Skulk
As time passes, our memories can become something different than what actually happened. That is not to say a person is necessarily not telling what actually happened, but they are telling how they remember it in the now not in the past.
As is normal for me, I bounce from one spectrum to another like a rubber ball. I will have an underlying feeling of courage to become an open participant in a conversation or activity. Then the next moment I am back to the hesitant, afraid little boy that doesn’t want his hand slapped.
To overcome the fearful side of my persona in relation to the forum, I created another account and took the form of an actor playing a part which helps push aside the internal fears. What can anyone say? I am just playing a part. That part was “The Mad Lurker.” The Mad Lurker skulked around the forums peeking into places where he could make a stupid comment or two that then rapidly escape any rebuttal. The Mad Lurker would rarely respond to any comments upon his comments. However, my acting was not that good as I was discovered by a certain someone. The conversations then turned into a playful banter of truly foolish nature that turned into momentous hours of fun.
The thought while writing this is I should have used the name…
The Mad Skulker.
Shock
As the gathering of online friends continued nightly, we found ourselves not caring what anyone outside of our group thought. When once we were uncomfortable in real life around certain people, we now had our own group of friends who became more like family. Weeks turned into months and months into years. We knew without a doubt the loyalty of this group of friends.
Back to our online forum aka “lounge” days.
Sir Shyknight and his friend, Fogel, finally felt comfortable enough in the group to move into private conversations. Shyknight was only lurking in the lounge due to Fogel insisting he take a look around. Fogel was, indeed, the more outspoken one, but these two together were a force to be reckoned with. While they had their playful and silly side (as I recall a certain gentleman writing that he was dancing around his office chair, which made me giggle), they each had hearts as big as the universe!
Now, remember early on I thought I had chosen a screen name no one would recognize and thought surely no one would be able to find me. Imagine the shock I had the morning I picked up the telephone at work and heard the caller on the other end speak my name. The accent was strong, and I knew immediately this was not someone from the deep South such as myself. Intrigued by the northern accent and soft yet manly voice that was speaking to me in such a familiar way, imagine my shock and dismay when he announced he was none other than Shyknight!
How was this possible?
Frozen right where I sat, I struggled with my words.
How did he find me?
He began to speak of the subtle clues I had given him at first, and then more telling details, which unknowingly to me, allowed him to track me down. Without telling him the name of my employer during our conversations, I soon learned there weren’t many bridge companies in the south!
Ah, to be young and naive. Meanwhile, Shyknight turned out not to be quite as shy as even HE had thought, for he reached out to me!
He soon calmed my fears and let me know he was not a threat to us. Whew! I remember a wave of relief washing over me as he warned of the dangers of the online world while we were speaking on the phone. The thought brings a smile to this very day. A “stranger” I met online was warning me of the dangers of giving too many details to strangers online that might lead to them finding me in real life! EEK!!
These two were not a threat at all but were, instead, bright lights piercing the darkness. Having learned of my whereabouts, I soon learned why they tracked me down. They were behind every care package that arrived for my daughter and me during the early years. Such thought was put into every package, and I have no doubt it was sealed with love each time. From macaroni and cheese to stuffed animals, they chose items for my young daughter to surprise her and added treats for me that warmed my heart. What a blessing it was to receive the boxes full of goodies. No one had ever done anything like that for us before.
Ease
It took a couple days for mental back and forth before throwing caution to the wind and logging back into that “place.” The next test was what in the world do I say?
I have always been awkward in social situations. I don’t know what to say or I feel like I will sound stupid no matter what I say. So, it is much easier for just sit off to the side and listen. You could say I was the perpetual president of “The Wallflowers of America – Illinois Chapter.”
Being this way all my life, I have learned to listen. So that is what I did once I went back. I listened, or in reality, just read posts. I read and read. You start to get really good idea of what a person is like with the way they express themselves in print. What words they choose. What phrases they use.
I would throw out the occasional post which more often than not had absolutely nothing to do with the conversation going on. The magical thing is that a certain person would almost always respond. It became at times what you might called a verbal waltz. Dancing to the whisper of a hidden orchestra playing behind the words on the screen.
After a time, I started to feel more at ease. You see that is important to people that are like me; quiet, reserved, and basically afraid to initiate most forms of communication. Feeling at ease is important to most people but some of us it is first and foremost in our minds.
