Light, Love, Hope

A friend loves at all times.  It’s in the bible, and we know we are to act according to God’s word.

Having any type of friendship comes with give and take.  When a friendship gets to the point where one party is always giving and the other party is always taking, then we have a problem.  When this happens, we can still love them, but we can choose to do so from afar.

I’ve come to accept that people are not going to be there for me in the ways that I am there for them.  It’s been proven time and time again with this one friendship in particular.  Therefore, I have come to have no expectations here with them at all.  None.  I know they will always fail me.  I realize they will never be there for me in my time of need, yet they expect me to be there for them.  And, I have.  Through many, many years, actually.  But, I can no longer be the glue that holds this friendship together.  OR the person that accepts less than I deserve from a friendship. OR the rock they lean on in troubled times just for me to be left all alone in my time of need. This one sided friendship has to go.

So this is me, drawing a line in the sand.

I accept where they are and the type of person they choose to be. I say “choose” because I realize it IS a choice they make time and time again.

No more.

I am done carrying this friendship that I have carried for 20 years.

I acknowledge the toxic friendship.  I accept what has come to pass.  And I am getting off of this one sided friendship train TODAY.

I still love the person, and it is okay for me to put up boundaries that should have been put in place a long time ago.  It’s called taking care of ME!

How self-aware are you?  I mean, really?

If someone walked up to you and asked this question, how would you respond:

“What is your greatest strength and greatest weakness?”

We’re not talking job interview answers.  Dig deeper than that.

Be honest with yourself, and answer the question.

I’ll go first.

I think my greatest strength is the love, care, concern, and compassion I have for others.  It isn’t just contained to the human race either.  All of these wonderful strengths extend to animals as well.  Whether it’s my 15 hand-high horse or my two pound Teacup Yorkie, my love is real, true, and deep.

There.  That was easy enough.  Now comes the hard part!

It’s so easy to talk about the good things about ourselves, but what about our weaknesses?  That’s a hard one because no one wants to admit that we’re weak in an area, and the last thing we want to do is reveal this weakness to others.

Yet, I have come to realize that my greatest weakness is the amount of time I invest in people who abuse the love I have in my heart for them.  For some strange reason, I don’t give up too easily on people.  Others would run screaming in the opposite direction any time drama starts to happen; drama that they know the individuals are creating themselves.  It is like a vaccum and sucks people in at first as they don’t realize what’s happening, and a small part of them wants to save or fix the person doing all of this.  We believe in our hearts that these people are better than the behavior they are exhibiting, and we think that our love will save them.  However, it soon becomes clear that we cannot save them from themselves!

In reality, I am no one’s savior.  I realize that I can love them through every drama filled moment, reeling them back in each time, and yet it will happen again, and again, and again. It isn’t so much that I’m “allowing” it to happen, though.  Sadly, people will often view it as such.   However, when you find out they are sick, as in a real diagnosis has been handed down, you still hang in there trying to help.  It’s harder to distance yourself when the person is a spouse and you have children together.  Maybe that will make people view it in the light that it should have been viewed in all along.

For me, my self-awareness brings my strengths and weaknesses together.  One leads directly into the other.  I care.  I love.  I extend compassion and concern.  And I and my feelings get trampled on by lies, deceit, and betrayal that goes along with their diagnosis.  It’s NOT fair to me or the children.

So yes, I am completely aware and yet find myself unable to stop the cycle.  I care, therefore I am stuck.  Yet, with each time this happens, a little bit of madness creeps in until one day, I will be able to take all the bricks that have been thrown at me to build a wall around my heart where that person is concerned.  And Lord help them when that day comes.

Change is hard.  We all know that.  With each thing you change, there is some pain involved.  It’s no different when you’re changing jobs, if you’re leaving under bad circumstances, or things in your life have gone crazy and you need to change things there.

I have a situation I’m facing right now that pains me greatly.  I cry.  I sob deep, heart wrenching sobs into my hands gripping my face in despair as I try to figure out my next step.  It’s difficult when I find it hard to even take in the next breath of air.  Yet, I have two beautiful daughter looking up to me, and I cannot let them down.

Living with someone that wreaks emotional havoc on you and your entire family is hard.  So is dealing with a bi-polar person or an addict of any kind, whether it’s a sex addict, porn addict, a drug addict or alcoholic.

You stare into the mirror, now see puffy eyes and a red nose looking back at you, and you know it’s time for a change.  Your heart cannot take doing this over and over and over again.

The “I’m sorry’s” are not enough.

The “But we love each other” fall short also at a time like this.

We are only allotted so many days on the face of this earth.  Why must there be so much struggle and strife in one individual’s life?  I’m not having a pity party over here.  I am asking real questions that only God knows the answer to, yet they linger in my mind.

I rationalize that it will hurt for a while.  There will be pain as I mourn the loss, just like you would if someone passed away.  Yet, the emotional turmoil is almost too great at times.  My heart can only take so much, and I’m not speaking figuratively in a romantic sort of way.  Health wise, you will begin to suffer if you live in this unhealthy environment.

Please pray that this change will go as smoothly as it can under the circumstances, with rational adults with level heads prevailing.

Pray for my children’s hearts and lives as we face the pain of change.