Listen
We have all been guilty of this; not truly listening when someone is speaking, yet planning in our head what we are going to say when it is OUR turn to speak. Truth, huh? I know for me, I have definitely been guilty of just that. Yet, now I do try to listen intentionally to what a person is saying. I also try to listen to what they are NOT saying as well.
Anger is an emotion that can get the best of all of us at times. However, have you ever stopped to consider what message the person is really trying to display in their moments of anger? It’s hard to step back from someone in the heat of the moment when they’re wide eyed, red faced, and flaring their arms at you. But, if you try really hard not to get offended when they start and actually listen to them, you might just uncover that their anger is based off of either fear or shame.
Yep. That’s right.
Recently, I sat in silence at first when a person tried to start up with me. After trying really hard to tiptoe around the situation, I finally pointed out to the person that their anger was based off of shame. At that moment in time, they were ranting because in the past, they shamefully were not there when they should have been. Now they are having all of these feelings of inadequacies rushing in when someone else volunteers to step up and be there. That’s something deep within them for all the times that they chose not to be there in my time of need. When I went through a previous life threatening surgery and even when I fractured my hand and hip during a horse riding accident where a crazy horse threw me off, the person was emotionally distant and just chose not to be present when I truly needed them. That’s something they regret to this day, but it is something they will have to come to terms with. Getting angry because someone else volunteers to be present to help in a time of need is not going to solve the guilt and shame they feel deep within. That is something they will have to deal with on their own. And it should be a lesson learned to be present when someone needs you! Then you won’t have any regret, remorse or displaced anger later! You will have stepped up to the plate and been an honorable person and HELPED someone you proclaim to love.
I am not perfect and certainly never claimed to be, so I will admit my shortcomings this week as well in this department. I allowed fear to take over, and instead of voicing my concerns and what I was struggling with, I allowed it to spill out of me in the form of anger. It’s not right, but that is what happened, and I am woman enough to admit it. That particular day, I was awaiting a call from my doctor’s office. Deep in my heart, I knew they were going to tell me something was required that I absolutely did not want; surgery. My fear got the best of me, and my mouth would not stop spewing negativity! The more I talked, the angrier I became. But it was my fear at the root of it all. Once I recognized this, I apologized and then explained my craziness. It still doesn’t make it right, but at least I acknowledged what I was doing, where it came from, and apologized.
The next time someone comes at you with angry words, try really hard to read between the lines while listening to them in order to discover exactly what is at the root of it all. Is it fear or is it shame driving it?
Plan
There was a time I thought people were a little odd or maybe a little too morbid even to plan and prepare for their own funeral. I remember as a young child walking through the cemetery with my grandmother after my great-grandmother passed away. We were there to take her flowers, yet instead of a bronze marker for my great-grandmother, I saw my grandmother’s marker instead – the grandmother I was with at that moment who was still living! I’ll never forget the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and the tears that welled up inside of me when I turned to her to ask, “Why?!” She just smiled and said she wanted to see what it would look like before she passed, so why not? The whole concept was so foreign for me back then and my little mind didn’t want to even think about the possibility of losing my grandmother.
Fast forward about 36 years, and I have actually filled out papers at work for my “pre-need.” I didn’t plan on doing this when I did, honestly. With the news of my needing surgery and the doctor going over what “could” happen, I began to tell my coworker what my wishes were just in case something ever did happen to me. He didn’t want to even consider the possibility when I first started telling him that no one from the outside needs to be allowed to come “see” me. I told him of the “thrill seekers” that are among us who haven’t seen the deceased in years, yet they come to look at their lifeless bodies out of morbid curiosity. No, I do NOT want that at all! I used to work with a girl who told me she did this, so NO!
Anyway …
I don’t want to ever think of anything happening to me because I have two daughters who need me just as much as I need them. However, I have come to realize it is best to make your wishes known. Therefore, instead of just relying on my coworker to pass my wishes on, I walked over to the filing cabinet and pulled out a “pre-need” packet and started filling it out.
I’ll admit I was nervous completing the same paperwork I’m handed daily to input into our computer software at work. I struggled through filling out the paperwork that is used to write a person’s obituary, and then, I did one of the hardest things I think I have ever done. I wrote my own obituary. I sat at my desk fighting back tears as I wrote each word. Everyone wants someone to say nice things about them, and this is especially true when a person passes away. Yet, my obituary will be different. While there will be portions in there about me, there is also a deeper message within the body of the obituary. I have written so that my family will know without a shadow of a doubt how much I love them all and that my love is still right there with them. For you see, death cannot take that away from us … or from you or your loved ones for that matter. Love is eternal, and it lives on within the hearts of those who love you dearly on this earth and those you love as well.
Honestly, I had to stop several times during writing in order to regain my composure. My coworker walked past asking why I was torturing myself. Because, I want to leave behind a very clear message for my family in hopes to comfort them when that time comes. All they will have are the memories we shared, pictures we took together, and words I have written here within the contents of this blog, among the journals I started for them when I was anxiously awaiting their births … and the words written with such love to them in my obituary.
Truth
We’re now on day eight of the 31 day challenge for October. Instead of writing on a series for 31 days straight, I decided to take the easy way out and go with the prompt words to get me thinking. My posts seem to be all over the place right now, but I write on what comes to mind with each word. So actually, it ends up perfectly in line the way it’s supposed to be. There are no rules here, and there are no limitations – only those I place on myself.
The truth is that I’ve been slacking with writing on this blog. I lacked motivation or a desire to get on here and write. I wondered if it mattered any more what I had to say. Then I was reminded when my website statistic information was delivered at the beginning of the month that I do still have people visiting and following the blog. So, I needed to get back with it and write more often. Not because I have all of this wisdom to impart but because I still use it as a form of therapy. Also, if something I write helps just one person to know they are not alone in this great big ole world, then it is all worth it. The reality is there are days I may write and just pour my heart out and will only have an audience of One … but He is the most important one anyway, so that is all that truly matters.
Life can be so overwhelming at times. But it’s still beautiful. We can get bogged down in our daily tasks that we forget to appreciate everything and everyone around us.
Don’t take your loved ones for granted for there are those who are just saying goodbye to theirs at this moment in time. They won’t get another moment to stare at their phones in their loved one’s presence. There won’t be any more time left to say what they have on their hearts that needs to come out, yet their pride won’t allow it. Those times are gone as their loved ones slip from this world and into their Heavenly Home. I’m reminded of this daily due to my line of work. I’ve even had people say that I must have the worst job ever. I beg to differ for I get to assist families in their time of need. It is not always an easy thing to comfort those who grace the doors of our funeral home, but we take our job seriously and are there to serve the family in whatever capacity is needed. We meet them right where they are, deep in their grief sobbing uncontrollably or accepting with silence the finality of it all. I get to help on both the front end with the families at times as well as creating a monument or marker for their loved ones; the last gift they can give to them this side of Heaven. I’ve sat with many people who sob deep, heart wrenching sobs as they take this final step. It’s never an easy thing, but we take the time to create a tribute to help each time they visit the graveside.
Time goes by so fast. It seems to go even faster as we grow older. Find time in your busy day to appreciate your loved ones and just be with them. The truth is that nothing else matters in this life – not money, a big house, fancy cars, etc. Nothing matters but the time you spend with those you love. For when your time comes to leave this world, it isn’t the material possessions your loved ones will long for or reminisce about. Leave a legacy behind and memories that will carry them through the roughest times they will face without you.
