What does FEAR stand for?
Consider this: what does FEAR stand for? False Evidence Appearing Real
I recently took a plane flight. I love flying! Looking down at the earth below has always been an exciting experience for me. What is not so exciting is checking in, navigating the airport and crowds, all the noise. There is much going on in an airport and for anyone it could lead to sensory overload! It does for me. As is my fashion, I make pre-arrangements to protect myself from what I know will be a difficult period for me to pass but it is momentary and I do try to keep that in mind most of all. What I do remember is that this anxiety I experience is really just a brief touch of fear and that I will endure, I will enjoy the ride, I will survive the crowds, the noise, the strangers. The FEAR.
I learned early in therapy that one of the hallmarks of a victim is their belief in FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real. When I heard that acronym used the first time it hit home for me; I let what I believe will overwhelm me, overwhelm me before I even enter a situation! All because my mind is telling me that crowds are pushy and don’t pay attention and aren’t very nice with which to deal. I believe that all the distractions around me will get to me; the noise from this establishments, people conversing on their phones, the beeps and technological noise of today’s world, and sadly, an unrealistic fear that I for some reason won’t make it through TSA – that I’ve done something wrong when logically I know I have done nothing wrong and there is no reason for anyone to take notice of me. Yes, ridiculous, but only when applied to this situation.
Fear can be stifling only because it leads us to be afraid of something we have not yet, often, experienced. My job today is to figure out how – if I no longer care to live in the negativity that is fear – do I escape the false evidence appearing real?
For me, the only escape from fear is to live in the reality of today, accepting life on life’s terms and moving forward despite – in spite of? – the fear I may hold. I do not have to let the fear control me. I need to accept that it is there but I do not need to live in it. Living in reality means doing that which is necessary to “survive” the airport experience so that I can fully enjoy the “vacation” experience!
Truth be told, the biggest fear I lived with was that people would not accept me, would think less of me, if they knew of my bipolar or brain tumor. There are stereotypes attached to those labels that I try my best to live outside of each day! I can honestly testify that having recently begun the process of no longer denying my disabilities, the “false evidence” of what I feared would happen when others found out has proven to be the exact opposite of what I’d dreamed up in mind own mind. I have found loving acceptance and not the bum-rush to the door to get away as fast as anyone could from me! Grateful doesn’t begin to express the feeling of freedom and joy this knowledge gives me.
The thing I find most sad about fear is that fear in itself can disable. It can grab ahold of a heart and clench it so tight that a person is unable to move forward to escape the fear. It can prevent someone from fully living their life. Something as simple as an airport and the brief time one spends in an airport could have prevented me from enjoying a beautiful wedding but more importantly, spending time with my new family and having a great time doing so! The thought that I could have allowed my fear to rule and deny me a wonderful experience drives me to continue to place one foot in front of the other so that I do not stifle, so that fear does not make the decisions. I do.
Have you had a time of fear in your life? Can you remember a time when you allowed false evidence to appear real for you? What did you do to overcome it? How did you step away from the fear and continue moving forward? We all have our stories, it’s when we share them that they lose their power over us.
We Care Wednesday: Show Sincere Interest
Last week I talked a little about how we all feel the need to know that we are important to someone. It gives us a wonderful feeling that we matter in this huge world we live in. One way to make a person feel good is to show sincere interest in something they love. I will relate an experience I had with this over the past weekend.
I went on a wonderful four day weekend event called the Brickman Bash. This is an event put on by musician Jim Brickman where his fans get together for a weekend of events, concerts and some time spent getting to know Jim himself. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am a shy quiet person. I go on these events by myself so I sort of keep to myself. During dinner on Saturday night the tables were setup in eight foot lengths so ten to twelve people could sit at a table. As I was looking around for a corner table to sit at with a lost look on my face when a woman asked me to join their table.
I was right in the middle between two groups having different conversations. I started thinking of some of the things I have recently read in Dale Carnegie’s book. So I thought I might try some of his suggestions for “making friends.”
The woman sitting next to me started showing some photos she had taken of wildlife in their area. The photos were truly amazing. So I complimented her on her photography skills which led her to start pulling up picture after picture. Now to be honest, wild life photography is not my thing, but her photos were quite good and very professional. I kept complimenting her on them and making suggestions for her on places she might be able to sell them as graphic artists are always looking for good photos to use in their works. She was having a wonderful time showing me the photos. I could see that my interest in her photos truly gave her pleasure. It was a wonderful feeling to see her so passionate about her photography.
You can make an impact on anyone you meet by showing interest in them; especially those in your family. Take a little of your time and spend it with them encouraging them in whatever they like to do. It will make more of a difference to them than you can ever imagine.
Accepting A Compliment
Do you have trouble accepting a compliment? Do you say, “Thank you” as you blush and turn away? Or, do you toss your hair over your shoulder as you strut your stuff as if to say, “Tell me something I don’t know!”? OR … are you simply unable to accept a genuine compliment, and therefore, when you receive one, you respond with something like this exchange: “You’re so pretty!” “Aww, thank you, but I wish I could lose some weight” … or …”I wish my skin was clearer?” or any other response that would take away from the compliment that was given?
If you’re uncomfortable with compliments, ask yourself why this is. Do a little soul searching, if you must, to dig deep down to uncover what the root cause is exactly.
For me, I was told for too many years growing up that I had “buck teeth.” I was also picked on a great deal because I was the shortest person in the class. I was always petite, too, and thus, I was more prone to bullying due to my size.
Later in life, I was in a relationship with someone that abused me every chance they got. Abuse does not necessarily have to come in the form of physical abuse with strikes to your physical being for the strikes to you mentally and emotionally hurt some times greater and for an extended period of time. Unlike physical abuse where the bruises fade and wounds heal, the scars of emotional abuse linger for years and years after those harsh words were spoken.
In my adult life, at the hands of an abuser, I was told that I was fat, ugly, a b____ from h___ and that no one would ever want me if they left me. Now, when they first started saying these things to me, I could not understand why they were being so mean to me. I would look in the mirror and say that although I knew I didn’t have the figure of a super model, I certainly wasn’t fat. I knew that I wasn’t the most prettiest woman in the world, but I knew I wasn’t the ugliest either. I knew that at certain times of the month we all can turn into the wicked witch (thank you PMS!), but I most certainly was NOT a b___ from h___. The last thing that they would say to me repeatedly really left me wondering what was so wrong with me that this person would say all of these mean and hateful things, but then to say that no one would ever want me? As if I was lucky that THEY wanted me … and that I should be thankful that they hadn’t yet kicked me to the curb. It was as if they thought they were God’s gift to me, and I should worship the ground they walked on simply because they took me in when no one would or could possibly EVER want me.
Ummmmm … no!
For way too many years than I want to admit, I did buy into these lies. When you hear something long enough, no matter how sure of yourself you can try to be, the abuser chips away at your self esteem and your self worth. Slowly but surely more of your insecurities will start to creep in, and before you know it, you’re standing in front of the mirror analyzing every little thing about yourself and finding fault with yourself!
WHY do we DO this to ourselves?!
In a world where so many people are waiting to tear us down every single chance they get, the ONE person that should love us is OURSELVES! Are we perfect? No, we all have flaws. Do we deserve to be torn down? Absolutely NOT!
For abusers, I can only imagine that they do not have a good or high opinion of themselves if they look to tear other people down. Do they think it makes them bigger and badder or more appealing when they tear at another person’s self esteem? Do they think it makes them “the man” or “the woman” because they say such mean and hateful things to others? They certainly are not in my book!
All of these things and more can lead a person to not graciously accept a compliment when one is offered. I know I have friends that have recognized this with me through the years, and they know what I’ve been through. They have tried everything to help build me up when the abuser took great pride in tearing me down. As years have passed, I have come to realize that there wasn’t anything wrong with me all of those times that this person launched their assaults on me. There was something deeply wrong going on inside of them that caused them to lash out as they did. I can only pray for them and that they find peace within for the demons that torment them.
I have realized that the only person that I truly need acceptance from is God, and I already have His approval. Does it feel good when someone acknowledges that I got my hair done or that my nails are freshly manicured and look nice with the color that I’ve chosen? Yes, it does! Does it feel good when someone compliments my blue eyes saying that they are beautiful and that they get swept up in these deep pools of blue? Yes, I appreciate that they recognize the assets that God has given to me, and I do consider my eyes to be one of my greatest assets … but I recognize also that my beauty or any one’s true beauty does not come from the outside … it comes from inside. That is where it truly matters.
These days I still remember what the abuser used to say to me, but those words no longer have the power over me that they did at one point. Praise God for that! I have been able to see the hurt that this person carried around inside of them, and I have been able to pray for them. I have also been able to forgive them for what all they did to me. It has taken time, but today I am free from the grip that these words once had on me. Those words no longer rip my heart out when they are spoken because I know who I am. I am a child of God, and I am not only greatly approved but deeply loved by Him.
When someone compliments me now, I do tend to blush, but I will say a gracious, “Thank you” as I smile. And it is a thank you straight from my heart with much appreciation and grace.
