When You Are Too Nice
I never thought it was possible to be “too nice” … until now.
I’m the girl that gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. I try to find the good in every body, and I give chance after chance after chance for a person to do the right thing and show me respect in return. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for someone to be nice to me just as I am nice to them, but the thing I’m learning is that not everyone plays by these rules. Instead, they seem to prey on nice people. When you are “too nice,” people view this as a weakness instead of one of the greatest strengths! It seems that the nicer you are, the more people want to take advantage of you.
I have been in numerous situations throughout my life where I give so much of myself, and instead of appreciating me, they use my niceness against me. They begin to push me to give more of myself and more to them. Pretty soon, they are trying to push me around. I am at fault because I allow it to a certain degree before I’ll finally get enough and put a stop to it.
I’ve worked with employers and supervisors that started out fine, but they soon realized that the more they asked of me, the more I’d willingly give. Then, instead of appreciating that I was a hard worker, they put more pressure on me and started asking things of me that they were not asking of other employees. I knew I was being paid to do a job, but resentment started building when I was carrying the workload of three people while slackers in the office bragged about how lazy they were to anyone that would listen. It seemed that the more efficient I was, the more work they threw at me. I didn’t get a “thank you” for a job well done, all I received was more work piled on me while the slackers continued to do what they do best; slack off. I worked there for many years, and finally I left because I was clearly being taken advantage of. You know what’s funny? When I left, they hired two more people to do the job that I was doing, so I was not exaggerating when I said I was doing the work of three people.
Recently, I had a situation where I was paying someone for a service. It started out great, but as time went by, this person started disrespecting me in the way that they would speak to me. It wasn’t the same type of situation as above, as I was not piling any work on them. They were willingly doing this service for my family, and they set their own schedule and their own price. I was as easy going as I could be, but apparently, I was “too nice” to the point that they thought they could disrespect me, talk down to me, etc. because that is what they started doing. It wasn’t a one time thing, either. It was something that happened every single time we had any interaction, whether it was in person or through text messages or private messages. It seemed that this person really thought they were the authority figure on everything (also known as a “know it all”). They came across in such a way that they really were talking down to me every chance they got. It is hard for me to understand why someone would do that to another. I could see if I went up against this person constantly, but I did not. If this person said they needed for us to get supplies, we went right away to get them. If the person said it would be best to do it this way, we did it that way. We were as cooperative as we could possibly be and listened to them as they were the expert in this field, and we, merely beginners. However, just because we were beginners did not mean that we did not deserve respect. We did, and we do. I felt this person lacked respect for me, though, and it was obvious in the way that they spoke to me as they did not speak to my husband this way. He was not able to be present for all of our exchanges, though, and so the disrespect continued to increase because they knew they were primarily dealing with me.
When this first started happening, I tried to reason it away in my mind. Maybe this person didn’t realize how they were coming across, or maybe they didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Then it happened again. Each time it happened, though, it was more obvious to me that they did intend every bit of the way it came across and how it sounded. They intended to let me know that they were the authority and they were in charge. The thing is, I was paying them, and the services were at my house. So, this person was on MY property disrespecting ME, and I was paying them to do so!
Yea, that did NOT sit well with me at all.
I thought things would get better if we just stopped texting and sending private messages, as you cannot tell a person’s true tone with words on a computer screen although they seemed argumentative in every single one of their messages to me. However, it was not any better when I’d speak to them in person.
This is where I struggle because we’re taught as Christians to turn the other cheek. We’re taught to rise above and treat people the way we would want to be treated. We’re taught to forgive, but in doing so, are you to continue to put yourself in the line of fire? Here is the problem I am having. If someone continues to do this to you, if every interaction with them is laced with disrespect toward you, or if someone is bullying you, are you to continue to accept this treatment? I do not think that God intends for us to continue in the line of fire all because we’re Christians and ultimately, “too nice” to the point that people take advantage of us. Yes, I can turn the other cheek … but exactly how many times must I turn it for them to slap the other cheek after they’ve already reddened this one? Yes, I can rise above the situation and treat the person as I’d want to be treated, but because I’m “too nice” again they view it as me being a push over because they continue to mistreat me and yet here I am not only allowing it but making it easier for them to show me more disrespect because I haven’t stood up to them! Instead, I’m almost enabling them by allowing the mistreatment by being super nice to them when that is actually the way I’d like to be treated by them … but it will never happen! And Yes, I can forgive, but again, forgiving does not mean that I have to allow this behavior to continue! Even as Christians, we have the right to be respected and to be treated with respect!
I’ve had people tell me that I lack boundaries, and that is why this type of thing occurs. No, I don’t think that is the problem because I can put boundaries in place with people and often do when they continue to treat me this way. I will either quit the job and move on to a much better place of employment where they treat me better and value me as an employee in an environment that is stress-free (thank God for that), or I will dismiss the person that was performing a service for me if I’m paying them well and doing everything they ask of me and yet they disrespect me and continue to treat me in this fashion. I can put boundaries in place, but my point in this is that if people would just respect you and show that respect, those boundaries would not be needed in the first place. Why, then, is it so hard for people to show respect to each other? It truly isn’t that hard to do. I understand that respect has to be earned. But, I have done nothing for the person to disrespect me. I have paid on time for their services, often tipping them as well. So, it’s not as if they aren’t getting paid and paid well, too, I might add. It isn’t that I’m working them too hard or expecting too much of them either, as they set their own time, hours, and duties pretty much. I don’t stand over them or ask more of them than is expected either.
Often times it seems as if people view “nice” people as weak individuals. Why is niceness perceived as a weakness? It is one of the biggest strengths a person has, and honestly the world would be a better place if we HAD more nice people around! It would be wonderful, though, if others would not take advantage of a nice person.
If any readers out there have advice on how to be nice and yet not be taken advantage of, or how to remain nice and not be talked down to, I’d love to hear your thoughts. I’ve had people tell me to my face that I’m “too nice” and so, I read a book on the topic as well. It was more along the lines of learning to say “no” to people … that’s not my problem, though. I can say no. I read another book for Christians, but this one was more for setting boundaries and how it was okay for Christians to do so. However, boundaries aren’t the issue as I can set boundaries. The problem is when people view my niceness as a weakness, and I’m not sure what I’m doing to come across in this way to others.
I still say that if people would just have respect for others, there wouldn’t be an issue of the “nice” person asking where they went wrong for someone to mistreat them, talk down to them, etc. The nice person would not walk away feeling taken advantage of or as if they had little value in this world. They would not feel highly disrespected, either!
Respect … it’s not so hard to give to another! Yes, even to a person that is “too nice.”
The Art of Forgiveness
Yes … you read the title correctly. I decided to call it The Art of Forgiveness because it truly is an art. It’s not something you can haphazardly go after. It is something that takes time, determination, precision, and something that you continually have to work at … just like a piece of art. If you were a painter or a sculptor, you would not give up so easily with the wrong stroke of your paintbrush, nor would you destroy your creation by an error made during the process.
Let’s explore a little more in this regard, shall we?
Since I enjoy painting, I will imagine you sitting in an art class with your white, crisp canvas before you with all of the pretty colors on your palette. Oh, they are mixed just beautifully, darling. There are soft colors and vibrant ones waiting to leap onto your canvas to create your best masterpiece yet.
You lean forward as you carefully place the tip of the paintbrush onto the canvas in a sweeping motion. Within minutes, it comes to life with a beautiful scene taking shape right before your very eyes.
Now, some can freehand the image while others have to draw it onto the canvas beforehand to get it “just right.” Regardless, you sit with superb posture, leaning in then back again as you take in the sight before you. You hold your mouth in a way that shouts determination. You wrinkle your forehead slightly as you lean in once more. Then all of a sudden your paintbrush slips and paint splatters where you certainly did not intend for it to go. Oh no! Your masterpiece is surely ruined.
Or is it?
In frustration you stop and draw in the longest breath of your life. You hold it for a moment and then slowly release it as you contemplate how in the world you will ever fix this mess. You sit back slowly in your chair looking at the painting. When once you had such high hopes, now all you can see is the destructive mark made by the paintbrush when it slipped from your hand.
You have a variety of feelings coursing through you at this point. Frustration and anger mount as you fuss at yourself in your head for making that mistake. Oh, why did you have to be so careless, you scold … why couldn’t I have paid more attention? Why didn’t I try harder?
You glance at your neighbor’s painting to see them smiling as they delight in their piece, and yet, here you sit.
Then, you gather your composure and try to figure out how to make something beautiful out of this … Surely everyone will be able to look at this and see the error I made so why do I even bother? you ask yourself. And without blinking, the thoughts Because it’s my passion and it’s worth it in the end! rush in.
And so you pick up that paintbrush and begin again. You forgive yourself for the mistake you made, for the accident that happened, for something that was beyond your control at that moment in time … and you work hard at correcting it on your canvas. Where once you imagined a hammock, now you think of a way to fix the paint splatters and so you work toward placing a beautiful flowing tree blowing in the wind near the banks of the water … all of this slowly begins to take shape now on your canvas as you correct, as you forgive the mistake you made and make something beautiful out of it after all.
If you get in a place where you simply cannot imagine how you’ll fix THAT part of the painting, you can always call in the art teacher for surely they know the answer when you tried desperately to fix this on your own.
And you create your masterpiece after all.
How in the world does this tie in with the art of forgiveness? Well, my friend, I’m glad you asked.
We are only human, and in this life we are going to mess up. We are going to make mistakes. There will be people along the way that will hurt us, and we will hurt others, too, but certainly not on purpose. Things will happen that will injury us and will pierce the hearts of those we love dearly. We would never inflict pain upon a person intentionally, but in all of our humanness, it happens.
Just like you would not destroy the painting or punch a hole through the canvas just because you made a mistake, you most certainly wouldn’t end a friendship or a relationship when a person has wronged you. At the first sight of trouble, you wouldn’t pack up and leave the relationship, just as you wouldn’t trash the painting for a few splatters of paint. No, instead, you would try to salvage it. You would give it your all in trying to mend the relationship. If you’ve hurt someone, you would go to them and ask for forgiveness and hope that some day it would be granted to you … just as you would hope that someone that offends you or hurts you greatly would come to you and apologize asking for your forgiveness as well. You would take responsibility for you actions, even if that meant stopping to take a good, hard look at yourself in the mirror to see the error of your ways.
You might even wring your hands or run your fingers through your hair in desperation as you cry out …
And just like the teacher that stepped in when you had done all that you could possibly do, our God will do the same if we only ask Him. For some reason, the one that holds all of the answers seems to be the very last person that we turn to when we’re in trouble. We worry over situations and agonize over things for days. When we’ve tried everything humanly possible, then and only then do we go to the great Almighty … when we can do no more to fix the situation, we turn it over to Him. He will fix it all for us, if we only ask. Some times it might not be in the way that we would like, but it is His will and what He knows is best for His children.
Forgiveness takes a lot of soul searching, and you do grieve and hurt when someone wrongs you. When you are offended or injured by someone’s words or actions, it takes a lot to finally say okay … I’ve reached a place where I feel forgiveness is possible. You can look yourself in the mirror now and say I forgive you as you ease up on yourself for the mess you’ve made in this life. You turn to your family or friend, your spouse or your co-worker and say I’m sorry … please forgive me and you mean it with your whole heart. You own it, and you take responsibility for your actions. You no longer make excuses for now you’re striving to mend broken hearts. You pray over the people and you pray over the situation. You cry until you feel as if you cannot cry any more, and then you turn it over to God. He picks you up and holds you in His loving arms as He comforts as only He can …
And then, something magical happens.
Slowly, things feel better. Maybe just a little at first, but the hurt isn’t as intense any more. As more time passes, you can touch that part of you and it doesn’t send you wailing to the ground in a heap. You no longer tremble with fear of what has happened. You begin to forgive yourself for the part you played in the situation, and you begin to forgive the other person.
It takes time … but hearts can be mended. Forgiveness can be sought and granted. Lives that once felt shattered can be put back together.
Do you have someone in your life right now that you know you’ve offended and would like to make things right with? Think on this and consider reaching out to them. Think of your part and examine yourself. Pray about it and ask God to help mend broken hearts and put you two back together, if at all possible. Then look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and forgive yourself. Now reach out to this person and also ask for forgiveness. Humble yourself before them whether it’s in an email or a hand written letter … but preferably in person, if possible, where it will have the most impact. Pour your heart out to them and see what happens. Know going into this that you cannot control another person … you can only control yourself. Be willing to accept that they may not be in the same place as you are right now, and so forgiveness may not be as easy for them as it seems to be for you at this moment in time. Realize that you may have to offer your sincerest apologizes and feel the person still harden their hearts as you turn to walk away … but know that you’ve done your part. They will think back on the situation, and they will think of your apology in the days to come. You will make an impact in their life.
If someone comes to you in this same way, if you don’t feel ready just yet to let go of the offense, then you have that right to carry it with you. But, ask yourself how it is helping you or the situation to hold on tight to this? Wouldn’t you feel better if you forgave the person? Wouldn’t it make life easier if you vowed to begin again with them? I’m not saying to wipe the slate clean and pretend nothing ever happened or forget and go blindly back into the same situation. No, but what I am asking you to do is to pray about the situation and consider the times you have messed up and have sought forgiveness. You would want the person to forgive you and offer you another chance. Or, even if you two didn’t remain the best of friends or continue on in the relationship, wouldn’t it help to know that you two forgave each other and could go on peacefully in the world after having that forgiveness granted?
Prayerfully consider the art of forgiveness and see how it improves your life. Holding on to bitterness, resentment, and anger does nothing to hurt or injure that person … but it hurts you in the end. It imprisons you. Release yourself from this prison and consider the art of forgiveness today … extend it to anyone who may have offended or hurt you in the past, even if that person was yourself. If you’re holding on to regrets, consider forgiving yourself today.
Stand Or Sit?
What do you do when you know something is wrong? What do you do when you see or witness something that you know in your heart just should not be ? What in creation can we do? What does God expect of us when we see something happening or about to happen and we have the power to stop it? Do we stand by silent, or do we stand and voice ourselves? Do we stop what we know to be wrong, or do we sit silently and as the years go by yearn for what might have, could have, should have been or what we might, could, and should have done? Do we stand and fight for what is right, or do we sit out of fear of losing that which we hold most dear? Do we get involved and stop what we know to be wrong, or do we sit and spend year after year having regrets for not taking action?
I try to live my life without regret. I try (the key word in that statement is try), I try very hard to do what I would consider “the right thing.” I do have one regret, and that is what spawned this posting. The time when I could have stood up, had my voice be heard, stopped something I knew down to my toes was wrong … I didn’t. Instead, I was a coward, and I stayed put, not muttering a word. Yes, I said coward. That is what I was – plain and simple, a coward.
I have faced my own mortality on more then one occasion, looked death in the face and said, “Let’s dance, you and I.” I have stood up to prominent physicians, at the risk of not only my job but reputation. Why this one time … this ONE time in my life when I could have stopped something that i knew was wrong on every level … why did I sit on my hands and let the universe go out of balance?
My ancestors called out to me and urged me to have the courage to do what my heart told me was the right thing, regardless of the potential personal loss. To this day, it is my one regret. It was a mistake I feel everyday of my life.
I look back with tear filled eyes, saying, “If only” … if only I had the courage … if only I had the strength … this one time!
There are times in our lives that we have to make a choice. The right thing may bring personal hardship, loss and emotional pain. The easy road is just that, the easy way out. But is the lingering pain of regret worse? For me, it is.
The saying around now-a-days is “YOLO” meaning You Only Live Once. A very wise and caring person once wrote to me and said, “We are not guaranteed another day.” Life is short. You shouldn’t spend it with regret or plural … regrets. Live it to the fullest, let yourself be loved by those who have it to give to you. Discard those who would use you or take you for granted.
If only you have the strength, if only.
When that time comes in life when a choice is to be made, what will you do? Will you look down the easy path, or will you draw your sword and charge down that path of hardship because your heart says, “That’s the way to go!”?
If I could go back in time and correct a mistake I made, I would do so without hesitation. Ah, but alas, we cannot go back, only forward.
Learn from yesterday, plan for tomorrow, and live for today.
I live with my regret and touch it daily. I pay for it with tears and a shattered heart. If I have learned anything from my yesterday, I will not be sitting down anymore. No, not any more. I have my feet firmly planted in the ground. I don’t know what the path in front of me will bring. I only know that I haven’t fought this hard to be IN this life to stay sitting any longer. So I say, “Look out world, the wolf is off the chain.”
I may have regrets but realize there is nothing I can do about the past. However, please know that I am not letting it govern me. I am proud of all of my scars. They prove that I have fought and fought hard, which is something that I will continue to do.
So, to life I say, “Bring it! I’m up off the ground and will never go down again!”
And so to the question, “Stand or sit?” I now say to life’s challenges, “Let’s dance … you and I.”
The right way is not always the popular and easy way. Standing for right when it is unpopular is a true test of moral character– Margaret Chase Smith
