Remember Them
Two friends suffered the loss of their adult children by suicide; one in December, right before Christmas, and the other at the beginning of January. Both families are still distraught as they try to make sense of this, when no one can comprehend the amount of despair these young adults were feeling to have resorted to such extremes. The family is left feeling such extreme grief that is unlike any other grief. It feels as if someone has ripped your heart completely out of your chest and then slammed it down on the concrete as five thousand semi trucks continue to run over it. Yes, that is the extreme pain families feel after a loss such as this. Sadly, I experienced this when we lost my sister to suicide in 2001.
At a time like this, there isn’t much comfort you can offer the families, other than the knowledge that you are there for them. Please, continue to rally around them long after the funeral is over. In the weeks, months, and years to come, that is when they truly need you the most. They feel numb at times, then a wave of grief knocks them over and they feel like they are drowning all over again in the sea of a million questions that scream at them “WHY DIDN’T I KNOW THEY WERE THIS LOW? “HOW COULD THEY HAVE DONE THIS?” ” GOD, WHY DID HIS HAPPEN?” “WHY DIDN’T THEY COME TO ME?” “I LET THEM DOWN … I SHOULD HAVE KNOW … I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE FOR THEM!” Guilt consumes them, and it feels like someone has a hand on their throat choking the life out of them, too.
In the midst of ALL of this, please … remember them!
Remember the loved ones that they are grieving such a tragic loss over. Remember the good times, and share those memories with the family. Don’t be afraid to speak their loved one’s name for fear that it will cause them more pain. One of the most painful things at this moment in time is thinking that people will forget all about the one that has passed. Keep their memory alive! It actually helps the family to know that you have fond memories of their loved one. Share your stories! Talk about “this one time when they made you laugh until your face and sides hurt” or “they were such a prankster when they did this or that …” These memories are music to the parent’s ears. One of their biggest fears is that people will forget the one that their heart is shattered over losing. Reassure them that you will not forget …. and share with the family as a way to help them during this horrific time in their lives.
No one should EVER have to experience this special life altering loss of a loved one, and yet there are so many that take their lives each year. People talk about the “signs” and yet often the person was able to hide their depression or feelings of despair from those closest to them. There is no way we could have known that my sister would have taken her own life. Just like the gentleman that lost his son in December said, “You never could have convinced me that my son would have been capable of or would have taken his own life. Unfortunately, I was wrong.”
The mother grieving the loss of her only child, her precious adult daughter, shares pictures daily. Occasionally, she will share her heart and pour out exactly how she is feeling in a post. Often times, though, she sits alone crying with gut wrenching sobs escaping her lips.
Initially, survivors of suicide feel the need to protect their loved one’s name by trying to fix every wrong rumor that is going around town about them. They rush to their loved one’s defense of such tall tales. They don’t want anyone to tarnish their loved one’s memory with such fabricated stories. Even the truth doesn’t need to be told. It’s like a secret contained in a jack-in-the box. It’s a secret that the family wanted to contain, yet someone has twisted and turned the handle multiple times until the secret jumped out of the box and, much to the family’s horror, was revealed for all to know.
Please don’t focus on how the person passed. Instead, focus on the precious life they lived when they were here. Focus on the love they shared and the many lives the person touched while here on this earth.
In the case of both parents, their children are still touching lives today, long after they have passed. Because it enables those that still have their children to open up a dialog with them about such topics as depression so this doesn’t happen to another child, teen, young adult, or ANY ONE!
Remember them.
The ones that have passed. Share the beautiful stories of their lives and how they made you laugh or how they touched your heart! Don’t be afraid to say their name!! It is music to the family’s ears!
Remember the parents and all family members that are grieving. It affects everyone. It is like a stone tossed into a river, and the ripples affect everything in it’s path. Be there to listen … to offer a hug … just to sit silently with them holding their hand. Just be there and reassure the family that even though they don’t know how they will take their next breath, you will be there with them helping them along the way as best you can.
Remember the ones currently in your life and do everything possible to let them know you’re there, whatever the need. Listen to them, no matter if they rant about the same thing for the 10th time that day. They obviously have something that is bothering them for them to feel the need to bring it up. Let them talk and get it all out. Listen. Offer a shoulder to cry on, if needed. Or just be a sounding board for that person. Keeping it inside does more harm than good, so be the person that listens and, more importantly, validates them!
There is much yet left to be done to help others in this world. Be the person that doesn’t shy away but instead is present to be a friend especially when a person is in need. Don’t let a single other person on the face of this earth EVER feel alone again, if you can help it.
And pray.
Please keep these families in your prayers. I promise you, they need them!
I’ll Be There For You
Four simple words can mean the whole world to someone.
“I’ll be there for you”
Those four words softly spoken when a person is feeling hopeless, weak, or powerless might change their outlook at the moment and help them hold on a little tighter.
No one likes to feel as if they are facing things in this world alone. Being there for someone will help them tremendously, even if there isn’t anything you can specifically do for their situation other than offer prayers. Showing support and encouraging others has to be real and genuine. If it’s forced, fake, or doesn’t come from the heart, it will show and make matters worse.
I’m sure there have been times in your life when you’ve been there for someone. Yet, when you are the one in need of support and encouragement, no one can be bothered. It hurts when this happens, and if we’re truthful, there have been times we all have encountered this in our lives. Right off, I can think of several individuals I have been there for in their time of need. While it wasn’t my battle, I showed up with my armor on and weapons drawn ready to fight right alongside them. Together we were strong and a force to be reckoned with. Fast forward to years later when I’m the one in need, and I put on the armor, grab my weapons the best way I can, and proceed to fight alone.
Alone.
No one should ever feel as if they are alone. In a world with seven billion people, surely there is someone out there that can help fight this feeling.
Yesterday I witnessed a lady come into the office wearing a brave face, determined not to let her hurt show. However, after a few minutes, she dissolved into silent tears. As she waited for her appointment, I couldn’t sit there and not acknowledge her tears. I offered her a tissue, then reassured her the best that I could. She smiled as tears streamed down her face. After her appointment, I let her know that I would be praying for her as she made her way to the exit. And I meant it, every single word.
Prayer is a powerful weapon all on it’s own. Calling out to the Great and Almighty God that we serve does NOT fall on deaf ears. He will ensure that in a world full of seven billion people that are in such a hurry to go here or there that you are NOT alone, for He is always with us. We can’t see Him, but we can be comforted in the knowledge that He is there! When others we have helped along the path in life simply do not have the time nor desire to return the favor, God is there to help us. All we have to do is cry out to Him. He already knows what is going on, He just simply wants us to invite Him into the situation.
When you pray, know that God has His hands outstretched saying to you, “I’ll be there for you, My Child.” Take His hand and fall into the loving arms of your Heavenly Father.
I know you are like me and would love the companionship of the friend you helped when their father was going through cancer treatments, and you were rallying alongside them. Or the friend that faced their mother’s health concerns. Even the friend that was bi-polar that you took to the hospital so they could receive the treatment they needed. Someone … anyone …
Just know that God is there. Through it all. And He always will be.
Different Strokes For Different Folks
Sitting in my office scrolling mindlessly through Facebook, my phone begin to ring as I held it in my hand.
“We need to schedule further testing.”
~heavy sigh~
No one wants to hear that, but instead of sticking my head in the sand I went forward with scheduling appointments.
As I tried to go about my day, I reached out to a select few individuals for support. I encountered different reactions for sure, and it made me think of the saying I heard long ago of “different strokes for different folks.”
The first individual I reached out to said right away that they would pray for me, and I believe it with my whole heart that they have and will continue to do so. The second individual didn’t take it so well and begin to “freak out” over the situation and question, expecting me to say something more or different than I had previously. Yet, the answer would remain the same. The third individual was no support whatsoever as they found every negative to grasp ahold onto in our limited five minute conversation before I found a reason real fast to hang up. I felt worse after reaching out to this person than I had before placing the phone call. Another individual reassured me that I can always count on them, while the final person I chose to engage quite literally laid their hands on me and begin to pray for healing.
We all have different ways in which we deal with things that come at us. In my situation, I chose right away to go in for more bloodwork and the ultrasound the doctor recommended. Others in my own family would have chosen to take a few days to “roll this around” as they thought on it before actually going in for additional testing. When I was told that the scheduler wouldn’t be in until tomorrow, I asked if I could schedule my own ultrasound. When advised that I could, I took the bull by the horns and will be seen this afternoon.
There’s no guidebook that tells you how to navigate the waters in life. You just do the best you can, and I imagine each of these individuals feel they handled it to the best of their ability. I appreciate each one for they have shown me who they are and how I can count on them in various different ways. For the one that chose to immediately encourage me with knowledge that they would pray for me, my heart thanks them completely because I know that ALL things are possible with and through God. For the person that had a “freak out” moment, I know that I have to be selective about what I tell them in moments when I’m feeling fragile so that I do not “freak out” even more so myself due to their energy. For the individual that piled every negative and felt it their job to shovel doom and gloom on top of my head, they have taught me never to reach out to them again for support because encouragement is foreign to them. And for the precious individual that laid hands on me and began to pray, I cried … there was no holding back those tears at that particular moment in time. All that I had been holding back the entire day came like a flood past the gates or like a river bursting through the dam, as the tears spilled down my cheeks.
Let this be a lesson to choose wisely who you turn to for support and encouragement. And follow the believers who will take it to the Lord in prayer each and every time. When we feel hopeless and not in control of anything in this life, we can take it to the One that controls everything.
I may not know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds tomorrow.
