In my effort to heal the pain inflicted on my heart by the toxic pastor and others in his church that I wrote about previously, I attended a women’s conference this past weekend at another church. It’s known that our phones “listen” to us, as we find topics we discuss with our friends or family now popping up on ads when you scroll Facebook. That was most definitely the case here, as the ad for the women’s conference popped up back in June after talking about church hurt. I knew the conference was a few months away, but at the time, I wanted to learn more about what this Christian author had to say on the subject.
Even though some time had passed and I moved on to surround myself with true Godly people, I had already signed up to attend the conference. So, this past Saturday, I drove 45 minutes to a nearby town alone to a church I had never been to before. I arrived a few minutes early and saw a few ladies walking into the church together. As I walked toward the door, I noticed a long table set up with workbooks for the conference. No one was “manning” the table, so I just assumed I was to pick up one of the workbooks and go inside to take my seat. No one greeted me. There was not anyone at the door when I walked inside. I found this rather odd, but honestly, nothing surprises me these days. Within a few minutes, a lady appeared saying she was coming, then nervously laughed as she said it was so hot outside she stepped in to cool off. I introduced myself, smiled, said thank you for her coming over, and walked down front to take a seat. There were ladies seated together in pairs or more talking amongst themselves. I slipped into the third row and sat alone. The church offered breakfast, so everyone was filing in from the fellowship hall when I noticed a familiar face. She was so pleasant as she came over to speak to me briefly and offered a hug before finding her friend and taking a seat beside her. Another lady I used to work with came by shortly thereafter, said “Hey,” and then quickly went to the back to take a seat. That was it. They were the only three people to speak to me that morning.
I was a new person at their church. No one greeted me initially. The sanctuary was filling up, and although three finally exchanged pleasantries, others did not welcome me at their church. It was almost as if I was invisible.
The conference started, the speaker began to pray, and I felt like someone was standing near me. I opened my eyes to find two ladies standing there who looked a little annoyed that I had my head bowed in prayer instead of acknowledging them. When I realized they were there, one asked with a tone, “Can we sit down?” I responded, “Oh, of course,” as I moved my legs to allow them to enter the row I was sitting on alone.
That was it. No one else spoke to me.
I wasn’t there for extended conversations. That wasn’t the point. I was there for the conference. However, it would have been nice for others at the church to acknowledge me, have awareness that I was there, and make me feel seen. Being welcomed and included might have been a stretch, as people don’t like to include “strangers.” So I wasn’t expecting too much that day.
After one session, the speaker told us to break for lunch that had been prepared for us. Everyone was to make their way to the fellowship hall. That was a nice touch. So, as we ended the session, everyone scattered to the available bathrooms and then on to the fellowship hall. I was a little later joining the rest of the ladies in the fellowship hall, so I was at the back of the line when it came to fixing my plate. That didn’t bother me. No one said anything despite me trying to smile and add to the joyful conversation. After I fixed my plate, I had to choose a table to sit at. I looked around at all of the ladies talking amongst themselves, then chose a nearby table. I approached and asked if they would mind if I sat with them (feeling like I was back in high school just wanting to be accepted and have someone to eat lunch with). The two ladies motioned like it was okay, so I took a seat at “their” table. I introduced myself, and they asked if I was with someone else. They looked at me like I had five heads when I told them I came alone. Then they asked how I heard about the conference. I explained the ad popped up on Facebook for the event that was open to the public, and I thanked them for holding such a conference for not just those in their church. I wanted to make sure I didn’t crash their party so to speak. Then they acknowledged that it was, indeed, open to the public. They asked a few more questions, but that was it. I tried to hold a conversation, but it just did not feel like a welcoming environment. We were only given 25 minutes for lunch, which also included the wait time for lines in the bathrooms, but I was pretty relieved when those minutes went by quickly as I sat at a table feeling like an intruder.
We made our way back to the sanctuary for the remainder of the conference. After the final session ended, no one said a word to me. I gathered my belongings and was almost out of the door completely when one of the ladies I sat with at lunch (the pastor’s wife) rushed to my side and thanked me for coming to their conference. I thanked her, too, for her hospitality (although there was a shortage that day at that church).
I wrote all of this to say …
Please don’t be like people in that church. Don’t be like this especially at a church!
Create awareness and make people feel seen! It will leave a lasting impression on them. What’s interesting is that just Sunday I was in a cultural training that asked, “What would you do if you entered a church where no one welcomed you, no one acknowledged you?” One of the people in attendance to my right answered by saying, “I would go home!” Others joined in and said, “Yes, I believe I would have to get up and go right back to my house.” Well, I didn’t do that the day of the conference, as I wanted to hear what the author had to say on the subject of healing from trauma (whether it is classified as a Big T or a Little T, it’s still recovering from hurt).
Is it uncomfortable going places by yourself? You bet it is. It takes a LOT to walk into a room full of people when it’s just you with the Lord by your side.
Make a point to speak to people. Even if they don’t go to your church. That’s all the more reason to welcome someone in. Make them feel welcome, wanted, seen, and valued.
