Light, Love, Hope

I sit at my desk with the sunlight pouring through the window.  The leaves of a green plant seem to illuminate as it soaks up the light, even arching itself toward the light source.

I’ll be honest.  While I’ve written daily and attempted to share light, love, and hope with the world, I have been struggling.  While details aren’t necessary at this time, just know that it’s hard, so very hard to be positive and optimistic when you feel bad in every way possible.  Emotionally, I cry, deep from the core of my being.  Physically, my body aches and longs for relief; to sleep would be a welcomed reprieve.  Spiritually, I beg my God for help and healing.

I realize I’ve written all throughout this site that your positive or negative attitude is a choice you make daily.  While I still believe that, it is extremely hard to remain positive when you have deep issues going on concerning your health.  It truly affects every aspect of your life; work, family, friends.  It’s hard to live with something so debilitating.  You just don’t have a good quality of life like this at all.  And the kicker:  the insurance company has denied the hysterectomy.  My doctors are working on it at this time and are requesting a peer to peer review, but we are just a short time away from the surgery date.  I’m facing having to pay a large sum out of pocket for the surgery because I truly NEED it despite what the insurance company is saying.  It is disheartening when you spend thousands of dollars for good insurance, and yet when you need them the most, you’re denied.

With all that has happened recently, I’ll admit that my light has almost been snuffed out.  While I’ve been told to remain positive, it’s easier said than done.  The people saying it are good people, and they mean well.  I believe it with my whole heart.  They don’t mean to rip me to shreds with their words, yet I’m so incredibily sensitive at this time.  My nerves and feelings appear to be worn outwardly, and any little thing causes a sting or pain to race through my body.

I’m trying to pull myself up by my boot straps; another saying people love to throw at you.  I force a smile, even through the physical pain I feel.

I am trying.  And that is all that I can do at this time while praying for the Light of The World to wash over me and illuminate me like the sunlight upon the leaves of the green plant that sits on my desk.

The holidays will be upon us very soon.  Lots of stores have already started decorating and lining their shelves with Christmas ornaments, trees, and stockings.  In mid-October, it’s hard for me to settle on what gifts I’d like to give my family and friends.  I’m not really in the Christmas spirit when it’s still 90 degrees in the south!

I have come to realize that the greatest gift is not something you can buy in a store, though.  The gift of your time is far more important and will leave a lasting impression on the ones you give it to.

If you are still lucky enough to have your parents on this earth, think of how thrilled their hearts would be if you carved out time from your busy schedule to visit them.  I’ve always been a “Daddy’s Girl,” so I can’t go very long without at least talking to my father on the phone.   It just doesn’t feel right if too much time has passed and we haven’t spoken!  Just last night he called to find out how our recent trip went, and we had a really nice conversation.  He always puts me on speakerphone, which is something I have not always enjoyed, but it does give my mother a chance to get in on the conversation, too.  So, I do understand why he does it, plus I talk for a very long time if something is on my mind, so it probably saves his hand and arm from going to sleep.  Ha!

We take family time very seriously.  This Summer, we rented a cabin and all went for a long weekend in the mountains of Georgia.  My parents had the main floor all to themselves since it’s easier for them instead of climbing stairs to the second level.  My children had the basement with the pool table and other games, while my husband and I had the second level.  The cabin was big enough that we all could spread out but were still close enough to enjoy family time together.

If this isn’t a tradition in your family, why not consider it and see how it goes.  You’re bound to make memories that will last a lifetime, and your hearts will be full due to the time you all spend together.   You don’t have to limit yourself to just a few hours on holidays, unless you prefer it that way.  My family and I have always been close, so we enjoy our time together.

The greatest gift you can give someone is the gift of your time.

In this life, we will all have trials.  We will have things that bring us to our knees.  That’s when you realize that while you’re down there, you are in the perfect position to pray to God above!  I did just that last night myself.

A lot of times we get so wrapped up in our struggles that we forget there are those suffering far greater than us!

Greg and I have a long time friend, Charles, who passed away early yesterday morning around 3:40 a.m.   We knew Charles had been struggling for quite some time, but we hoped he had more time on this earth.  Toward the end, though, he just wanted his pain to end.  This reminded me of when my mother-in-law was battling her terminal cancer and the way she felt toward the end as well.

Today I don’t want to focus on the overwhelming sadness that poured over me when I learned Charles passed away.  Instead, I want to focus on the goodness that was all wrapped up in our Charles.

Close to 20 years ago, I came to discover a place called The Lifetime Lounge.  The television network, Lifetime, ran it, and at that time, I was addicted to watching their channel.  I ventured into their virtual world to check things out, and it ended up becoming one of my most favorite hang out spots online.

Daily I would scroll through the many posts on the Lifetime boards, and I would add my thoughts when people shared what they were going through.  Along came Fogel (because in those days, no one would dare use their real names online!).  It didn’t take me long to realize that although The Lifetime Lounge mainly consisted of women, there were a few men lurking as well.  Fogel made me smile with his shenanigans.  I would stare at my computer screen smiling like an idiot due to the things he would write.  Back and forth we would go, and oh the laughter we shared.

Little did I realize at the time, another man lurked behind the scenes.  It was none other than Greg!  He went by many names in the virtual world we would play in; ShyKnight, Gregor and The Mad Lurker are in the forefront of my mind as I reminisce on those days.  Fogel actually was friends with him in real life!

Back close to 20 years ago, I was going through a really hard time.  I was a newly separated mother trying to do the best I could for my one-year-old daughter after my husband left us.  I’ll be honest.  Life was hard as a struggling single mother.  But, along came two very funny and amusing men, Charles and Greg, to keep me smiling when I did not feel I could ever smile again.  They would send me care packages at work with items for me and my daughter.  I was taken by complete surprise when they first started doing this.  They hardly knew me, and yet they showed such kindnesses and compassion toward me.  And they never left my daughter out.  Not a single time!

While Charles eventually faded off into the background at one point, Greg remained an ever faithful presence in my life.  As I sit here with Charles and his family weighing so heavily on my mind, I am overcome with emotions as I realize Greg and I would not have the friendship we have today had it not been for Charles.  He brought us together.  Charles was a little more outspoken while Greg was the shy one.  It is because of Charles that I came to know Greg, and I can say with complete honesty that Greg has proven to be the truest friend I have ever had in my life.  Because of Charles, I have a friend of 20 years that I now consider part of my family.  We’ve had him at our house on many occasions, and this year, my daughter and I had the pleasure of visiting Greg and his aunt in Illinois after all of these years.

When we visited, my heart longed to see Charles and his family.  Yet, I knew in his condition, Charles would not allow me to visit.  Greg expressed my care and concern to Charles on several occasions, and Greg asked once more before Charles passed away if I could visit him.  I knew Charles would say no, but I had to ask any way, just one more time.  Despite Charles not allowing me to visit, I sent my love, hugs, and prayers to him and his entire family.  I asked Greg to relay a message to Charles days before he passed, and I have complete faith that Greg did just as I asked.

This entire situation has been so hard on Greg.  He has lost a lifelong friend, yet he forces himself to go to work and act normal when inside his heart is breaking.

I have such love in my heart and a deep feeling of gratitude toward Charles.  As I remember him, and all of the many conversations we had through the years, I will always thank him for the gift of introducing me to Greg.  Charles gave me the greatest friend I’ve ever had in this life.