Thirteen
She leaps out of the vehicle, long brown hair flowing behind her, as she picks up the box. An excited squeal escapes her lips as she extends those long legs into a full run, flings the wooden house door open and smiles as she heads for the bedroom. She carefully places the box on the bed now as if it is full of fragile treasures inside, and to her, they are! With each item she brings out of the box, her facial expressions change as she reaches for the next, and the next, and the next …
Thirteen. This is what 13 looks like when you’re excited to open a box of squishes that was sent as a surprise by someone so incredibly sweet who treats my daughter as if she were his very own. And it has always been this way. Friends of 20 years, yet family in our hearts. That describes the unique gift we have both been given by meeting as we did all those years ago. A chance meeting? Perhaps, but God orchestrated the entire thing. I believe that in my heart.
And my beautiful blue eyed baby girl cannot wait to show each and every item off. Being as descriptive as she can, she talks about each unique quality they all have and tries to narrow down which is her absolute favorite.
Oh, to be 13 again. Young and playful, full of life, without a care in the world.
Each of us has our own unique qualities also. Imagine someone oozing with this kind of enthusiasm as they speak our name and tell of our special qualities that make their eyes light up, too! Now imagine our God, Almighty Creator, loving us so much as He sits on His throne in Heaven telling all the angels that gather around all about us. He knows every single hair we have on our body, and He knows intimate details of our thoughts and feelings.
As I sit and think of the love I have in my heart for my 13 year old daughter as I watch her in all of her glory, I imagine how God beams with pride as He watches over us all.
Carry that with you today and know that He loves you far more than you could ever imagine.
A little self-therapy
I don’t write much on here but feeling the way I do I thought a bit of writing might be a way to do some self-therapy.
It was fourteen years ago today that my mom passed away. I spent the last several hours that she had at her bedside holding her hand. It was a very humbling experience. I had a feeling of complete helplessness. During that time, I prayed for her suffering to end. I feel guilty for doing that to this day. That may be why around this time every year I have times where I am right back there by her side holding her hand.
They say time heals all wounds. That may work for some things. Others it does not. This is one of those things. As time has gone on, it doesn’t bother me as much as right after she passed away. But back then I had a wonderful support system; a dear friend that I could call anytime and just talk to get my mind off these kinds of things. He passed away back in October, so this is the first year I have had no one to turn to just let my feelings out. So here I sit writing in hope that putting this in words will help a bit with the feelings inside.
The one things I want to pass on in all this is please always tell those that mean the most to you how your feel about them. Don’t assume they know. Tell them. Let them know that they are important to you and that you love them. We all need to hear that we matter to someone.
I wish anyone that reads this that your life is touched by love.
Tender Days
Today is what is known in our family as one of those “tender days.” A lot of people may not understand that term when they first hear it, but for us, it became a reality 17 years ago. It was the day we lost my sister, Pamela.
I remember the details of that day so vividly in my mind. From the phone calls trying to reach her that morning, to the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as I raced out to her house only to find it surrounded by police cars and yellow “crime scene” tape. That is an image forever engraved in my mind.
Fast forward 17 years, and the beautiful baby girl my sister left behind has graduated a year early from high school. She’s grown into a beautiful young lady, so full of life, and a smile that will melt your heart.
And my heart hurts that my sister is not here to be an active part of her daughter’s life.
So many things have changed and so much has happened since my sister went away.
She was my very best friend in my adult life, and I felt like a fish out of water when she left this world. Who would I turn to when childhood memories were at the forefront of my mind? Who would I reminisce with? Who would be my lunch buddy, as we went every single work day together.
Then there were no more.
No more memories to be made with her. No more phone calls to chit chat or even to harass each other in our own sisterly playful way. No more lunches to be had, unless I sat on the grass at her grave, which I have done on occasion.
All that I have to hold on to are the memories we made when she was here and the photographs that remind me of her smile, her auburn hair, and her mischievous smile. From the childhood picture that sits on the corner hutch in my dining room, to her glamour shot pictures with her leather jacket with her all dolled up, I treasure every single one. Even the picture from 1996 with my “still stuck in the 80s hair” picture my parents insisted upon. Now I am forever grateful as I glance over at it on my makeup vanity every morning as I prepare to greet the day. Right down to the 1994 polaroid picture I snapped at my house when my sister came over to visit … we were young and playful, having no idea of what the future would hold and how short our time together would truly be.
And my heart mourns the loss.
Knowing what this day means, and feeling months ago that it might be hard to handle, I prepared as best I could in advance. I got tickets for my husband and I to go see Diamond Rio in concert last night. They are a country band that was real popular in the 90s, and two songs stand out in my mind; One More Day and I Believe. It was my way of honoring my sister in a positive way, just as I strive to do daily by living life to the fullest and enjoying every moment.
