Light, Love, Hope

Change is hard.  We all know that.  With each thing you change, there is some pain involved.  It’s no different when you’re changing jobs, if you’re leaving under bad circumstances, or things in your life have gone crazy and you need to change things there.

I have a situation I’m facing right now that pains me greatly.  I cry.  I sob deep, heart wrenching sobs into my hands gripping my face in despair as I try to figure out my next step.  It’s difficult when I find it hard to even take in the next breath of air.  Yet, I have two beautiful daughter looking up to me, and I cannot let them down.

Living with someone that wreaks emotional havoc on you and your entire family is hard.  So is dealing with a bi-polar person or an addict of any kind, whether it’s a sex addict, porn addict, a drug addict or alcoholic.

You stare into the mirror, now see puffy eyes and a red nose looking back at you, and you know it’s time for a change.  Your heart cannot take doing this over and over and over again.

The “I’m sorry’s” are not enough.

The “But we love each other” fall short also at a time like this.

We are only allotted so many days on the face of this earth.  Why must there be so much struggle and strife in one individual’s life?  I’m not having a pity party over here.  I am asking real questions that only God knows the answer to, yet they linger in my mind.

I rationalize that it will hurt for a while.  There will be pain as I mourn the loss, just like you would if someone passed away.  Yet, the emotional turmoil is almost too great at times.  My heart can only take so much, and I’m not speaking figuratively in a romantic sort of way.  Health wise, you will begin to suffer if you live in this unhealthy environment.

Please pray that this change will go as smoothly as it can under the circumstances, with rational adults with level heads prevailing.

Pray for my children’s hearts and lives as we face the pain of change.

Life throws so much at us until we wonder how we can handle it all.  That is when you need to take some time away to just … play!

More often than not, you will find me laughing and being silly.  Some people appreciate this side of me while others aren’t too fond of it at all.   Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not being silly in a disrespectful way, nor am I being silly at an inappropriate time (ie: a funeral or in church).   Instead, there are times when my moments of silliness are at precisely the exact time I feel I am going to lose it.

Recently, we’ve dealt with my mother-in-laws fight with terminal cancer that lead to her agonzing death.  We had mixed feelings of relief now that she was no longer suffering, mixed in with feelings of guilt because who, in their right mind, things stuff like this when we’d rather have her here with us.  But … that is us selfishly wanting her on this earth, but not in the shape she was in during her last months, days, and even hours.

Then, as if months of this wasn’t enough, the 16th anniversary of my sister’s suicide rolled around.  That is always a hard time as so many bad memories come flooding in no matter how hard I try to block them out.  I can still feel the overwhelming emotions I had when pulling into her driveway to see cop cars every where and my father in such a helpless, broken state.  Although I try hard not to re-live those moments, they are there.  Thankfully, I did manage to make it through July 9th again this year despite all of that;  July 9th is otherwise known as our “D-Day.”

Instead of crawling in a hole or throwing the covers back over my head, as tempting as it is at times, I continue to move forward.  And, in doing so, I incorporate moments of play and silliness as well.  It helps heal my soul.

There are various ways in which I “play.”   From plucking my favorite horse from her pasture, sliding the bit into her mouth and grasping the reins as I softly sit on her bareback for a quick ride around the yard, to splashing my 12 year old daughter in our pool, to dancing wildly in the kitchen with my children laughing instead of joining in … all of which are good for my soul!

And so I ride …

I splash …

I dance …

Because although there are moments in life that bring us to our knees, God meets us there giving us the strength to go on.    We still have loved ones here that need us, and so we press on.  We have a purpose in this life, and as they some times say, “There is purpose in the pain.”   For me, there is distinct purpose in my play time!

It’s been a while since I’ve felt inspired enough to write.  Losing my mother-in-law in April took a toll on us all.  Having to see her in her final days and moments in the shape she was in was extremely hard, but it was worth it because we were there with her.  Even in what appeared to be a comatose state, I feel she knew we were all gathered around her; stroking her hair, holding her hand.

Life does not go back to normal after a loss such as this.  It changes people.  Some people struggle to the point that it brings out all the bad within them, while others grieve silently, unable to visit her gravesite or take flowers.

My family and I took flowers to my mother-in-law while she was in the hospital.  We wanted her to see the beauty of each rose petal and appreciate the fragrance that filled the room right then, while she still could.  I did the same with my sister before her passing as well.  Fresh bouqets of flowers brought a smile, even if only for a short while amongst the pain they were facing, both in their different ways.

So many times, we’d take granola and fruit parfaits to her bedside to encourage her to eat, even if it was just a few spoonfulls.  Now it’s hard to see a parfait because those thoughts come flooding in.

Yet, in the end, it was all worth it.

Each small gesture was appreciated and greeted by a weak smile from my mother-in-law.  In her sweet, soft voice, she’d say, “You didn’t have to do that …” but our hearts desired to do that and more for her.  If only our love could have cured her, as she had an army of love warriors surrounding her.

It’s still hard two months later.  My husband is the one that cannot bring himself to visit his mother’s grave.  I’ve offered to take flowers and be right there with him when he goes, but he can’t at this point.  Understandably so.

We wonder some times if our efforts matter.  I’m here to tell you that they do.  Each and every kind gesture, the smallest act of kindness, matters more than you can imagine.

… And is worth it.

People are worth it.

So love with all your might.  Extend your heart to others, even the ones that harbor hatred in theirs.  The battle isn’t with you.  It is the demons inside of them.  Continue to put on the armor of God and show love in all your ways.

In the end, it is worth it to touch a heart, a life, a soul.