Shout It From The Roof Tops
If you’ve followed along during the month of October, you know the saga continues with the insurance company. As part of their third denial after our appeals, they required that I go through a series of tests. One thing that was maddening was a portion of their denial letter that said the procedure we were requesting was not being allowed for the “convenience” of the patient.
Excuse me for a moment.
WHAT?!
Not for the convenience of the patient?
When you have bled for 42 days, so profusely at times that it interfered with your work and family life, it most certainly wasn’t a procedure (hysterectomy) requested for my convenience! Having extreme pain when dealing with three fibroids and adenomyosis that requires not just Advil or Tylenol for pain relief but an actual prescription pain pill, is most definitely also not for my convenience!
That part of their letter was offensive!
But, I did as the powers that be required at the insurance company. I had a thyroid study done in September, so we could strike that off of our list. The other two items, the pap and endometrial biopsy, was performed last Tuesday. The biopsy was extremely uncomfortable and painful at times. But, it was better than having a D&C that they originally scheduled me for after the insurance denied the hysterectomy.
Although I tried not to worry myself silly, there were moments when I did feel extreme anxiety as I waited for the results. My husband asked bright and early Monday morning if he should call the doctor’s office for an update. I promptly told him NO!!! Let the doctor’s office call US!
As I waited, I kept whispering little prayers what seemed like every waking moment. I also kept reciting Faith Over Fear. Then Jeremiah 29:11 came to mind. I recited that verse as well and also claimed By Your Stripes We Are Healed!
Yesterday afternoon as I got up from my desk and walked across the room, my phone rang. I almost didn’t turn back to answer it, but then I thought I’d better! As I reached for my cell phone, I could see the doctor’s office name and number glowing back at me. I did hold my breath for a moment, then answered the phone. With the phone pressed to my ear and anxiety filling my body, I listened as the nurse said, “The biopsy was benign.” She kept right on talking, but I could contain my relief no longer! I said, “OH THANK GOD!!!!”
The nurse kept on talking, but I was still back there rejoicing in the news my heart longed to hear!
The biopsy was benign – meaning no cancer!
Praises to God above!!!
At that moment, I wanted to shout it from the roof tops!
After I listened to the nurse talk about how they were submitting the results to the insurance company with yet another request for the hysterectomy to see what they will do now, I returned to my desk glowing! I know I had to be! I immediately told my coworker, and although she was glad to hear it, I wanted someone to actually celebrate with me! So I went looking for my other coworker in the back. He was really happy for me, and I felt better! Then I texted my oldest daughter since she was in class.
By that time, it was time for me to pick my youngest daughter up from school, so I gathered my belongings and went to my car. Once seated, I called my husband to give him the good news. Then I started trying to call my dad. I knew he’d be so relieved as he’s prayed and worried, too. We played phone tag for a while, then we finally were able to talk. I could hear the relief in his voice! My 71-year-old father sounded as if the biggest weight had been lifted off of his shoulders!
I took to Facebook to share my good news as well.
Honestly, if I could have shouted it from the roof tops with people not thinking I was looney and not getting locked up, I would have!
That was the best news yesterday!
Now, I do realize we’re still waiting on the insurance company to decide whether they will grant the surgery now after completing their required tests. I know that once it’s been approved, the surgery won’t be a walk in the park. It is still major surgery, and there will be pain management and the recovery period. I have more to face, but for now, I’m celebrating and rejoicing!
Thank you, God, for the wonderful news. Thank you for being with me and close to me in my darkest hours.
A Ghost From My Past
It has been five years since I have seen or talked to this person. Yet, Sunday, I encountered a ghost from my past.
Pulling into the parking lot at the local grocery store, I spotted a car that she used to drive. Not letting that keep me from shopping, I entered the store and went about my business. On the second aisle, I was behind a lady in baggy jeans with jewels on the pocket. Her hair was long, but shorter than it was at one point when we worked together. And it was streaked with more gray than I remembered before. Even still, I wasn’t sure if that was her since she didn’t turn around.
I went about my business until about three more aisles later, she walked up behind me, as I turned to the side looking for a specific brand of bread, and said, “Shirley, is that you?”
Insert loud GROAN here!
Spinning around on my heels, I exchanged niceties with her. I knew her sole purpose was to be nosey, and it didn’t take her two seconds to inquire, “What are you doing now?” Much like my husband when he doesn’t want to answer something, I repeated her question … mainly so he could hear it since he was nearby. He knows how she is, too.
“What am I doing now?”
“Yes … what are you doing now?”
I hesitated for a moment thinking what I’d really love to say is, “Getting groceries, just like you …” but not wishing to be rude, I also considered, “Riding horses …” as she knows nothing of my interest in or love for horses.
Instead, I looked her in the eyes and responded, “I’m the office manager for a local cemetery and help out at the funeral home.”
She wrinkled her nose and said, “Ugh … do you like it? I don’t think I could work at a place like that.”
To which I promptly responded, “Actually, I do … I love it!”
Obviously that wasn’t the answer she was looking for as she was quick to shut the conversation down after that and go on down the aisle.
I believe she wished for me to be miserable so she could gloat over it, just as she and other previous coworkers did five years ago when I left the agency.
The thing is, I am honestly happy right where I am!
My boss is wonderful now whereas I had a tyrant of a boss previously at the agency.
My coworkers actually help each other and perform tasks as a team, unlike the agency where there was throwing of papers across my desk by other coworkers in their fits of rage toward me. Or, in the case of the ghost from my past, she was a slacker, bragged about how slack she was, and yet my reward was getting to do her work. I’ll never understand that.
My clients appreciate the smile I offer when they walk into my office. They treat me with respect and appreciate my efforts. I design the last gift they can give their loved ones this side of Heaven, and I don’t take that lightly. It is an honor and a privilege to assist the families in this capacity. Even on the funeral home side, I’m helping them in their greatest time of need, when grief is all-consuming for them at times. I sit and listen to their stories, offer my sincere condolences, and some times all they really need is a listening ear and soft heart to let them know you care.
This is the most rewarding job I could ever have.
I’m not some pencil pusher trying to get Medicaid or Insurance claims to go through, practically pulling my hair out when there was a “glitch” in their system. And there seemed to ALWAYS be a “glitch” in their system! I’m not someone who gets abused or bullied on a daily basis as what was happening five years ago at work from my boss and coworkers. I’ll never understand how an agency in the business of helping people would allow this kind of treatment of their employees. It isn’t like they were not made aware of it, either, as I went to the top, except for involving the Board of Directors. However, I was made painfully aware that it didn’t matter what I said because it fell on deaf ears.
The best thing I ever did was get myself out of that unhealthy and toxic work environment.
God provided, just as I knew he would. Just like the bible verse assured me, God had great plans for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) And He has! Thank you, God, for giving me the courage to get myself out of that bad situation. I had no idea what would come after leaving the agency, but here I am, five years later extremely happy in my position at work, loving life, and looking forward to getting dressed and coming into work.
When you encounter a ghost from your past that really wants to see you failing and miserable, just smile, like I did this weekend. No matter how much they want to see you suppressed so they can gloat over you, hold your head up high and allow God’s goodness to shine forth in your life.
Depression
Yesterday on Facebook, I shared an article regarding depression. I shared this in hopes to bring awareness. There are a lot of people believing you can “choose” to be happy. I was one of them for a long time giving that message here on this very blog. When you are dealing with someone who has depression issues, though, it isn’t quite so simple. Unfortunately, I speak from experience having dealt with friends and family members with depression, and I have also battled depression several times throughout my 46 years.
For me, depression is more “situational” than a disorder or anything more chronic. What I mean by that is if situations are seemingly out of my control and the situation seems to not have a resolution in sight, I tend to get depressed. Once the situation improves, so does my depression.
I’ll give you a few examples of my “situational” depression through the years:
- Divorce from hell
- Ruptured Ectopic Pregnancy requiring emergency surgery
- My sister’s suicide
- My husband’s pornography addiction
- Issues at work – sexual harassment or bullying
- Seeing my children struggling
- Female issues with the insurance denying coverage on a much needed surgery
The above list is times in my life when I have felt the situation was hopeless at that moment in time, and I was given anti-depressants to deal with some of it. I most definitely was given anti-depressants when I had the ruptured ectopic pregnancy because I lost my left tube when it ruptured resulting in half of my changes of becoming pregnant again being taken away. And, let’s not forget that although the doctor said it wasn’t a viable pregnancy since it was in my tube, I lost the baby my heart so desired! I cried for days and weeks, so the doctor prescribed medicine for me to help. The same thing happened when we lost my sister to suicide. Just recently, due to all of the trouble with the insurance company and the health issues I am having, I was prescribed anti-depressants Monday to help cope with the situation. I have yet to take them this time, though.
It isn’t as easy as some people think to “get over” a situation that has really troubled your heart or a situation you feel you have no control over. Some people think if you just change your attitude or read a positive inspirational speaker’s book everything else will follow suit. Or, if you just exercise more or try to eat better, your life will turn back around due to your healthier lifestyle. If that was the case, there wouldn’t be a need for anti-depressants to even be on the market at all. People would be able to solve their own problems by lacing up their shoes to go for a run, as implied yesterday worked for the author.
For me, I can pinpoint what lead to my situational depression. With all of the health issues going on, I was not able to sleep. Even when I tried, I was awaken by the issue letting itself be known once again by way of pain or bleeding. If you go a few days without sleep, it will really wear on you. The result for me is crying all over everyone after days of no sleep! When the pain is so great that you are forced awake and Tylenol won’t touch the pain you’re in, you begin to feel helpless, which leads to feeling extremely low and in a depressed state. Then top it all off with the insurance denials, it seems there will not be any end to your pain and suffering because no medicine they have given you will make it stop nor ease the pain.
I’m sorry but exercising, reading an inspirational book, or trying to think positive does NOT help me when I’ve been in pain and haven’t slept. That’s just the facts! Now, after I have improved slightly this week, things don’t seem quite so bleak at the moment. I hesitated to even write that for fear the issues will rear their ugly heads even stronger than before.
The purpose of this post is to just tell you to tread lightly with people who are struggling. Whether they have chronic depression or “situational” depression, do NOT tell them to “snap out of it”, “pull yourself up by your boot straps,” or anything of the sort. Instead, be compassionate! If you have never faced what the person is dealing with, consider yourself blessed. Being that you don’t know their pain, whether it’s physical, emotional, or mental, you have no right to stand in judgement or tell them how to feel better or handle the situation! They don’t need your advice, no matter how well-meaning it may be. What they need is your care, concern, love, and compassion. If you can’t extend those, then keep your mouth shut! Plain and simple.
Take it from someone who knows.
It hurts – depression truly does hurt.
Be kinder than usual. You have no idea what kind of battle people are truly facing!
