Silence
Sometimes when you’re going through hard things in life, your friends simply cannot handle it. Maybe you’re too much for them. Maybe they expect sunshine and rainbows, but you’re cloudy on most days due to everything you’re dealing with. If they only want you around when you’re smiling and happy, then they aren’t the friends for you. Realistically, no one will be smiling and happy 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. If someone expects this from you, RUN!!!!!
I want real friends.
The type that will rally around you on your darkest days, holding you up if need be, but never letting you think for one minute that you have to face this alone.
Real friends who dry your tears and some times cry with you.
Friends who wrap their arms around you and let you know that it’s going to be okay. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But at some point, things are going to get better!
I do not want “friends” that are only in this for what they can gain. An example is a male “friend” trying to “be there” for me in hopes that he’ll “score” at some point. No, I’m sorry, but THAT is, first of all, uncalled for, and secondly, NOT being a FRIEND at all!!! While I believe that some men can actually be friends with women, not all are seeking friendship! That has been made painfully clear to me by a person making suggestive remarks on how we could “get down” after the surgery. This should come as no surprise, though, as they’re constantly posting inappropriate pictures and sexual related material on their pages.
I also do not want “friends” who are only interested in gathering information so they can gossip about me. I have little desire to be the topic of conversation or your bashing sessions.
Silence.
That’s what is felt when you realize your so-called-friends are not really and truly what you need in life.
Maybe they fall silent hoping you’ll run after them. Once you notice they’ve withdrawn, maybe they’re hoping you’ll prove how much you want this friendship by chasing after them to come back, be the friend you need … but that isn’t a true friend either, especially when you’re already going through so much! Why should you have to chase after someone at a time like this? You shouldn’t!
LET THEM GO!!!
Or maybe you’re the one that has fallen silent, feeling as if they aren’t the ones you need in your corner anyway due to the lack of compassion and understanding they’ve exhibited thus far.
I’ll admit, I’ve been the one recently to fall silent with a few people. And I do not feel bad about it.
I’ve gone on and on about so-called-friends. Now allow me to share regarding the real friends in my life.
I’ve been completely humbled by the outpouring of love and prayers from a few select people who had an inside look into what I’ve been struggling with. These people prayed for me, genuine, heartfelt prayers from their lips to God’s ears begging for some relief of what I’ve been going through. They went further from prayers and checking in with me to offering money when the insurance denied the appeal for the surgical procedure I so needed in order to find relief. Fearing the worst, knowing I needed the surgery, yet the insurance was appealing, they were willing to fund my surgical procedure! I didn’t ask … they offered … and my heart was overwhelmed with emotions as I cried at my desk the day they so unselfishly offered. Now, thankfully, the medicine has started working while the doctors submit the results of the tests the insurance company required, and we wait for their grand approval this time. But just knowing the offer was sincere and that they would be willing to do this for me, for my health and happiness, I was tremendously moved by their heart’s desire to help me in any way, even if that meant digging deep into their own pockets.
Those are the friends I want in my corner.
Not the ones that see or hear that I’m upset or having a rough time so they shy away. Not the ones that tell me to pull myself up by my boot straps when I’ve been prescribed anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medicine, and pain medicine. That should be a clue that it’s something bigger going on here than just needing to think positive!
I’m sure at some point, they will wonder when they “hear” my silence loud and clear. It is my hope that they will examine themselves and improve so they can be there in the future for someone else in need.
They won’t need to worry about me. If they can’t be bothered with me now, then let my silence speak.
Shout It From The Roof Tops
If you’ve followed along during the month of October, you know the saga continues with the insurance company. As part of their third denial after our appeals, they required that I go through a series of tests. One thing that was maddening was a portion of their denial letter that said the procedure we were requesting was not being allowed for the “convenience” of the patient.
Excuse me for a moment.
WHAT?!
Not for the convenience of the patient?
When you have bled for 42 days, so profusely at times that it interfered with your work and family life, it most certainly wasn’t a procedure (hysterectomy) requested for my convenience! Having extreme pain when dealing with three fibroids and adenomyosis that requires not just Advil or Tylenol for pain relief but an actual prescription pain pill, is most definitely also not for my convenience!
That part of their letter was offensive!
But, I did as the powers that be required at the insurance company. I had a thyroid study done in September, so we could strike that off of our list. The other two items, the pap and endometrial biopsy, was performed last Tuesday. The biopsy was extremely uncomfortable and painful at times. But, it was better than having a D&C that they originally scheduled me for after the insurance denied the hysterectomy.
Although I tried not to worry myself silly, there were moments when I did feel extreme anxiety as I waited for the results. My husband asked bright and early Monday morning if he should call the doctor’s office for an update. I promptly told him NO!!! Let the doctor’s office call US!
As I waited, I kept whispering little prayers what seemed like every waking moment. I also kept reciting Faith Over Fear. Then Jeremiah 29:11 came to mind. I recited that verse as well and also claimed By Your Stripes We Are Healed!
Yesterday afternoon as I got up from my desk and walked across the room, my phone rang. I almost didn’t turn back to answer it, but then I thought I’d better! As I reached for my cell phone, I could see the doctor’s office name and number glowing back at me. I did hold my breath for a moment, then answered the phone. With the phone pressed to my ear and anxiety filling my body, I listened as the nurse said, “The biopsy was benign.” She kept right on talking, but I could contain my relief no longer! I said, “OH THANK GOD!!!!”
The nurse kept on talking, but I was still back there rejoicing in the news my heart longed to hear!
The biopsy was benign – meaning no cancer!
Praises to God above!!!
At that moment, I wanted to shout it from the roof tops!
After I listened to the nurse talk about how they were submitting the results to the insurance company with yet another request for the hysterectomy to see what they will do now, I returned to my desk glowing! I know I had to be! I immediately told my coworker, and although she was glad to hear it, I wanted someone to actually celebrate with me! So I went looking for my other coworker in the back. He was really happy for me, and I felt better! Then I texted my oldest daughter since she was in class.
By that time, it was time for me to pick my youngest daughter up from school, so I gathered my belongings and went to my car. Once seated, I called my husband to give him the good news. Then I started trying to call my dad. I knew he’d be so relieved as he’s prayed and worried, too. We played phone tag for a while, then we finally were able to talk. I could hear the relief in his voice! My 71-year-old father sounded as if the biggest weight had been lifted off of his shoulders!
I took to Facebook to share my good news as well.
Honestly, if I could have shouted it from the roof tops with people not thinking I was looney and not getting locked up, I would have!
That was the best news yesterday!
Now, I do realize we’re still waiting on the insurance company to decide whether they will grant the surgery now after completing their required tests. I know that once it’s been approved, the surgery won’t be a walk in the park. It is still major surgery, and there will be pain management and the recovery period. I have more to face, but for now, I’m celebrating and rejoicing!
Thank you, God, for the wonderful news. Thank you for being with me and close to me in my darkest hours.
A Ghost From My Past
It has been five years since I have seen or talked to this person. Yet, Sunday, I encountered a ghost from my past.
Pulling into the parking lot at the local grocery store, I spotted a car that she used to drive. Not letting that keep me from shopping, I entered the store and went about my business. On the second aisle, I was behind a lady in baggy jeans with jewels on the pocket. Her hair was long, but shorter than it was at one point when we worked together. And it was streaked with more gray than I remembered before. Even still, I wasn’t sure if that was her since she didn’t turn around.
I went about my business until about three more aisles later, she walked up behind me, as I turned to the side looking for a specific brand of bread, and said, “Shirley, is that you?”
Insert loud GROAN here!
Spinning around on my heels, I exchanged niceties with her. I knew her sole purpose was to be nosey, and it didn’t take her two seconds to inquire, “What are you doing now?” Much like my husband when he doesn’t want to answer something, I repeated her question … mainly so he could hear it since he was nearby. He knows how she is, too.
“What am I doing now?”
“Yes … what are you doing now?”
I hesitated for a moment thinking what I’d really love to say is, “Getting groceries, just like you …” but not wishing to be rude, I also considered, “Riding horses …” as she knows nothing of my interest in or love for horses.
Instead, I looked her in the eyes and responded, “I’m the office manager for a local cemetery and help out at the funeral home.”
She wrinkled her nose and said, “Ugh … do you like it? I don’t think I could work at a place like that.”
To which I promptly responded, “Actually, I do … I love it!”
Obviously that wasn’t the answer she was looking for as she was quick to shut the conversation down after that and go on down the aisle.
I believe she wished for me to be miserable so she could gloat over it, just as she and other previous coworkers did five years ago when I left the agency.
The thing is, I am honestly happy right where I am!
My boss is wonderful now whereas I had a tyrant of a boss previously at the agency.
My coworkers actually help each other and perform tasks as a team, unlike the agency where there was throwing of papers across my desk by other coworkers in their fits of rage toward me. Or, in the case of the ghost from my past, she was a slacker, bragged about how slack she was, and yet my reward was getting to do her work. I’ll never understand that.
My clients appreciate the smile I offer when they walk into my office. They treat me with respect and appreciate my efforts. I design the last gift they can give their loved ones this side of Heaven, and I don’t take that lightly. It is an honor and a privilege to assist the families in this capacity. Even on the funeral home side, I’m helping them in their greatest time of need, when grief is all-consuming for them at times. I sit and listen to their stories, offer my sincere condolences, and some times all they really need is a listening ear and soft heart to let them know you care.
This is the most rewarding job I could ever have.
I’m not some pencil pusher trying to get Medicaid or Insurance claims to go through, practically pulling my hair out when there was a “glitch” in their system. And there seemed to ALWAYS be a “glitch” in their system! I’m not someone who gets abused or bullied on a daily basis as what was happening five years ago at work from my boss and coworkers. I’ll never understand how an agency in the business of helping people would allow this kind of treatment of their employees. It isn’t like they were not made aware of it, either, as I went to the top, except for involving the Board of Directors. However, I was made painfully aware that it didn’t matter what I said because it fell on deaf ears.
The best thing I ever did was get myself out of that unhealthy and toxic work environment.
God provided, just as I knew he would. Just like the bible verse assured me, God had great plans for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) And He has! Thank you, God, for giving me the courage to get myself out of that bad situation. I had no idea what would come after leaving the agency, but here I am, five years later extremely happy in my position at work, loving life, and looking forward to getting dressed and coming into work.
When you encounter a ghost from your past that really wants to see you failing and miserable, just smile, like I did this weekend. No matter how much they want to see you suppressed so they can gloat over you, hold your head up high and allow God’s goodness to shine forth in your life.
