Light, Love, Hope

As the gathering of online friends continued nightly, we found ourselves not caring what anyone outside of our group thought.  When once we were uncomfortable in real life around certain people, we now had our own group of friends who became more like family.  Weeks turned into months and months into years.  We knew without a doubt the loyalty of this group of friends.

Back to our online forum aka “lounge” days.

Sir Shyknight and his friend, Fogel, finally felt comfortable enough in the group to move into private conversations.  Shyknight was only lurking in the lounge due to Fogel insisting he take a look around.  Fogel was, indeed, the more outspoken one, but these two together were a force to be reckoned with.  While they had their playful and silly side (as I recall a certain gentleman writing that he was dancing around his office chair, which made me giggle), they each had hearts as big as the universe!

Now, remember early on I thought I had chosen a screen name no one would recognize and thought surely no one would be able to find me.  Imagine the shock I had the morning I picked up the telephone at work and heard the caller on the other end speak my name.  The accent was strong, and I knew immediately this was not someone from the deep South such as myself.  Intrigued by the northern accent and soft yet manly voice that was speaking to me in such a familiar way,  imagine my shock and dismay when he announced he was none other than Shyknight!

How was this possible?

Frozen right where I sat, I struggled with my words.

How did he find me?

He began to speak of the subtle clues I had given him at first, and then more telling details, which unknowingly to me, allowed him to track me down.  Without telling him the name of my employer during our conversations, I soon learned there weren’t many bridge companies in the south!

Ah, to be young and naive. Meanwhile, Shyknight turned out not to be quite as shy as even HE had thought, for he reached out to me!

He soon calmed my fears and let me know he was not a threat to us.  Whew!  I remember a wave of relief washing over me as he warned of the dangers of the online world while we were speaking on the phone.  The thought brings a smile to this very day.  A “stranger” I met online was warning me of the dangers of giving too many details to strangers online that might lead to them finding me in real life!  EEK!!

These two were not a threat at all but were, instead, bright lights piercing the darkness.  Having learned of my whereabouts, I soon learned why they tracked me down.   They were behind every care package that arrived for my daughter and me during the early years.  Such thought was put into every package, and I have no doubt it was sealed with love each time.  From macaroni and cheese to stuffed animals, they chose items for my young daughter to surprise her and added treats for me that warmed my heart.  What a blessing it was to receive the boxes full of goodies. No one had ever done anything like that for us before.

It took a couple days for mental back and forth before throwing caution to the wind and logging back into that “place.” The next test was what in the world do I say?

I have always been awkward in social situations. I don’t know what to say or I feel like I will sound stupid no matter what I say. So, it is much easier for just sit off to the side and listen. You could say I was the perpetual president of “The Wallflowers of America – Illinois Chapter.”

Being this way all my life, I have learned to listen. So that is what I did once I went back. I listened, or in reality, just read posts. I read and read. You start to get really good idea of what a person is like with the way they express themselves in print. What words they choose. What phrases they use.

I would throw out the occasional post which more often than not had absolutely nothing to do with the conversation going on. The magical thing is that a certain person would almost always respond. It became at times what you might called a verbal waltz. Dancing to the whisper of a hidden orchestra playing behind the words on the screen.

After a time, I started to feel more at ease. You see that is important to people that are like me; quiet, reserved, and basically afraid to initiate most forms of communication. Feeling at ease is important to most people but some of us it is first and foremost in our minds.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  Everyone has their own beliefs about meeting people on the internet.  We’ve heard horror stories of kidnappings and serial killers.  We were told of the pure evilness of the internet as if the devil himself orchestrated it.  Now it was invading every household.   With that in mind, I was certain to disguise myself behind a screen name that gave off little information about myself.  Besides, it wasn’t just myself I had to think about here, for I had a toddler to protect!

I wasn’t as creative as this mysterious Shyknight character.  I was just an ordinary girl stepping out into the vast unknown of the world wide web.  SHB01 was what I came up with, which was later turned into Shooby by adoring fans.  Ha!  My “friends in the box” teased me with that nickname after we all became familiar with each other and comfortable enough to poke fun.  Yes, even Sir Shyknight, who we later learned had a tendency to be a prankster.

Ah, but in those early days, we were all just putting ourselves out there little by little, wondering if we would be accepted.  We came, just as we were from different walks of life, and surprisingly, we were welcomed with open arms.  One by one, friendships were formed just by a couple of strangers sharing their heartache and pain, mixed with laughter along the way.  Stories were shared of real-life struggles we were facing. Surprisingly to me, others were in deeper turmoil than I.  They, too, were in need of support and found it harder as adults to make new friends.  So, we sat at our computers, staring at the screen.  Scrolling through the topics, we read pieces that allowed a glimpse into that person’s life.  Often times we would take our conversations out of the public arena and into private emails or chats.  We shared with complete honesty and transparency our innermost thoughts and feelings without holding back.  That’s one thing about the internet.  Because you don’t walk alongside them daily in real life, you feel free to bare your soul.  You do so without hesitation or fear. You feel safe as you forge ahead.  In doing so, true friendships were made.  My new friends made me forget the ugliness that was going on around me.  Through their acceptance, compassion, support, and encouragement, they restored my faith in humanity.

It became a nightly ritual for me.  After reading my daughter’s favorite book to her, she would put her tiny hands together to pray.  As she closed her eyes, the longest blonde eyelashes touched her cheeks. With her favorite blanket and her
pink “Love Me” bear by her side, I tucked her into bed.  I kissed her on the forehead as she drifted off to dreamland.  I sat watching my little angel sleep for a while.  She was so peaceful.  I stroked her hair as I admired this beautiful gift God has given me.  I have always felt so completely blessed to be her mother.  Not wishing to wake her, I would quietly sneak out of her room into the next.  As I turned on the computer, I looked forward to sharing a few hours with my online friends.