Light, Love, Hope

We have all heard this saying before:

Let Go and Let God.

It’s a simple concept to just let go of all that is troubling us and let God handle it. It’s so simple, yet it’s … so … hard …. to … do!

Another saying you’re probably familiar with is:

Good morning. I will be handling all of your problems today, and I do not need your help. love, God

There isn’t a single one of us on the face of this earth that haven’t gone through something huge in our lives or maybe some are actually going through this life changing event right this very minute. It’s hard to simply let go of what is troubling us and push through.

It’s hard to wear those masks and force those smiles. We do it on a daily basis, even with our automated responses when people ask, “How are you?” We simply reply with, “Fine.” No one has to know that we’re dying inside. But, God knows. He sees, hears, and knows it all. I think that just as things are breaking our hearts here on this earth, they are breaking HIS heart as well. Just as we’re shedding tears, so is God in Heaven over us and our situations. He doesn’t want us to hurt, dear ones.

I may lose a few of you here, but I certainly hope not. There are some people that believe that no matter what situation you’re going through, God has placed this in your life to challenge you or to test you. What about bad things that just … happen … to good people? Some believe that God did those bad things. Others say He allows it to happen. Why? Because we all have free will in this life. It doesn’t make sense to us as to why He would use something so devastating and heart breaking, something that shatters us and cripples us … simply to “test” us. I don’t want to believe that my loving God, my God of mercy, peace, and grace caused all of the bad things in this life that devastate so many lives.

Something that I haven’t talked freely about, until now, is my sister’s suicide. Yet, I feel compelled to share it now more than ever. It’s not that I’m seeking sympathy in the least. No, my family and I do not want that. It’s not that I’m trying to say that my pain is greater than yours either. It may be different, but I’m certainly not measuring who has the greater or greatest heartache in life. I’m just saying that we ALL face things that bring us to our knees. We all face demons in different ways in our lives. For some, their demons can be their alcohol or drug addictions. For others, their demons may come in the form of uncontrollable anger and lashing out at others. And then, other demons present themselves with feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and feeling completely alone in this life. Sadly, my sister felt the latter after having her precious baby. With all of the hormones going wild in her body as it was, she was feeling completely overwhelmed as a new mother, and then the sleepless nights left her questioning her own worth as a mother. Things spiraled out of control, even though we did try to seek help.

In situations like I’ve just shared with you, people are either going to be drawn to God or pull away from Him. They may feel as if their only hope at this point is to cling to God and beg Him to help pick up the shattered pieces of our hearts when we, ourselves, question how we’ll be able to go on without our precious loved ones. When our hearts are breaking to the point that it hurts even to breathe, we cry out to God. OR, the opposite is true, and people get angry with God for allowing the absolute worst to happen. They turn their backs on God and stay cemented in their position that He had the ability to turn this situation around and yet He didn’t. Instead, The All Knowing, All Seeing, All Powerful … allowed … this to happen? Then there’s feelings of WHY? We cry out, we scream with our fists raised high in the air. Why God? WHY!? Why did you have to allow THIS? Why didn’t you stop her? You had the ability and the power, and yet … you did nothing. Again, we’re reminded of the free will aspect. And so we crumble and we sob deeply from our souls as we curl up into a ball in the fetal position for a little while.

Yes, letting go and letting God is so incredibly hard in moments like this. Let go … and let God?

Then I’m reminded of a bible verse that I’ve actually repeated a whole lot recently:

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

It’s similar, in a way, to the whole “letting go” thing … but it’s a conscious choice to just … be still. When you don’t know what to do, why things happened as they did, and you don’t know how you’ll ever find the strength to draw in another breath or put another foot forward to force yourself out of bed in the mornings … just be still and know that He is God.

It’s not for us to question, although we do it plenty! We won’t ever have the answers that we seek in this lifetime. Only He knows why. Yet, I’m also reminded of another bible verse, one that this site is founded on:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Some can and will even argue with this verse with what happened to my sister in 2001, though. What, exactly, were the plans God had for my sister? How about those great plans to prosper her and not to harm her? Where was her hope and her future? And even putting those words in black and white on this screen causes my heart to sink. We are taught we shouldn’t question … and yet, I’ve just typed out some questions that have tormented my entire family all of this time. It doesn’t mean I’ve forsaken my God. Not at all. It just means that I’m crying out in my pain for answers … that will not come this side of Heaven.

Could He have stopped my sister that hot July day? Yes …

Why didn’t He? We’ll never know.

Maybe God saw something around the curve in her life that He protected her from by allowing her the free will to take her own life at that moment in time. I’m not sure what to make of this, and I never will know why … or how this could happen … or why it was allowed … or what He could have possibly been protecting her from. All I know is that He is a God of mercy, and if she was in her right mind at the time, this never would have happened. Some of the most well meaning people have added insult to injury over these past years with the thought of suicide being the “unforgivable sin.” No, it’s not. God had mercy on her the moment she took her last breath. I have faith, and this I do believe. She’s in the arms of angels with God right now. I … believe. No, suicide isn’t the unforgivable sin. Denying that God exists, from what I’ve learned, is the unforgivable sin. Atheists fight to tell us how God isn’t real, and they argue their side just as strongly as Christians. They’ve denied Him, though, and we can only hope that at some point in their lives, before it is too late, they will come to discover that there IS a God and they will start believing in Him. Then, we can ultimately hope that they accept Jesus into their hearts before they take their last breath regardless of the cause of their deaths … natural causes, car accident, or even by their own hands (no, my sister was NOT an Atheist … I am arguing the point of what truly is an unforgivable sin … It’s not taking your own life as many have tried to tell me. What comfort did they think they were offering me to suggest that my sister was now in hell? Oh, I believe she lived her hell right here on this earth. Now, though, she’s in Heaven. I believe this with my whole heart. What, in my opinion, is the unforgivable sin? It is denying there is a God).

This post started out as something lighthearted and inspirational with a simple message of “letting go and letting God …” and yet it has gone way beyond that to the private corners of my heart that I’ve kept hidden for so long. At the time of this writing, it has been 12 years. Twelve very hard, gut wrenching years to endure this type of heartache. Not just me losing my only sister, my only sibling. My parents lost their oldest daughter, and they are now only left … with me. MY oldest daughter was only four at the time of my sister’s death, and although she has vague memories, she doesn’t “really” remember her Aunt Pam. My youngest daughter never knew her in this life as she came along many years after my sister’s death, yet she lives on in both of my daughter’s lives through funny stories that I tell them of how we were together growing up, the silly things we did, and the pictures that I have displayed of Pamela in my home.

I’d like to say that we’ve been able to maintain a wonderful, loving relationship with my sister’s only child … but alas, that has not been the case either as forces beyond our control have kept her from us pretty much the majority of this time. She knows us, and we know her … but we aren’t close as I had once envisioned, hoped, and dreamed …

This is me … being real about how I’m feeling.

Yet, despite the heartache, the pain, the devastation, and the shattered lives … I’m here on this site offering all of my love and heartfelt prayers to you all … because I care.

At times when you don’t know what else to do … when your pain is too great, let me suggest that the “letting go” that you do at this point is to just let it all go, honey. Let the tears flow … freely! FEEL the feelings … let the emotions take over one good time if you need to and LET IT GO! God is right there wrapping His loving arms around you comforting you as only He can … feel His presence so strongly in moments like this. Allow His love to soothe your soul. Let go of all of the hurt and pain, all of the questions, all of the shattered pieces of your heart that you’ve scooped up in your hands from off of the floor … and hand them to God. Extend your arms with your hands cupped toward Heaven and allow God to wipe away every single tear that you’ve cried as He takes the broken pieces of your heart and handles them with such care as He puts your lives back together. He can … and He will. It may not look like the life you once knew. It may be completely different now, but He CAN take something so devastating and make something good out of it. At that time in my life, I could not imagine what good could possibly EVER … EVER … come out of something like this … and then, Light Love Hope was born out of a desire to help others. That’s what this site is all about, and it’s been brought forth and presented to the world to offer love, support, and encouragement. When you feel as if no one loves you – we do. Allow us to show you. When you feel all alone, allow us to rally around you and come alongside you to offer that shoulder to cry on or that hand to hold. When you feel as if you are surrounded by darkness, take our hands as we walk together into the light … HIS light.

Oh dear friends … let go of all of the hurt and pain … lay it all down at His feet … and let God love on you a while.

Be still and know that He is God.

Be still and feel His love.