Questions That Should Not Be Asked After A Loss To Suicide
This year marked 20 years since my sister died by suicide. July 9, 2001 was one of the hardest days of my entire life. It was during that time God carried me, just like the Footprints In The Sand poem says.
When the community learns of such a tragic death, there are so many questions. Believe me, the family has tons more questions they would like to ask, but the ones that hold the answers are in Heaven (God & their loved ones). No one knows quite what to say or do. I thought I would offer some guidance, just as another friend did today. She lost her daughter in January of this year, and she and her husband are still trying to cope. We continue to rally around them and pray, knowing firsthand only God can comfort their hurting hearts. My friend shared this with a plea on her Facebook page, and I now share it with you:
The Questions You Shouldn’t Ask Me About My Son’s Suicide | The Mighty
I would also like to share another source for those struggling after such a horrific loss:
The Compassionate Friends Non-Profit Organization for Grief
One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only one set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life.
This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.
“Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I’m aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints.
I just don’t understand why, when I need You most, You leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.”
― Margaret Fishback Powers
Show Me The Father
Fathers help shape us into the people we are and will become in life. Some of us have wonderful fathers and look forward to conversations involving them. Others, however, have not had their biological fathers in their lives or have not had them as the best father figure to look up to in life. Instead, they have had to rely on other men to fill that role. Whether it was a grandfather, step-father, or an older man that came into their lives and took the child under their wing to mentor to them, men have an unique role in the lives of children all over the world.
“SHOW ME THE FATHER is the film our nation needs to see. We have become a society that
devalues and mocks fathers, but God created the role of fatherhood for a very specific
purpose. Many of our children feel unwanted and unworthy because half of their identity is
absent. Fathers are necessary for the next generation to heal.”
– Nona Jones, Author, Pastor, Speaker, and Executive
The movie SHOW ME THE FATHER is another beautiful movie from the Kendrick Brothers, who are well known for the movies COURAGEOUS, WAR ROOM, and FIRE PROOF. It is their first documentary, though, and people might groan when they initially hear that. However, this documentary shares true stories with wisdom and such power from fathers like Jim Daly (from Focus on the Family), Sherman Smith, Stephen Kendrick, and Dr. Tony Evans. These influential men share their stories and also share the fatherhood of God as well, stressing to us the importance of leaning on our Heavenly Father. God is good all the time, in every situation and circumstance, even if we may not see any good in the situation at the moment. God is ever present, and He is the father we can lean on and into no matter what we face in our lives, even at the hands of our own fathers.
Show Me The Father will be in theaters September 10, 2021, and I encourage you to go see this movie. Take your families with you!! Share with others who may be blessed by the true life stories and what we can all gain from these influential men.
I realize that everyone’s father story is unique to them, just as the men in our lives are unique. There is no one else like them, and while my father story is a happy one, others do not have a happy story when thinking of their own fathers. My oldest daughter struggles with the difficult relationship she has had through the years with her own biological father. So I understand, and I know first hand some of the challenges she has faced and is presently facing, even at the age of 24 years old. Unfortunately, her father/daughter relationship has been a painful source of heartbreak, and it still affects her today. Our fathers very much affect who we are, and are at the core of our identity and direction our lives take. They can help mold us and inspire us, or they can be the reason we question why we aren’t loved or “enough” for them to want a deeper relationship with us. Such has been the heartbreaking case for my daughter, and I have cried tears right along with her over this. There is not anything in the world wrong with my daughter – and never has been – yet it has pained me greatly that my daughter has questioned her own worth and value due to her father’s inability to be actively involved, take a lead role in her life loving her and being there as a father SHOULD be! Just recently, they had another falling out due to his inability to acknowledge how the things he has said and done have her hurt. Instead of accepting responsibility for his actions and words, he chose to invalidate her feelings yet again and place the blame elsewhere instead of with the person he sees in the mirror daily looking back at him, where it belongs. Sadly, instead of owning up to and correcting his behavior, things escalated to where she has decided not to try any longer with him. It saddens me greatly because my father is so very important in my life! HE is my rock, and the one I always turn to no matter what. My daddy is my everything, and it breaks my heart that my oldest daughter does not have this type of relationship with her biological father. Things could have been so different in her life and their relationship; however, he has chosen to become emotionally disconnected over these years, and in our eyes, has dropped the ball in his role as her biological father. Thankfully, all faith in men has not been lost, as she looks up to MY father with such love and admiration, as well as her step-father. Together, these two men have picked up the shattered pieces of my daughter’s heart and helped restore her faith in what a father is supposed to be. Her future husband has been instrumental in this as well, as these three men have helped change her view of fatherhood. She and her husband will strive even more so now to give their own children (when that day comes) two sets of parents that will move Heaven and Earth to be there for them, loving, nurturing, and making memories! I’m thankful for these men that have chosen to step up and show her what being a father is truly all about, and my heart is thankful these men have shown her the unconditional love and devotion of a father for their daughter/granddaughter.
Similar stories like our own will be told in this documentary, and it will have us all thinking more along the lines of the fatherhood of God as well. Show Me The Father has five men sharing their true stories. There will be story lines, of course, along with plot twists you didn’t see coming, but the movie will inspire and encourage you to be the best father YOU men out there can be for your daughters!
SHOW ME THE FATHER is a film the entire family needs to see, so why not go together to watch it? Be sure to get your tickets at showmethefathermovie.com and join families every where in theaters beginning September 10, 2021.
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Message of Hope
It still seems surreal. The weekend in Kentucky could not get here fast enough, and then it flew by! We tried to savor every moment, from the first hello hug to the last goodbye text message to everything in between!
Many “firsts” were logged on this trip. The first time setting eyes on Maria in person! The first hug and sitting next to her thinking we waited 23.5 years! Then the fun REALLY began! It was Maria’s very first time riding a horse, hiking to a waterfall, and kayaking!
While we had a lot of fun on this trip, some amazing things happened as well. We went back to the hotel Friday night after dinner and sat outside talking until almost one o’clock in the morning! While we were out there, this gentleman had just arrived pulling a trailer that housed his motorcycle. He was meeting another friend there to ride the mountainous roads together. What fun! My husband and Maria’s husband instantly made friends with him, and together they stood talking as if they all had known each other their entire lives.
It is always fun meeting new people and learning their stories. Why is it always a surprise when God uses ordinary people to deliver messages to us? This was the case on two separate occasions during our time in Kentucky. Mike, our new motorcycle friend, learned of Maria’s diagnosis during the conversation Friday night, and he shared a message of hope. He relayed that his mother was diagnosed with Leukemia but went on to live 30 years with it. Those were definitely words we needed to hear. Maria needed to hear them, especially, as she is staring Leukemia in the face right now. She has her good days and bad days, of course. On her bad days, overwhelming feelings sweep in to consume her, and I can only imagine it is a fight to get back to a good mental place. Mike’s message was right on time. God knew what Maria needed, right when Maria needed to hear it! And … God delivered it through a total stranger … one of his angels in human form! Thank you, God. Thank you!
Saturday morning as we prepared to greet the day and explore on horseback, we saw motorcycle Mike in the parking lot again. I was sitting in the Tahoe with my door propped open waiting on the others when Mike appeared in my door. With the most sincere blue eyes, he peered through into my soul as she said, “I just wanted to thank you …” I looked at Mike with wondering eyes as to what, exactly, he was thanking me for. Then he continued, “I wanted to thank you for what you’re doing for Maria. She told me, and I think it is amazing. You have such a big heart to give her such an incredible gift this weekend. Thank you for who you are and what you are doing in her life.” I was rendered speechless at that moment, because I was not sure what exactly Maria shared with him previously. Also, I am not one of those people that gives a homeless person money while snapping a picture to post on social media either, so I was not sure what to do with his words other than tuck them away in my heart. Tears began to sting my eyes as I realized he knew much more than I was letting on about that weekend, and he recognized me in that moment when I was not seeking any kind of recognition at all. What was done that weekend for Maria and her husband was a gift straight from my heart, and it was something I did not even hesitate doing. You see, right before I offered this weekend to them, my boss had just told me that he was giving me a bonus. Immediately, I decided to pay it forward, and his generous gift to me then became my gift to her. Just as my friend, Greg, has done for my daughters and I in the past with his generous and unexpected gifts, blessing our hearts, now it was my turn to take an opportunity I was given to bless someone else. Paying it forward … a random act of kindness … whatever you want to call it … It makes it all worthwhile when you see the person on the receiving end smile.
