Dear Grief
Dear Grief,
I came to know you and despise you all at the same time 13 years ago. You slammed into me and my family on a hot July day stripping away every ounce of happiness and hope that we had for the future. When we should have been happy celebrating the birth of a new baby, you came like a thief in the night and stole our joy while leaving huge holes in our hearts. You snatched our hearts from our chests the day my sister died, leaving behind her two week old baby, and on many “special” occasions since that time as my sister is not here with us to “celebrate.” Instead, we feel you body slam us to the ground at these special times of the year.
Like now.
It’s Christmastime.
In just a few short days, Christmas will be here bringing all the laughter, joy, and cheer, and yet here we sit reminded of you and all you have taken from us.
A few short days ago, we mourned, cried, whaled, and held our heads in our hands on what should have been a happy occasion; my sister’s 46th birthday. Yet, there was no big celebration at all and none of us felt happy. We were consumed with you as you wreaked havoc on us all once more.
Oh how we wish to be free from you. How we wish we would have never come to know you.
And yet, you’re here. Sitting among us at the dinner table with our heads bowed, silence filling the room, as no one dare speaks my sister’s name as surely a flood of tears would flow down our faces like a torrential downpour if we did.
You assault us at this time of year especially.
My poor mother was so overcome with emotion yesterday, yet she can’t speak of my sister to my father who holds tight to you. He hurts and deals with you alone as you have rendered him speechless when you come around. My dear mother cried due to you yesterday to my daughter. My teenage daughter felt trapped in the room with her grandmother and YOU.
How dare you! How DARE you do this to my mother, to my father, to ME, to my children … how dare you!
What are we to do when you’ve stolen so much from our lives?
How are we supposed to go on when you keep coming around threatening to cripple us emotionally once more?
When will we ever be free of you?
Dear Grief. I hate you with a passion. I hate what you’ve done to our family. What you’ve taken from us – our hopes and dreams of the future. How you’ve torn this family apart from the inside out. I hate how we bleed internally as our hearts are shredded, and there is no help or hope for us to be free of you.
And so I pray.
I pray for peace that will not come for long. I pray for comfort for my parents and their hearts that have been ripped from their chests. I pray … that is all I know to do … as I hug them tightly and whisper, “I love you.”
Me, the surviving daughter.
The one without my sister.
The one that forces a smile when I feel as if I’m dying inside.
You will not steal my joy forever. For when I feel as if I cannot go on, I don’t have to do this alone … for God is with me. He swoops in when you threaten to take us all the way down into the pit of depression and despair, and He wraps His loving arms around us. He draws us near to Him and comforts the brokenhearted. He provides the light in the darkness for HE is the light.
Oh, The Light of The World has come to save us once more.
He dries our tears and allows us to rest our weary heads upon His shoulders. He holds us for a little while until we are able to stand without the need of being carried, but He does not go too far away. He is there ready and willing to catch us before we fall again when you threaten us once more.
You will not win, Grief.
For you see, we will be reunited with my sister once more and all of the loved ones that have gone on before us. While you try to cripple us on this earth, there will be NO tears in Heaven. None.
You will not exist in Heaven, Grief. You will finally die, but no one will mourn for you.
We will walk the streets of gold with my sister, together at last. We will be filled with so much joy as we walk hand in hand with Jesus.
Oh happy day, when Jesus comes …
Then we will wave goodbye to you.
Goodbye, Grief. You will not be missed!
Horse Therapy
Yesterday, I told of how we rode our horses in the parades this past weekend. Since the horses did so well with the crowd of people, all of the noise, and the traffic on the roads, we thought we would take them to the beach for a nice ride this past Sunday.
Our horses have never been to the beach before, so this was going to be a new experience for them and for us, too. While we have ridden horses on the beach before, we have never ridden our horses so it makes a difference! We would always go horseback riding on vacation, and the first and only time we had ridden on the beach was two years ago when we went to Myrtle Beach. It was a nice experience, and we had a really good time. We took lots of pictures on the beach, but there is just something about taking your own horse to the beach!
The excitement was building as we made our way a little over two hours from our home to the beach. In our area, you can ride on the beach from December 1st through February 1st. You have to obtain a permit at the park, but you can go back as many times as you’d like during that time frame with that one permit.
My husband is a bit nervous when it comes to new experiences with our horses. I had full faith and confidence in them, though.
We arrived at the beach and began tacking up our horses for the ride. My horse, Sugar, has proven that she is the type of horse that will go any where and do any thing. She is a really calm and laid back type of horse. She prefers to walk slowly, but she can get on it if you ask her to do so. I prefer long, leisurely strolls, too, so we are a perfect fit together. On occasion, though, I do like to feel the wind in my face with my hair flying behind me as we gallop and play.
When we first stepped onto the beach, the horses started looking around like they really were not sure what this white stuff was (sand) or why the water was coming at their hooves. They extended their long necks out even further and looked around. The seagulls were flying overhead singing their little tune, and they would land by the water’s edge looking out at the water.
My husband had to walk his horse for a while to get her used to the beach, but I managed to stay on my horse the entire time from start to finish. This little girl really likes the sense of adventure, too!
We encountered several people along the beach yesterday, and they would stop to speak to us and ask to pet our horses. The most memorable for me was the couple that approached me asking if their autistic son could pet my horse, Sugar. I did not hesitant one bit as I said, “Absolutely!”
She called her son over and told him to pet the horse. She told me that she felt he needed this because horses soothe him.
He walked slowly over to the horse and raised his hand at first as if he might swat at her. I was a tad nervous at this point as I did not want him to hurt my horse, but I had positioned my hand on the reins so that if he did go to swat, I could turn her head away hopefully in time before he made contact. Thankfully, though, that was not even an issue as he raised his hand but slowly allowed it to rest on Sugar’s nose. He smiled and made a sound to let us know that he was filled with delight as he continued to pet Sugar with slow, steady movements of his hand. I smiled as I watched the exchange between them. It really was a sweet moment and one that will live on in my memory for all times. The mother thanked me as she and her son turned to walk away.
I have heard of several places that offer horse therapy because it is good for children with disabilities to be able to be near and with the horses. I never knew that beach trip would allow a form of healing to take place that day, but God knew. Before we ever set out on our trip, God knew that these precious people would be walking that very same beach that day. I believe he orchestrated this event knowing that this little boy needed some healing that Sugar may offer or some calm for his soul that she may be able to provide like no other could that day. I believe that we were meant to come into contact with them that day for him to be soothed by my beloved horse.
The beach is always a soothing and calming place for me, but it was even more so yesterday when I was riding on the beach with my best friend and partner; my horse, Sugar.
My husband did get to ride his horse, Debbie, after she got used to the sights and sounds of the beach. She spooked one time and actually jumped at her own shadow on the ground. It was funny watching her do that, but I’m sure it wasn’t funny for my husband as it was happening. Sugar was a trooper the entire time and even allowed me to ride her closer to the water’s edge.
We encountered another couple at the end of our trip as we approached the lighthouse. They had their phones out and were taking pictures and snapped a few of us on our horses. I took that opportunity to ask if they would take some pictures of us with our phones and camera, too. All day we were snapping pictures of each other but never had an opportunity for a picture together, until now! The couple was more than happy to do this for us, and they began snapping away. We were so appreciative of them and made sure to thank them several times for this gift that they gave to us that day. They even remarked that the pictures were so good that they were Christmas card worthy.
The sun was starting to set, so we decided to make our way back to our horse trailer to load up and head back home. We had a fabulous day together under the vast sky soaking in the beauty of the ocean before us, watching the seagulls playing on the beach, and enjoying being one with nature and God above.
If you find yourself consumed with different things in life that might be weighing you down, find some time to slip away to a beach near you. If you don’t have a beach within driving distance, a pond, lake or any body of water will work as it is soothing just being near the water. If that isn’t your thing, then slip off to the quiet stillness of the woods. There’s nothing better than strolling through nature sorting through your thoughts or just deciding not to think on anything that day but, instead, to thank God for all of His many blessings in life as you enjoy His creations.
Life is good. It truly is! And it’s even better on the back of a horse!
Horse Christmas Adventures
This past weekend was full of experiences for us as a family, as well as our horses.
We just became a horse family in March of 2014. There has been this longing in our hearts for horses all of these years, but for some reason, we had this idea in our heads that it was way too expensive to own horses. All of this time, we pushed our desire to be horse owners to the back of our minds and focused on other things. That longing never went away, though. Finally, this year we decided to look into it a bit more, and we are so glad that we did. Not only did we find that horses truly aren’t that expensive, we have come to realize that no matter the expense, you would gladly do for these horses that bring so much joy and happiness into your lives.
We truly had no idea just how much horses heal.
Sure, we knew that we loved horses and enjoyed watching them as they moved in such a fascinating manner displaying grace and power at the same time. Little did we know how these massive creatures would make their way deep into our hearts where they now reside. They aren’t just an “expensive hobby” as I’ve heard some uneducated people refer to them. These gentle giants are a form of therapy!
We embarked on two journeys that were definitely out of our comfort zone this past weekend. One was having the horses lined up in the Christmas parades in different towns. Our entire family was delighted when we received the invitation to ride in the parades. It would have been easy to allow fear to hold us back. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what “might” happen. You know, that all familiar “what if” syndrome that we all suffer from on different occasions. Still, we decided not to cave into our fears and not to allow our fears to control us. Instead, we forged ahead and dedicated Saturday as our parade day.
The morning began with getting up bright and early to round the horses up and get ready for the 10 a.m. parade. We had to get up at 6 a.m. to get everything packed, horses loaded, etc. Then we were on our way to wait in the line up an hour before the parade was to start. There were horses all over the place at the first parade, and I’ll admit to feeling a little intimidated at first due to the size of some of those horses. Then there were horses that really shouldn’t have been out there as they certainly didn’t appear to be tame enough to behave in a parade setting. Still, the owners must have had more confidence than we all did as they had them ready to line up, too. Needless to say, we let them go ahead of us so we could bring up the rear in the parade. We had no problem whatsoever in being last. Hey, in our minds, they saved the best for last! Can you tell that we are extremely proud of our horses?
Just as we felt a twinge of intimidation at the other horses initially, it is easy for us humans to feel intimidated by others. Our horses may feel a bit insecure as well next to other massive creatures, or they can fit right in. It all depends on the personality of the horses, just as it does on the personalities of humans. However, take a shy horse and a rider that once felt insecure themselves and pair them together, and watch what happens! They bond together and make a great partnership. They know that they depend on each other and their confidence also bounces off of each other. When the shy horse appears unsure, the insecure rider has to push that insecurity aside and take charge, holding her head up high and shoulders back with such confidence, even if she is faking it until she makes it at first. Pretty soon, both horse and rider begin to heal each other. The horse is no longer shy and timid in situations but forges ahead with such grace and confidence in each stride with their partner on their back. Horse and rider become one, and it is beauty in motion.
We ended up having the best time in the parade! My ten year old daughter was on her pinto pony in front of me with my husband walking alongside her just in case anything were to happen.
My 17 year old daughter was walking beside me with a bag of candy that she was tossing out to children that lined the streets. I was sitting proudly on my horse, Sugar. My husband joked that it wasn’t a beauty pageant or anything, it was a parade. While that is true, I was allowing my Sugar girl to strut her stuff as I sat perched on her proudly waving and saying, “Merry Christmas” to the little children. Oh it did my heart so much good when their little faces would light up because someone acknowledged them. More people should acknowledge the little children and make them feel special, because they are!
One particular thing that stood out in my mind from that first parade is the fact that among those lining the street were children with Down Syndrome. They all gathered with the sweetest little faces, smiling as big as could be as they looked at us as we started to make our way by them. My 17 year old daughter walked over and handed them a bunch of candy, and my heart melted right there seeing her being so sweet, kind, loving, and gentle to these children. She told me later that while she was instructed to toss the candy at the people lining the streets, she could not bring herself to toss candy at the children with Down Syndrome. I told her she did the right thing by taking it to them and placing it in their hands, looking them in the eyes and smiling softly to them. I know that she made a difference in their lives that day, even in that brief moment in time. She touched their hearts, and she touched mine in watching this exchange between them.
The horses that we once feared wouldn’t do that great in the parade actually surprised us all. They were amazing as we made our way back through the crowded streets, this time unescorted by the police. Not only were we unescorted, but the police did not even help us across the streets with our horses. We were on our own at this point. I’ll admit that I did feel a little anxiety rising up in my chest at the thought of crossing that busy intersection on horseback, but we had to get back to our trailer so this was the only way. My 17 year old daughter decided she wanted to ride back so I got off of Sugar and let her get on while I walked alongside her this time. I lead the way through the busy streets, doing hand signals when we were ready to turn, and then the moment came when we were approaching the busiest intersection of all. Fear could have consumed me and crippled me at that point, but what good would that have done? We would have been stuck in that congested area with frightened horses, then, as they feel exactly what we are feeling. Instead, I held my head up high and took up my lane as if I owned it. I stood right in the middle of the lane right next to other cars that were turning when we were wishing to go straight as soon as the light turned green. And we walked across that busy intersection “like a boss,” as my daughter would say! The traffic did not even phase the horses one little bit. You know why? Because the rider and handler were calm and undisturbed by the chaos, traffic, and congestion of that busy intersection. Because we were confident, our horses were, too, and they did wonderfully that morning!
We went on to our second parade where we lined up an hour before the 3 p.m. parade was to start. This was my favorite of the two that day. We were positioned behind Santa once again, which was fine as we were bringing up the rear in this parade, too. The ROTC and the marching bands were in front of Santa, and we got to hear the beautiful music being played. When once nervous about this, our horses were outstanding once again as the music from the band never spooked them. They remained calm, just as we were, and I think they enjoyed the parade as much as we did!
There were children lining the streets for this parade, too. Sugar wore a Santa hat in this parade, though, with me wearing a cowboy hat to match my husband and daughter. The Santa hat on Sugar was a big hit with the children. I smiled all the way down to my toes when I would see their little hands cover their mouths as they pointed, giggled and talked about Santa Horse. People were snapping pictures as we waved and said, “Merry Christmas.”
All in all, it was a wonderful experience venturing out on these horse Christmas adventures with my family this past weekend! There’s nothing better to get you in the Christmas spirit!
