Things I Learned About Myself
It’s now been four weeks and two days since the original surgery, and two weeks and two days since the second surgery. I was supposed to go back last week to have another ultrasound to check the two blood clots the doctor has been monitoring. However, I developed the flu! Yes, of all things, and of all people to get it, I did!
I have tried to do just what the doctor ordered all of this time, yet things happened which were all beyond my control. The flu took the wind right out of my sails, that’s for sure! The second day, I threw up five times over a period of several hours, all while praying I didn’t cause any harm to the surgery places inside!
Fever, chills, body aches, massive headache, congestion, and a terrible cough all went with it. A trip to the doctor and ten Tamiflu later, I am feeling better! My entire household is now on Tamiflu to hopefully prevent them getting the flu. I’m praying they do not experience this because it was miserable!
During all of this, there are things I learned about myself.
- I am a good patient. My husband and children have observed me when I’ve been most vulnerable. They have witnessed me calmly sitting in somewhat of an upright position in the hospital bed, quiet as a mouse. I let the nurses do their job, and I try to be the best patient I possibly can. When asked about it recently, I told my husband that these are the people caring for me. There is no need in me becoming a bad patient when they are tending to me because I could make the situation a LOT worse for myself. And I do NOT want to do that. I realize the nurses are in charge of my IVs, as well as administering medicine, and helping me in and out of the bed to go to the bathroom. I’m not about to tick them off by being a loud and obnoxious patient. Now, don’t get me wrong, if someone starts mistreating me, I’ll find my voice real quick. But there is no need to be a bad patient, ever. Period. Let them do their jobs, and most of the time, they will exceed your expectations.
- I have anxiety. This I have known for a while, but I thought it was just a touch of anxiety that would rear its ugly head every now and then. With what I’ve been going through, it has made itself more apparent. There is no shame or weakness in admitting I have anxiety. Believe me, you would, too, if you started bleeding profusely after a surgery that was supposed to prevent that from ever happening again!
- I have faith in God. My faith has been a huge part of my recovery from life in general when things try to knock me down. I get back up, dust myself off, and pray harder than ever before. And, I did just that when the complications started. I found myself pacing the floor with tears spilling out of my eyes as I clasped my hands together and prayed to God to help me. My family was scared, as was I, but in a crisis situation, they got to see me clinging to God and begging for Him to help me. They’ve known for a while that my faith is strong, and they know I pray. But they got to witness firsthand something that is usually only between myself and my Lord and Savior.
- I have post traumatic stress. My doctor acknowledged this due to all that I’ve been through this past year and a half with the doctors and the illness itself. This drives the anxiety through the roof at times. Yet, my God is bigger than this AND the anxiety.
- I am strong. What would make others crawl into a fetal position has only made me realize how strong I truly am. I’ve handled everything that has been coming at me with the help of God, and He has been my strength!
- I am a firm believer in second opinions! As I started out on this journey, I saw a local doctor who didn’t have much of a bedside manner and who was too “matter-of-fact” for my liking. Listen up. Just because the doctor might be closer to you as in drive time does NOT mean they are the doctor that needs to be treating you! I have found much better care from a doctor that is an hour and fifteen minutes away from me. This has not always been convenient, especially with the complications that developed. BUT, I do not mind the drive because I know I will be in great hands when I finally reach their office! If you’re going through something, now or in the future, there is NOTHING wrong with seeking a second opinion. Maybe the doctors will concur with their findings and treatment options, or maybe they won’t. You owe it to yourself to seek the best care available to you no matter what is going on in your life or with your family. It truly matters who you choose to care for you. I am so happy with my choice, so much that I’ve recommended him to others!
- I am emotional. And there isn’t anything in the world wrong with that. It seems I’ve shed my share of tears within this last month, but it hasn’t all been because I’ve been worried or scared. Things affect me greater now like even being sent a video recommendation from a friend that resulted in tears falling like rain. Why? Because it was the sweetest message in that song, and they wanted me to hear it.
- I am a good friend. During all of this, I have come to realize that I am the kind of friend I’d like to have. Did that sound weird? I check on people. I care deep within my soul about their well-being It matters to me when my friends are hurting – no matter if we talk daily or if we get so busy in life that we only talk every now and then. If I find out someone I love is hurting or going through something, I reach out to them to let them know I care and I’m here for them. And I mean it with my whole heart. Sadly, I have not had a whole lot of this during the past month’s recovery. The ones I have had it from were surprisingly MEN! Yep, you got it. My women friends haven’t really bothered at all, which has caused a little bit of sadness and disappointment, but I realize that’s life. People aren’t going to do for me what I would do for them. They just don’t. And it’s been proven. But, there are good people in the world that DO check up on me and care for me. I have known for a while that I get along better with men, older women, and children. That’s no secret. I have one gentleman coworker that checks on me almost daily, if it hasn’t been every single day since this all started. It was a surprise, really, but I’ve appreciated his care and concern. My boss has checked in on me several times as well. He’s a really great guy! I also have guy friends in other states that have reached out, but one such gentleman in New Zealand has let me know he cares just recently when he realized I had been absent from Facebook. He’s the only one from a group I met online 20 years ago to check in on me. He tried to make excuses for the others, but if they wanted to check on me, they would have. I’ve been there through a lot of their family things through the years – really hard things they had to endure, but that’s okay that I’ve walked this without them. He’s still by my side, and I’m grateful.
- I am a survivor. I’ve been through some hard things in my life that could have destroyed me, yet I did not allow it to do so. With my faith in God, I have conquered, and with His help, I have climbed the mountains and have stood at the very top praising Him! I can’t honestly say that I’ve praised Him in the midst of trials, because this one is hard to do at times. But, I have tried. I know without a doubt that I’ve clung to Him like never before, though. In the midst of hard times when I’m struggling, you will find me praying to God for help and guidance. He is the first one I turn to!
- I use what I’ve been through to help others in their time of need. I will be the first person to lend a helping hand or at least offer to help someone who is struggling. I realize the importance of being there for people, and that is my goal to be there so no one ever has to feel alone again. Going through the surgery, I still had this on my heart and mind, thus the reason I invited a gentleman to Christmas lunch with my family. He was going to spend the day alone with his dogs, but I could not sit in my warm house surrounded by the love from my family, laughing and enjoying the day, known he sat alone in his house not feeling the warmth of love around him. Three days after surgery, I extended an invitation for him to have Christmas with us – complete with gifts I purchased for him prior to the surgery as well. And I was honored when he accepted the invitation!
In closing, all of the things I’ve learned about myself have been positives. I’m not looking at anything in a negative light. I’m thankful God has given me the gift of another day to spend with my loved ones! Among all that has happened, I feel a closer bond with my family as well. It’s truly humbling when you can’t get off of the couch without assistance and have to depend on others to get in the shower, get dressed, and to even fix your meals. They have given me so much love and have truly cared for me, which has touched my heart. I don’t want to ever be a burden to my family, and thankfully, they have not made me feel as if I am at all. They have willingly given their time and have stayed with me, sometimes out of fear with everything that was happening, but always out of love. My husband’s employer has been super to allow him to be home with me for weeks working remotely, as well as allowing him to take me back and forth to all of the many doctor’s appointments. My daughters have been helping me at home also. I know I am BLESSED, and my heart is truly grateful!
The Saga Continues
I wish I could write a raving report of how wonderfully I’ve recovered after surgery. Yet, the saga continues, unfortunately for me.
Three weeks after the first surgery, and a week after the second surgery, I rushed back to the doctor’s office due to passing bright red blood once again. ~heavy sigh~
At the doctor’s office, they took me in for an ultrasound. Then, seven vials of blood were drawn to test for any blood disorders that might be causing the excessive, abnormal bleeding after surgery. Finally, I was ushered into the room where I waited in my fashionable white sheet for the doctor to appear.
I have the most polite doctor, as he will knock on the door and ask, “May I come in?” each time. Once he enters the room, he flashes a smile and extends his hand to shake.
He began by apologizing for me having all of these issues after surgery, which certainly is not normal with a hysterectomy. The first week and a half, I was doing wonderfully and was so excited about how well things were going. Then, things started happening that baffled us with all of the bleeding. After a second surgery where he added eight figure-eight sutures to reinforce and close off the places that were bleeding, I was back due to more unexplained bleeding!
Upon examination, the vaginal cuff, (the area remaining after the removal of the cervix), was still in tact, and the sutures looked good. However, the ultrasound revealed two blood clots inside my abdomen above the vaginal cuff. The doctor went on to explain that he believed this was where the bleeding was coming from but not from the actual incision site at all. He stated that he did not know the blood clots were there last Friday when he went back in to seal the incision to prevent bleeding. Now that extra sutures were added, it’s as secure as it could possibly be so the only explanation has to be that the body is trying to do what it naturally does by breaking down the blood clots to eliminate them. Once the body starts to do this, it with liquify, and then it will be released as such, thus the bleeding!
Since this all has happened, my doctor is referring me to a hematologist/oncologist. I became extremely nervous when I heard those words. Wanting to interrupt him in mid sentence but realizing how rude that was, I waited until he finished speaking signaling it was my turn. I explained the nervousness I had when hearing those words, and I asked if he thought I had cancer. He said he did not but the hematologist specializes in blood disorders. Being that I’ve had significant trouble with bleeding after surgery, he believes there may be an underlying blood disorder that we don’t know about just yet. While this won’t help with the current bleeding issue, it will help should I ever require another surgery in the future. The doctor went on to explain that there are things they can put into the IV prior to surgery to help cut down on the bleeding if one does have a disorder.
Now, you know I’m praying about this and asking everyone else to pray as well. I am a firm believer in God and in the power of prayer! I know there is power in the number of people who gather at the foot of the throne on your behalf as well. “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” Matthew 18:20 KJV. If you’re reading this, please say a prayer for me, if you wouldn’t mind. Thank you!
I don’t want anything bad to be wrong. This surgery was considered major surgery. The first surgery date of December 22, 2017 and the second surgery date of January 5, 2018 seem so far away. And honestly, it’s unnerving at times that I’m still having complications. It’s more of a nuisance bleed at this point, from what the doctor said, but it still shouldn’t be happening, so we need to find out why it is an issue.
In the midst of all of this, I do truly realize how blessed I am, though. My situation pales in comparison with what so many are going through. Honestly, I was brought to tears upon checking in on my blogger friend’s little boy on the way home from one of many of my latest appointments. When I was hoping to find cheerful news, instead, I was shaken to my core when I read that the four-year-old little boy’s time on earth was nearing to a close. I stopped reading and just sobbed for him and his parents. While I didn’t know them personally, we became friends by meeting as bloggers on a site … and I have followed their heartbreaking story. I have smiled at his antics when he’d dance around in the videos his parents so graciously shared with the world. And my heart broke into a million pieces when I read that Gabriel slipped from this world while being cradled in his mother’s loving arms. Please say a prayer for his parents and for everyone who knew and loved Gabriel. I loved his sweet smile and how he’d bounce around. I am thankful that his parents shared him with the rest of the world, and my heart is so saddened by the loss of this precious little boy.
It is times like this that I feel so incredibly selfish for speaking of the complications I have had. His family has endured far more than they ever should have had to in this lifetime. And here I sit speaking of my problems that pale in comparison. I know that sweet family is grieving and hurting so deeply. It really helps me stop feeling sorry for myself and urges me to reach out to them in some way to offer my condolences. Although words will never heal at a time like this, I can offer my prayers and take them to the Almighty God who WILL wrap His loving arms around them and comfort as only He can at this most difficult time.
Thank you for reading where my thoughts take me – sometimes all the way around the world it seems. But they need to come out, and I am thankful for this outlet right here at my disposal where I can allow my thoughts and feelings to pour out over my keyboard and into this blog.
This is me. This is my story. I pray this is just a bump in the road and good times are coming for me! I trust and believe. And I claim it in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour!
Minor Setback
One of my fears going into this surgery was the fear of any complications developing during the surgery or afterwards. Thankfully, the surgery went well. However, two weeks after the first surgery, much to my horror, I started bleeding profusely! My doctor tried one option to stop the bleeding Thursday, but it failed and overnight I started bleeding more than before. It was frightening! Thankfully, my doctor was on call that night when we reached out at 1:00 a.m. to let him know what was happening. He instructed me to go to the emergency room if the bleeding grew worse, but if I could hold off until the morning, then he would meet me at his office before they even opened. As you can imagine, I got very little sleep between worrying and praying for God to help me!
Bright and early, we were on the road to his office. They took me back right away and immediately tested my hemoglobin, blood pressure and temperature. My blood pressure was down from the day before, although it was because I took an Ativan overnight to calm me. My temperature was still 99, which they considered a low-grade fever. While I had a good hemoglobin count, the potential of bleeding out over the weekend was there if they could not get this under control. That scared the daylights out of me!
He tried a second option, which usually works in places where he is unable to put sutures. Thankfully, my doctor would not let me leave, (since we live over an hour away from his office), until he could see whether the second treatment option would work. After an hour and a half, it was clear what step needed to be taken when the bleeding returned. After two failed in-office procedures, going back for surgery was the only surefire way to ensure the bleeding stopped.
Everything seemed to happen so fast after that when I heard, “Clear my schedule and get her into the operating room stat!”
I faded in and out after that. I vaguely remember the doctor asking if he had permission to do whatever was necessary to save my life. YES!
I have memories of the nurse that took me back and started reading off my diagnosis and what I was having done. When she got to “depression” as one of my diagnoses, I said, “Yes, and it is directly related to what is going on with me right this minute.” As I was saying that, the second nurse appeared, and I believe God placed her in my path on purpose. She shared with me that she, too, had this happen after her hysterectomy so she could completely understand how scary this was and how it affects you. It meant so much for her to share her story and to also give me hope that although this did set me back on my recovery, all would be well in the end. God knows exactly what you need right when you need it, doesn’t He? Of all the people to be placed in my path that morning, God chose her to encourage me when I was feeling so afraid and alone.
My doctor came in and prayed with my husband and I. Next, I remember wondering why they didn’t give me something to knock me out before wheeling me into the operating room. I looked around, beginning to get more anxious as I saw the inside of the operating room. I didn’t want to see that. I didn’t want to remember them getting me into position. Nothing. I wanted to be out for ALL of that … and about that time, I faded out once more.
The next memory was waking up in the recovery room with a nice nurse greeting me with a smile and offering me a cup of water. She took her time explaining in great detail what happened, what to expect, and what my discharge instructions were. My doctor had already called in an antibiotic to help ensure I wouldn’t get an infection since they had to go back in. I am to see him Friday for a follow-up to see how I’m healing. I pray things progress well and there will not be any more setbacks. I just want to feel like myself again!
I have had so many feelings throughout all of this. People have surprised me. The ones I thought would be there, haven’t been. The ones I didn’t think would, have been the very ones to step up and support me throughout this entire ordeal. I’ve had unexpected people checking up on me, while others have walked away. Some read my struggles without commenting, and that is okay. I didn’t post ANY of this here on my blog or on Facebook for any other reason than for people to pray for me. That’s all I want. We can never have too many people sending up prayers on our behalf, and I appreciate each and every person who took the time to pray for me! God hears each person, and I know there is power in numbers, too.
My advice if you ever have a loved one, friend, or acquaintance going through something like this, let them know you’re praying for them. It helps a whole bunch! When someone is struggling after surgery, realize that it is truly a traumatic experience for them. They need love, support, and encouragement. Don’t leave them in the midst of all of this! And don’t tell them to smile or downplay anything they are feeling either! I’m here to tell you that depression is real and so is post traumatic stress! I have experienced both and do not wish this on ANY one!
My husband and children have been wonderful throughout all of this. We have shared our fears and shed many tears. To say I’ve been emotional is definitely an understatement! I could burst into tears at literally any moment. They have encouraged me, surrounded me in my recliner, took my hands in theirs, and prayed for me several times. A lot of times people will say, “I’m praying for you …” or “I will pray …” without actually doing it. But they stopped right there and prayed out loud for me. And my heart was filled with a new love and appreciation for them.
As I take time to heal, I am clinging to God, my family, and the words of that angel God put in my path. “This is just a minor setback, and you will be good from here on out. It is worth it, I promise! You will see!”
