chaos and give you some of my own experiences with trying to live a less stressful and more enjoyable life.
Start yourself on a new path in life with Soothe.
For more information on Jim Brickman and how to Soothe your life visit:
jimbrickman.com/SootheOverview.
#SootheYourWorld
