Feeling Like I Lived
Today marks 21 years I have lived without my sister. Desperation and depression took her from me. She was only 32 years old.
Every year I think I can get by without it affecting me. This “tender day” of July 9th shouldn’t hold such agonizing memories for me, yet on the way to the wildflower field this morning I kept having flashbacks to this day in 2001. The scene that unfolded 21 years ago was just as vivid today riding down the interstate as it was the day it happened. Fighting back tears, I tried to think good thoughts, and even turned on loud music to drown out any thoughts that tried to haunt me. At one point I am almost sure my husband’s ears were ringing from the thump of the bass. Blinking back the tears, I shifted to thoughts of happier times.
Later, at the wildflower field, I was able to escape in the beautiful array of colors. The variety of vibrant colored Zinnias in light pink, hot pink, red, white, orange and yellow took me away for a little while as we strolled throw the meadows along the pond. Being among nature is good for the soul.
We left the wildflower field and continued on toward an old mill in the upstate. We love going on little adventures and exploring all of God’s beautiful countryside. While we were there, we stepped inside an old structure filled now with graffiti and litter. As we looked around wondering what it was like back when the mill was active, the writing on the wall seemed to speak to me.
“If the world was coming to an end, I don’t wanna close my eyes without feeling like I lived.” MGK
There’s so much my sister has missed since she has been gone. She missed her daughter growing up, graduating high school, and having two children of her own (a boy, three years old now, and a girl, six months old at the time of this writing). She missed my youngest daughter being born and my oldest daughter doting over the baby sister she asked God for. My sister missed recitals, family vacations, cheer practice, volleyball games, silly Christmas pictures with everyone wearing matching pajamas, graduations, weddings, and all the things she SHOULD have been here for but wasn’t.
I wonder with the time she did have on this earth if she truly felt like she lived.
I’ll forever remember the feeling that washed over me shortly after her passing. No one knows how long they will live. We all hope for long, healthy lives, but none are guaranteed this gift. I’m sure you can think of people gone way too soon at an early age as well. Several people come to my mind, too. That’s why I have tried to live, truly enjoy life, for myself and for all the things my sister didn’t get to do with her short time here on this earth. We are made for much more than just to work, deal with stressors, and pay taxes. Our time on earth should be to make a difference in the lives of others and to enjoy the beauty that surrounds us. We should go on more adventures, tell people we love them a whole lot more than we do, and spend more quality time together making memories.
I want to feel like I have lived … and so I took swimming lessons and went scuba diving in the Grand Cayman Islands shortly after my sister’s passing. I’ve hiked down the side of a steep mountain to the ruins of an airplane crash to pay respects to those who lost their lives. Sailing in the ocean feeling the wind in my hair or putting the top down on my little convertible has allowed me to feel completely free. Riding on the back of my horse has given me the ability to connect more deeply with God as we explore areas we’ve never been before from the North Carolina mountaintops to the sandy shores of the beaches. We’ve traveled to Hawaii and experienced the culture there while respecting the land and local residents. We have LIVED … in honor of my sister.
Her passing made us all realize that although we don’t want to think about a tragedy occurring in “our” family, sadly, it can and does happen. No one is immune to loss. Our worlds can be totally fine one day with us happy one moment and our entire world crashing around our feet the next.
No one is promised a happy life. You will get beat up and knocked around as you try to merely survive at times. The world won’t stop for your broken heart, just like Reba McEntire sang in her song from the 90s. The world will keep on turning as you pick up the shattered pieces of your heart and life.
From suicides, to random shootings, to drug overdoses, these are just a few things that can seemingly destroy your happy life and family. When someone is ripped from your life, you find yourself wondering how you will be able to breathe from one second to the next. God … that is how. He has been the only reason I am still here today. The Lord truly is close to the brokenhearted as scripture promises us in Psalm 34:18.
So live. For yourself. For your family. For the loved ones that left this world too soon.
Live.
Offering
There was once a picture of a stick figure person standing in front of another stick figure person with their red heart in their hands. Above their head was a caption that said, “It’s all I have.” And the other person’s captain said, “It’s all I want.”
Have you ever felt as if you had nothing to offer anyone? No physical gift you can possibly give will ever leave an imprint on someone’s life or etch a place for you in their soul. What we seek is much deeper than that. It comes from the core of our being and is THE gift of all gifts to be given freely without reservation to another.
What if the entire world offered their heart and soul? Wouldn’t we see a humungous shift in the way people interact with each other?
I am offering this >>>> my heart, my soul, who I am from the very core of my being. To some it will mean the entire world. Yet to others, it won’t mean a single thing to them, and they will turn away scoffing at the gift of … me. Worry NOT about those fault finding people who could knit pick you like birds peck at the corn in the field or beetles that invade your favorite rose bush, leaving behind holes in the green leaves threatening to steal the life right out of you if you let them. Do not give them that power. They aren’t worth it. Anyone that strikes out at you isn’t happy with themselves. That is the root cause of individuals who stoop to that level. We are better than that! Let the small minded people chatter amongst themselves as we rise and soar to new heights well beyond their reach.
To those that accept the gift of who I am as a person – body, mind, heart, and soul – remember, I welcome and accept you, too!
It grows cold as night falls. I hear you knocking and usher you inside. I bring you soft fuzzy socks to warm your feet, and wrap you in a fleece blanket as I offer you a tasty hot chocolate and place it in your all but frost bitten hands. Wrap your fingers around my favorite mug as you sip and savor every drop allowing the warmth of the smooth liquid and the aroma to soothe your soul. Sit with me by the crackling fire and allow me to soak up every drop of who you are … for you are a beautiful treasure.
There is no flaw in you.
No matter who in your past has told you differently. No amount of ridicule can harm you now. You are safe inside my shield, and anyone that launches harmful words of hatred your way surely will not pierce your heart now for I protect you. Here with me you are safe. My love surrounds you.
Hear me now! There is NO flaw in YOU!
You were formed with God’s great and mighty hands just the way He intended you to be. The fault finders need to examine themselves under that same microscope and rid themselves of the evil that swirls within.
Be free! My love!! Be free!
I offer you words of LOVE and ACCEPTANCE! Be who you were meant to be, and fly high in the sky knowing no one that seeks to destroy you can EVER touch you again. Their attempts bounce off of you and cannot reach you now.
Your worth and value is not to be found in them or their acceptance or even in their criticism of you. For God freely gives us HIs love, and our worth and value is securely found in HIM; our Creator, THE lover of our soul, the One that formed us with His own hand!
Go now out into the world with your head held high, shoulders back, and walk confidently in Him, Dear One, and in the love I have for you as well.
Traveler
The travel bug has bitten me. I have been blessed to travel to several extraordinary places in my 50 years, but I yearn for more experiences. Early on in my 20s, a friend sent me plane tickets to Alaska not once but twice! Exploring Alaska is unlike anything you will ever experience in life. It is a must-see!
I remember it just like it was yesterday. Shirley, the little naive girl from the South, ventured out on the journey with nobody else accompanying her as she rode on the airplane for the very first time. Imagine the thrill and terror all rolled into one as I stepped foot on the airplane. Upon take-off, the strong force pushed my head back against the seat as I gripped the armrest. I prayed the entire time we were taxiing down the runway before the wheels left the ground!
Atlanta, Georgia was the next stop to change planes. My friend, Tara, met me at the airport. This was during the times when visitors could actually be inside the terminal before 911 happened and security was increased everywhere. It was so pleasant walking with Tara, as she made sure to get me to the right concourse so I didn’t miss my next flight. Man, those were the days!! I say that because at the next stop, my friend, Chris, met me with her family in Salt Lake City, Utah on my layover! We sat around talking and laughing as the time passed way too quickly. We snapped some pictures (I wouldn’t be who I am without documenting the occasion with a picture, of course!), and then Chris hugged me before she and her family waved goodbye as I disappeared into the airplane to find my seat.
Arriving in Alaska was surreal. My friend picked me up at the airport and whisked me away to begin my Alaskan adventure. The time difference was only four hours, so it wasn’t that brutal, but it did take 14 hours of traveling to reach my destination. We rested, and then the next day, we set out to explore.
(The pictures are definitely “dated” with the grainy look from the film back then, but I’m thankful to have these sweet memories despite the quality. There were no pocket cell phones with the ability to take crystal clear photographs in those days! ~gasps~ It was almost 23 years ago!)
The morning fog covered the mountains at first, but by mid-morning, the clouds rolled back to reveal the most beautiful, breathtaking, monstrous mountains my eyes had ever seen!! My family and I would vacation in the “mountains” of North Carolina, and I thought they were amazing. Well, the mountains of Alaska made the mountains of North Carolina look like ant hills!
We hiked to the baby blue glaciers, took pictures in front of a waterfall coming off the side of a mountain, and rode four wheelers on a frozen lake! It was unbelievable!
“Don’t go off somewhere else, we have yet to fish for King Salmon!”
What?
King Salmon?
Oh, that was an adventure!
I distinctly remember stepping in waders all the way up to my hips and laughing. What a sight I was, for sure! But, they were needed if we were going to stand in the creeks as the salmon swam upstream. My pal, Cal, the most beautiful Black and Tan German Shepherd thought it would be cool to “fish” also. The only problem was the current was so swift, it swept him off of his four feet faster than we could reach him in the creek. We scrambled to get a rope to hold on to as my friend ventured deeper into the creek after Cal. Within minutes – that seemed more like hours – Cal was back on solid ground, shaking his thick coat and looking at us like he was ready for another adventure. Shortly thereafter, a King Salmon almost as big as me hit my line. I definitely needed backup to pull him in as he twisted, turned, flapped, and struggled against the current and my rod trying his darnedest to get away! Ah, but with reinforcement with what turned into a team effort, we wrangled the King Salmon and made him ours!!
I visited Alaska in the summer, which was like a dream being in the Land of the Midnight Sun! We rode motorcycles at midnight, where it was just as bright at that hour as if it were midday, noon. They truly do have 24 hour daylight in the summer months, and you need heavy blankets or room darkening shades to sleep when it’s like that! Then, in the winter, it gets dark so early – really around 4 p.m. – that depression is very real for many residents during that time. I enjoyed seeing both seasons, but if I had to do it over again, I would only visit in the summer. The air was so cold in the winter that it was like razerblades cutting into my face when I ventured outdoors without full face coverings or ski masks. Even still, I appreciated the generosity and the experience to travel from one end of the United States to the other – twice – to see God’s Country in Alaska! I’m certainly no world traveler, as there is lots more for me to see, but I am thankful and completely grateful to have seen The Last Frontier!
