Light, Love, Hope

I was a bit shocked that I had gotten a response. My expectation was the opposite as this was a place, a community, that was designed for women. I was expecting to be considered an invader upon a sacred place and this would be a one-time visit for me. Again, I wondered why there wasn’t a topic concerning what I thought would be of interest to women. At least not until now, after I had asked why wasn’t there a topic on… Romance.

Maybe it was my obsession with reading history that led me to develop the ideals of chivalry and honour I tried to grasp. I devoured books while growing up. I spent countless hours reading of Knights and tournaments, Ivanhoe and King Arthur, but finally settling on my favorite style of tale, The Three Musketeers and Cyrano De Bergerac.

Now here I was, looking at the newly created Romance topic with a single post. Should I post something? Or should I just do my usual response and fade away. Instead, I decided to see what kind of person it was that responded to me. I casually scanned through the topics looking for posts of this someone. I was not disappointed. There she was, and there again. With each line read, there was something, something that I couldn’t describe. Something that was calling. Calling for me to follow and read more. As I glanced through her postings, I began to realize, there was something here that was special about her; something totally… fascinating.

When my marriage ended in divorce well over 20 years ago and my young daughter visited her dad on the weekends, I had way too much time on my hands.  I occupied myself by climbing on a blue lawn mower, which was more like a tank, and cutting six acres of grass Friday evening and into the majority of Saturday.  I placed the headphones over my ears and turned up the volume in an attempt to silence my deafening thoughts.  When the sun faded into the horizon I was forced to put the mower away and walk inside the empty house alone.

Friends were few and far between at that point.  They became distant when I needed them the most.  I’m sure it was a mixture of them not knowing what to say and others just not wanting to get involved.  Regardless of the reason they pulled away, I was alone every other weekend.  I found when most everyone looked forward to the weekends, I dreaded every other weekend when my daughter would be away.  I yearned for the days when our little white house in the country was filled with laughter and a whole lot of love.  It would be again come Sunday night when my beautiful blonde hair, blue-eyed girl with a smile that would light up the entire universe walked back into the door!  While I waited, I could either let the darkness outside and in my life consume me, or I could find another outlet.

One evening, desperate for companionship, I wandered into a forum I had seen advertised on a television network for women.  I didn’t know what to expect when I joined in on the conversation, but I was pleasantly surprised to find not only women but a few brave men among the group.  They were all so welcoming and supportive.  Serious topics were discussed in that forum, and these precious people soon became my closest friends.  One dear lady with a son around my daughter’s age said her son described us as her “friends in the box.”

Oh, I thank GOD for my friends in the box!

I still dreaded every other weekend when my daughter had to go, but when the sun went down, my broken and wounded soul found comfort with people I had never even laid eyes on.  I no longer had to feel alone for they were right there with me any time I logged in.

There is something unique about “meeting” people online.  Because they don’t walk beside you in your “real” everyday life, you find yourself more comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with them.  They confide in you as well, and the strongest bonds begin to form.  You feel as if you have finally found a connection with people who truly understand and care for you.  They become your tribe, your support system, and your friends for life!

It was a usual morning. I didn’t want to get out of bed. It would be so much easier just to roll over and block out all the things I had to do that day that I didn’t want to do. The thing is that you never know when a normal day will turn into something not so normal.

After the usual day at work, I felt burned out and didn’t want to do anything. I sat there just staring at my computer when a thought crossed my mind. A friend of mine had been talking up a place online where people would talk about all sorts of topics. I usually just ignored the comments but that night something just poked at the back of my head, Maybe I should check it out.

I found the site, created an account, and checked out the message board. There was such a variety of topics I didn’t know where to start. Then I noticed something. There was a topic missing that I thought should be there that in my mind was completely related to the subject matter of the message board.

Do I dare say something in a post about? I struggled with that for a while because my intention was just to read and never post anything. You see I am very shy and socially awkward. It was and is something I fight with constantly. For some reason, I felt compelled to say something.

I thought and thought how what to say. Then decided to keep it simple. A few simple words in a question, why wasn’t there a topic to discuss this? I just had to know. I watched the screen. Nothing. I watched a little more. Still nothing. That is par for the course, me getting ignored.

I went back to the main page listing the topics and wait. Could it be? Was I seeing things? The topic I asked about was there. I popped in to see who had written something and little did I know that single moment, that brief second would turn into something wonderful.

#write28days