Things That Ruin A Marriage
In October, we focused our entire 31 days on marriage tips to help build intimacy and a closer connection with your spouse.
Now I’d like to break down a few things that have the potential to ruin a marriage:
*Insecurities – If your spouse suffers from low self esteem, they will have plenty of insecurities. Which will lead us directly into the second item that I’d like to discuss which is …
*Jealousy – If the green eyed monster rears his ugly little head in your marriage or in your relationships, do your best to put him in his place! Show him the door! While a little bit of jealousy is a good thing because it shows that you do care about your spouse and want them to be yours and yours alone, too much jealousy can ruin a marriage! If you become possessive and are easily angered, squash the green eyed monster as fast as you can!
*Lack of Communication – If you can’t wait to call up your friend and tell them everything that is going on within your marriage yet you fail to talk that openly with your spouse, there is a huge problem! If you stone-wall and close your partner out of your heart and will not talk things out with them, nothing will ever be resolved! Don’t shut them out! Instead, take it to God first … pray about it … and then, take it to your spouse! While I’m sure your friends mean well and will offer support, the one you need to be speaking to about all of the problems in your marriage is not your friend but your spouse!
*Trust – If trust has been broken in your marriage, you will have a long road ahead of you. It takes a LOT of time to rebuild and regain trust once it has been lost. Do not lie or keep secrets from your spouse. Also, omitting details is deceitful and a form of betrayal. Be very careful here!
*Assumptions – This is where the lack of communication gets things all out of whack! If you aren’t talking to your spouse, it leaves you with nothing but your thoughts that have gone wild thinking the absolute worst! That is when the devil loves to place doubt and whisper lies in your ear. Pretty soon, you’re making assumptions, then you’re accusing, and no good will ever come of this!
*Pornography – Guard your eyes, your mind, and your heart. If you focus your attention and affections on your spouse, you wouldn’t have time nor the desire to look at such trash! “Be careful little eyes what you see …” It’s not just a cute little song, it’s the truth! You should only long for and desire your spouse! If you are lusting after any one else, you are sinning in your heart and mind against your spouse and against GOD! “Give us clean hands … give us pure hearts, oh Lord!” Again, not just a song, a plea we all need to make and then ensure that we guard what we look at … ask yourself if it’s honoring your spouse. Better yet, think of how you’d feel if your spouse were viewing such things in private while withholding their affections and intimacy from you! You wouldn’t like it one little bit, now would you?
*Flirting – This is where a lot of people don’t have a clear understanding of what flirting truly is. There’s plenty that fall into this category. However, just to be clear … if you stare or look more than a glance at someone, that can be viewed as flirting. If you touch someone playfully on the arm, that can be viewed as flirting. If you laugh and give all of your attention to someone other than your spouse, be careful because you’re on a slippery slope … and this is most definitely flirting!
*Not Having Clear Personal Boundaries – Now this is where we really need to focus! If you have clear personal boundaries, the above will NOT be an issue. You won’t be tempted to go to lunch with a coworker of the opposite sex … alone … to just talk … or laugh … or have a drink after work. This is when you need clear personal boundaries so you aren’t putting your arms around people you don’t know to have your picture taken at their request if you’re out in a group setting or not. If your spouse is within reach, insist that they are in the picture, too! Or simply say no and walk away if they aren’t … because you know in this day and age that your picture will show up on someone’s newsfeed on Facebook. How would your spouse feel if they stumbled upon your picture with another woman or another man? Innocent or not … do not give the appearance of evil.
The above are just a few things that ruin a marriage. What can you do? I’m glad you asked!
*The golden rule truly does still apply:
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
A lot of times people simply cannot see themselves until you mirror their actions and behaviors back to them. Then and only then will they have an “Ah ha moment” and begin to see the light and the error of their ways. Some times this is necessary to make them see themselves. I did just that recently, and it sent a very clear message to my spouse and opened his eyes.
*Focus on your spouse. If you’re tempted to look at someone else, turn to your spouse and focus on them, instead. If you’re tempted to think bad thoughts or lustful thoughts of another, turn your thoughts to those of your spouse and all the things you love and enjoy about them. Truth be told, if you were 100% committed to your spouse, this would NOT even be an issue!
*Keep the lines of communication open. Talk, talk, talk … and talk some more!! Do not share anything of an emotional nature exclusively with your friends or coworkers of the opposite sex. Go to your spouse with all things, especially things on an emotional level!
*Do not put yourself into a situation where you will be tempted! If you find yourself there, quickly make your way to the nearest exit! It IS possible to resist temptation! Even Jesus was tempted in the bible, yet He did not give in! Ask yourself what Jesus would do … and ask yourself how your spouse would feel if they found out or consider how YOU would feel if your spouse was doing the same thing you’re considering doing or are currently doing! Ouch! If it would hurt you if your spouse was doing it, you KNOW what you’re doing without a doubt would most certainly hurt your spouse!
Think on that!
We want all marriages to thrive! God ordained your marriage. He put you two together. You committed yourself willingly “til death do us part.” Don’t take that lightly. Be intentional about your marriage! Focus on each other, and there won’t be time for any other to try to weasel their way into your lives!
***Most importantly*** Turn your eyes upon Jesus … get your heart right with God first … your spouse second, and your marriage will be successful.
All You Had To Do Was Stay
There is a new CD out by Taylor Swift that we just purchased entitled 1989. This was a good year for me, as it was the year that I graduated from high school. I was a small town girl with big hopes and dreams going out into the cruel world. And it has been just that … cruel. My daughter is coming up on her 18th birthday, and pretty soon she, too, will be graduating from high school going out into the cruel world. The thought of it makes me sad … sad because she has grown up way too fast but also sad in that she will know too soon the sorrow and pain that come with growing up and leaving the nest. Whether it’s off to college or off to work, or a mixture of both, I know that I can no longer shelter her or protect her as I have tried so hard to do up to this point.
On Taylor’s new CD is a song called All You Had To Do Was Stay. It talks of a love gone wrong where the man said, “Goodbye.” Taylor reminds him in the lyrics of her song, “This is what you wanted …” and says repeatedly, “All you had to do was … stay.”
Why is it so hard to do just that? I’m not referring to my daughter going off to college or out into the work force – she has a bright future ahead of her, and I want her to spread her wings to fly! She has her whole life ahead of her, and I am very excited to see where her path will take her. I am speaking more of “love” … “romance” … all of that jazz. Why is it so hard for people to commit to each other in this day and age and STAY together? Why is the answer to always … leave? It also happens with friendships as well.
I have had my fair share of heartaches and pain in this life. I have had people come into my life and leave again. I have had people threaten to leave. I have had people pack their bags and head out the door. In the past, I have asked them to come back … I have even asked them not to leave when they went to attempt to leave once more after they had returned twice already. Now when the threat looms of someone abandoning me, I just simply say, “Oh … you’re leaving again …” and continue what I’m doing. Why get upset? If someone wants to leave me, LET THEM! There’s the door, sweetheart! Whether it’s my husband who has been struggling with his own demons after uncovering his secret life and addiction, or whether it’s friends that no longer wish to be around … go! There’s the door. I wish you all well on your path in life, even if I’m not a part of it.
This is me saying that I will no longer beg any one to stay in my life. Period. If you want to be a part of it, then stop doing things that strip away my sense of security, stability, and safety and that of my children. I don’t care who you are, threatening to leave or leaving is abandoning us … it is abandonment, plain and simple.
So go … once and for all … GO, if that is your wish!
Just remember … this is what you wanted … when all you had to do was … stay.
What gets me is that they, then, want to turn it around on you … YOU are now the bad guy. Why? Because you no longer crumble at the thought of them not being a part of your life. You have come to the realization that they truly don’t wish to be a part of your present or future, so you’ve accepted it and are waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Go ahead.
Lay it on me.
I’m ready.
BRING IT!
Can you deal with the consequences of your actions? You have taken a loyal and dedicated person who would have done anything for you and through your actions and the way you’ve mistreated them, they just don’t give a good gosh darn any more.
Are you proud of yourself?
Think before you speak of leaving … think before you reach for your bag and walk out the door just because you’re angry at the moment. Your anger and addictions are destroying our family.
Think before you take your friendship and go home. Especially at a time when you KNOW we need you the most.
This is not a revolving door … not to my house … not to my heart … and not to my children’s hearts either.
Stay and be a better husband, friend, whatever role you have in our lives … or leave and watch us thrive … because we will. With or without you. We will.
All Things Fall
As the cold winds blow through here in the South, we reflect on all things Fall.
From haunted houses to little ghosts and goblins that were wandering around neighborhoods Friday night, to hayrides, pumpkin patches and pumpkin carvings, to corn mazes and even SNOW … yep, that’s right! We had SNOW Saturday morning on the very first day of November. We could hardly believe it, but a cold front moved in on Friday night and come Saturday morning there was a mixture of rain and snow. The temperatures weren’t such where it would stick, but it was enough to get the little kiddos excited, wide eyed, and bouncing around in amazement as the pretty white stuff floated effortlessly to the ground where it quickly disappeared at our house.
Halloween 2014 Zombies, Pirates, & Elvis … oh my!
Fall is such a beautiful time of year. People flock to the mountains in our area to catch the leaves changing to soak in the array of colors that decorate the mountains and forests. It is just breathtakingly beautiful. I especially enjoy the burgundy colors of the leaves. Those are my favorites. I was able to capture the first signs of Fall on the back of my horse as we rode through the forest on a trail recently.
Burgundy, my favorite of all!
It is a great feeling to just take a deep breath in and allow the coolness in the air to coat your lungs, revitalizing and energizing you, if you let it.
As the trees shed their leaves, what things in your life can you let go of? As the seasons change, do you need to make a change within your heart and your life? Now is as good of time as any.
Consider how you’ve been feeling this year. Have you felt broken and beat down like so many have? Do you feel weary and just plain physically and emotionally drained? Friend, I’m here to tell you, there’s more to life than misery! God wants you to be happy. Things happen in our lives that threaten to steal every bit of joy in our hearts and lives. I know this firsthand that if a person in your life is not happy, if they are absolutely miserable with themselves, they will try to bring you down right along with them. It is completely true that misery loves company. Hold on a little longer, a little tighter, and on your darkest days know that God is right there with you.
As the leaves begin to fall … have you thought about where the path you’re on is leading you? Will you continue doing the same things over and over again hoping for a different result? Or will you make a decision today to just stop the madness? You can make a change in your life. Ask God to come alongside of you. Better yet, ask God to take the lead.
