A Ghost From My Past
It has been five years since I have seen or talked to this person. Yet, Sunday, I encountered a ghost from my past.
Pulling into the parking lot at the local grocery store, I spotted a car that she used to drive. Not letting that keep me from shopping, I entered the store and went about my business. On the second aisle, I was behind a lady in baggy jeans with jewels on the pocket. Her hair was long, but shorter than it was at one point when we worked together. And it was streaked with more gray than I remembered before. Even still, I wasn’t sure if that was her since she didn’t turn around.
I went about my business until about three more aisles later, she walked up behind me, as I turned to the side looking for a specific brand of bread, and said, “Shirley, is that you?”
Insert loud GROAN here!
Spinning around on my heels, I exchanged niceties with her. I knew her sole purpose was to be nosey, and it didn’t take her two seconds to inquire, “What are you doing now?” Much like my husband when he doesn’t want to answer something, I repeated her question … mainly so he could hear it since he was nearby. He knows how she is, too.
“What am I doing now?”
“Yes … what are you doing now?”
I hesitated for a moment thinking what I’d really love to say is, “Getting groceries, just like you …” but not wishing to be rude, I also considered, “Riding horses …” as she knows nothing of my interest in or love for horses.
Instead, I looked her in the eyes and responded, “I’m the office manager for a local cemetery and help out at the funeral home.”
She wrinkled her nose and said, “Ugh … do you like it? I don’t think I could work at a place like that.”
To which I promptly responded, “Actually, I do … I love it!”
Obviously that wasn’t the answer she was looking for as she was quick to shut the conversation down after that and go on down the aisle.
I believe she wished for me to be miserable so she could gloat over it, just as she and other previous coworkers did five years ago when I left the agency.
The thing is, I am honestly happy right where I am!
My boss is wonderful now whereas I had a tyrant of a boss previously at the agency.
My coworkers actually help each other and perform tasks as a team, unlike the agency where there was throwing of papers across my desk by other coworkers in their fits of rage toward me. Or, in the case of the ghost from my past, she was a slacker, bragged about how slack she was, and yet my reward was getting to do her work. I’ll never understand that.
My clients appreciate the smile I offer when they walk into my office. They treat me with respect and appreciate my efforts. I design the last gift they can give their loved ones this side of Heaven, and I don’t take that lightly. It is an honor and a privilege to assist the families in this capacity. Even on the funeral home side, I’m helping them in their greatest time of need, when grief is all-consuming for them at times. I sit and listen to their stories, offer my sincere condolences, and some times all they really need is a listening ear and soft heart to let them know you care.
This is the most rewarding job I could ever have.
I’m not some pencil pusher trying to get Medicaid or Insurance claims to go through, practically pulling my hair out when there was a “glitch” in their system. And there seemed to ALWAYS be a “glitch” in their system! I’m not someone who gets abused or bullied on a daily basis as what was happening five years ago at work from my boss and coworkers. I’ll never understand how an agency in the business of helping people would allow this kind of treatment of their employees. It isn’t like they were not made aware of it, either, as I went to the top, except for involving the Board of Directors. However, I was made painfully aware that it didn’t matter what I said because it fell on deaf ears.
The best thing I ever did was get myself out of that unhealthy and toxic work environment.
God provided, just as I knew he would. Just like the bible verse assured me, God had great plans for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) And He has! Thank you, God, for giving me the courage to get myself out of that bad situation. I had no idea what would come after leaving the agency, but here I am, five years later extremely happy in my position at work, loving life, and looking forward to getting dressed and coming into work.
When you encounter a ghost from your past that really wants to see you failing and miserable, just smile, like I did this weekend. No matter how much they want to see you suppressed so they can gloat over you, hold your head up high and allow God’s goodness to shine forth in your life.
Depression
Yesterday on Facebook, I shared an article regarding depression. I shared this in hopes to bring awareness. There are a lot of people believing you can “choose” to be happy. I was one of them for a long time giving that message here on this very blog. When you are dealing with someone who has depression issues, though, it isn’t quite so simple. Unfortunately, I speak from experience having dealt with friends and family members with depression, and I have also battled depression several times throughout my 46 years.
For me, depression is more “situational” than a disorder or anything more chronic. What I mean by that is if situations are seemingly out of my control and the situation seems to not have a resolution in sight, I tend to get depressed. Once the situation improves, so does my depression.
I’ll give you a few examples of my “situational” depression through the years:
- Divorce from hell
- Ruptured Ectopic Pregnancy requiring emergency surgery
- My sister’s suicide
- My husband’s pornography addiction
- Issues at work – sexual harassment or bullying
- Seeing my children struggling
- Female issues with the insurance denying coverage on a much needed surgery
The above list is times in my life when I have felt the situation was hopeless at that moment in time, and I was given anti-depressants to deal with some of it. I most definitely was given anti-depressants when I had the ruptured ectopic pregnancy because I lost my left tube when it ruptured resulting in half of my changes of becoming pregnant again being taken away. And, let’s not forget that although the doctor said it wasn’t a viable pregnancy since it was in my tube, I lost the baby my heart so desired! I cried for days and weeks, so the doctor prescribed medicine for me to help. The same thing happened when we lost my sister to suicide. Just recently, due to all of the trouble with the insurance company and the health issues I am having, I was prescribed anti-depressants Monday to help cope with the situation. I have yet to take them this time, though.
It isn’t as easy as some people think to “get over” a situation that has really troubled your heart or a situation you feel you have no control over. Some people think if you just change your attitude or read a positive inspirational speaker’s book everything else will follow suit. Or, if you just exercise more or try to eat better, your life will turn back around due to your healthier lifestyle. If that was the case, there wouldn’t be a need for anti-depressants to even be on the market at all. People would be able to solve their own problems by lacing up their shoes to go for a run, as implied yesterday worked for the author.
For me, I can pinpoint what lead to my situational depression. With all of the health issues going on, I was not able to sleep. Even when I tried, I was awaken by the issue letting itself be known once again by way of pain or bleeding. If you go a few days without sleep, it will really wear on you. The result for me is crying all over everyone after days of no sleep! When the pain is so great that you are forced awake and Tylenol won’t touch the pain you’re in, you begin to feel helpless, which leads to feeling extremely low and in a depressed state. Then top it all off with the insurance denials, it seems there will not be any end to your pain and suffering because no medicine they have given you will make it stop nor ease the pain.
I’m sorry but exercising, reading an inspirational book, or trying to think positive does NOT help me when I’ve been in pain and haven’t slept. That’s just the facts! Now, after I have improved slightly this week, things don’t seem quite so bleak at the moment. I hesitated to even write that for fear the issues will rear their ugly heads even stronger than before.
The purpose of this post is to just tell you to tread lightly with people who are struggling. Whether they have chronic depression or “situational” depression, do NOT tell them to “snap out of it”, “pull yourself up by your boot straps,” or anything of the sort. Instead, be compassionate! If you have never faced what the person is dealing with, consider yourself blessed. Being that you don’t know their pain, whether it’s physical, emotional, or mental, you have no right to stand in judgement or tell them how to feel better or handle the situation! They don’t need your advice, no matter how well-meaning it may be. What they need is your care, concern, love, and compassion. If you can’t extend those, then keep your mouth shut! Plain and simple.
Take it from someone who knows.
It hurts – depression truly does hurt.
Be kinder than usual. You have no idea what kind of battle people are truly facing!
Follow
There is a certain criteria that must be met in order to have surgery. Even though you’re suffering with severe pain and bleeding profusely, you still have to jump through the different hoops as set forth by the insurance company. It’s so hard to have a positive attitude – despite everyone telling me to look on the bright side – when three doctors have told you that a hysterectomy is needed, yet the insurance “powers that be” keep denying.
It’s frustrating and down right depressing!
I’m required to follow their rules and get a D&C first. Then Lord only knows what else they will “require” of me before I can get the surgery that will improve my quality of life.
If the pain wasn’t so bad … but no, you are doubled over in pain, with a heating pad on your stomach as your best friend on most days.
If the bleeding would just stop … but there is no relief in sight even on birth control pills. Heavy bleeding causes me to wake every 30 to 45 minutes, some times every hour, if I’m lucky.
But follow along I shall … Mr. Insurance Company.
It has to be a man in charge that is “requiring” all of this … yet another thing to torture me because I’m a woman.
Yep, I have a VERY bad attitude, and I don’t see that changing any time soon with what I am forced to endure.
With a husband that had a pornography addiction three short years ago, which caused an adversion toward me in the intimacy department … I’m not feeling too good about the current situation. He wants what I am not able to provide at this point, and when I do, I suffer and endure tremendous pain. I have done this just to make him happy. But, I have little confidence in his faithfulness now when I’m going through ALL of this … I was healthy before, and he was “addicted” to pornography and lusting after women. Yea, the odds are NOT in my favor at this point.
Sucks to be me right now.
This is me, being as real as I possibly can.
The light inside of me is EXTREMELY dim right now, and I’m asking “Where is GOD?”
I’m broken and pretty much hit bottom.
God, I NEED YOU! Show UP and HELP me!
