Create Awareness & Make People Feel Seen
In my effort to heal the pain inflicted on my heart by the toxic pastor and others in his church that I wrote about previously, I attended a women’s conference this past weekend at another church. It’s known that our phones “listen” to us, as we find topics we discuss with our friends or family now popping up on ads when you scroll Facebook. That was most definitely the case here, as the ad for the women’s conference popped up back in June after talking about church hurt. I knew the conference was a few months away, but at the time, I wanted to learn more about what this Christian author had to say on the subject.
Even though some time had passed and I moved on to surround myself with true Godly people, I had already signed up to attend the conference. So, this past Saturday, I drove 45 minutes to a nearby town alone to a church I had never been to before. I arrived a few minutes early and saw a few ladies walking into the church together. As I walked toward the door, I noticed a long table set up with workbooks for the conference. No one was “manning” the table, so I just assumed I was to pick up one of the workbooks and go inside to take my seat. No one greeted me. There was not anyone at the door when I walked inside. I found this rather odd, but honestly, nothing surprises me these days. Within a few minutes, a lady appeared saying she was coming, then nervously laughed as she said it was so hot outside she stepped in to cool off. I introduced myself, smiled, said thank you for her coming over, and walked down front to take a seat. There were ladies seated together in pairs or more talking amongst themselves. I slipped into the third row and sat alone. The church offered breakfast, so everyone was filing in from the fellowship hall when I noticed a familiar face. She was so pleasant as she came over to speak to me briefly and offered a hug before finding her friend and taking a seat beside her. Another lady I used to work with came by shortly thereafter, said “Hey,” and then quickly went to the back to take a seat. That was it. They were the only three people to speak to me that morning.
I was a new person at their church. No one greeted me initially. The sanctuary was filling up, and although three finally exchanged pleasantries, others did not welcome me at their church. It was almost as if I was invisible.
The conference started, the speaker began to pray, and I felt like someone was standing near me. I opened my eyes to find two ladies standing there who looked a little annoyed that I had my head bowed in prayer instead of acknowledging them. When I realized they were there, one asked with a tone, “Can we sit down?” I responded, “Oh, of course,” as I moved my legs to allow them to enter the row I was sitting on alone.
That was it. No one else spoke to me.
I wasn’t there for extended conversations. That wasn’t the point. I was there for the conference. However, it would have been nice for others at the church to acknowledge me, have awareness that I was there, and make me feel seen. Being welcomed and included might have been a stretch, as people don’t like to include “strangers.” So I wasn’t expecting too much that day.
After one session, the speaker told us to break for lunch that had been prepared for us. Everyone was to make their way to the fellowship hall. That was a nice touch. So, as we ended the session, everyone scattered to the available bathrooms and then on to the fellowship hall. I was a little later joining the rest of the ladies in the fellowship hall, so I was at the back of the line when it came to fixing my plate. That didn’t bother me. No one said anything despite me trying to smile and add to the joyful conversation. After I fixed my plate, I had to choose a table to sit at. I looked around at all of the ladies talking amongst themselves, then chose a nearby table. I approached and asked if they would mind if I sat with them (feeling like I was back in high school just wanting to be accepted and have someone to eat lunch with). The two ladies motioned like it was okay, so I took a seat at “their” table. I introduced myself, and they asked if I was with someone else. They looked at me like I had five heads when I told them I came alone. Then they asked how I heard about the conference. I explained the ad popped up on Facebook for the event that was open to the public, and I thanked them for holding such a conference for not just those in their church. I wanted to make sure I didn’t crash their party so to speak. Then they acknowledged that it was, indeed, open to the public. They asked a few more questions, but that was it. I tried to hold a conversation, but it just did not feel like a welcoming environment. We were only given 25 minutes for lunch, which also included the wait time for lines in the bathrooms, but I was pretty relieved when those minutes went by quickly as I sat at a table feeling like an intruder.
We made our way back to the sanctuary for the remainder of the conference. After the final session ended, no one said a word to me. I gathered my belongings and was almost out of the door completely when one of the ladies I sat with at lunch (the pastor’s wife) rushed to my side and thanked me for coming to their conference. I thanked her, too, for her hospitality (although there was a shortage that day at that church).
I wrote all of this to say …
Please don’t be like people in that church. Don’t be like this especially at a church!
Create awareness and make people feel seen! It will leave a lasting impression on them. What’s interesting is that just Sunday I was in a cultural training that asked, “What would you do if you entered a church where no one welcomed you, no one acknowledged you?” One of the people in attendance to my right answered by saying, “I would go home!” Others joined in and said, “Yes, I believe I would have to get up and go right back to my house.” Well, I didn’t do that the day of the conference, as I wanted to hear what the author had to say on the subject of healing from trauma (whether it is classified as a Big T or a Little T, it’s still recovering from hurt).
Is it uncomfortable going places by yourself? You bet it is. It takes a LOT to walk into a room full of people when it’s just you with the Lord by your side.
Make a point to speak to people. Even if they don’t go to your church. That’s all the more reason to welcome someone in. Make them feel welcome, wanted, seen, and valued.
God Did Not Hurt Us
On the heels of what occurred at the toxic church I wrote about yesterday, I was determined not to let evil win. Even though my husband was ready to throw in the towel and quit church altogether, I was not going to allow that to happen. He wanted to turn away from God until I pointed out to him that GOD did NOT hurt us. The toxic pastor and people of the previous church hurt us. We needed to separate that entirely from God, as that church did not display the characteristics of Christ. You can post the nine fruits of the spirit on every window in the sanctuary, but the behavior of the pastor behind closed doors did not line up with said fruits. We saw a completely different version than the pastor that stood at the door shaking hands on Sunday morning and speaking so eloquently from the platform. He was deceitful from the phone call he placed to my husband saying he wanted us to come in to talk as he didn’t want us in pain. He lead us to believe he cared about us, but when we arrived, we saw a red-faced demon with bulging eyes assaulting with accusations but not backing up anything with facts or proof. We did not see a pastor displaying self-control. He did not offer or display love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, nor faithfulness. He did not exhibit traits of kindness nor gentleness either. My mouth almost dropped open with the way he was behaving “in the house of the Lord” in his office behind closed doors with his select few alongside him. One of the “leaders” had spoken to me a few days prior and was one way with me alone and a completely different way in the presence of the pastor. She turned from a person “speaking in tongues” in church, showing off on stage, to looking down her nose at me, then she outright lied about something she said days before. I guess sitting right there beside the pastor changed things. The other “leader” in the room also turned against us, but that did not surprise me either. Page 115 of Atomic Habits actually begins to discuss how people will side with others, even when they are wrong, as they do not want to be excluded from the group. That happened right in front of our eyes. While we were greatly disappointed, it did not surprise us in the least.
I’m thankful for God’s protection that day not allowing the pastor’s hatefulness to penetrate my soul. I walked out of that church with my head held high knowing who I was and more importantly, WHOSE I was! Despite what was said and despite the awful treatment I received from the pastor and leadership, God sent His Son to die on the cross for me, too, because He thought I was worth it. He proved it, and I AM a Child of the Most High God. The ill-treatment did not change who I am nor WHOSE I am. It yanked the blinders off so fast and revealed the true character of the toxic pastor and leadership. It made us realize we wanted no part of it. We did not even want the shirts they gave “first time visitors” which displayed the name of the church boldly across the front of it. In fact, my husband went to the car right before we drove off that night, took all of the shirts in our possession with the church name on it, and tossed them on the ground at the door of the church. When I once proudly wore the shirt on the platform with my worship teammates, it was now tarnished and tainted. We wanted no part of it.
Church hurt is talked about online on so many different platforms. There are Facebook pages dedicated to this topic and even Facebook groups full of people with story after story of how they were abused by someone with spiritual authority at the church. Whether it was the pastor or people serving in leadership roles, they inflicted emotional, relational, or spiritual pain upon so many in different churches. It seems to hurt worse when it’s from “people of God;” the very ones you never expected to turn on you or hurt you. The ones that are supposed to be like Christ, who end up being further from who Christ is and what Christ represents. Whether the hurt came from personality conflicts which lead to gossip with others turning against them, or whether they were manipulated, excluded or ostracized, or were physically or sexually assaulted even. Church hurt is real, and it is devastating when the very people we thought were “of God” did not display the love of Christ.
God did not do this.
It is important to separate what “they” did from God and Jesus.
Please don’t let “people of the church” that hurt you cause you to turn away from God. Even if you don’t want to step foot in another church right now, that is okay! Please do not feel shameful or guilty if that’s where you are right now. You can STILL worship God right there in your home. You can still read your Bible. If that’s too painful, cry out to God and let Him meet you there. He knows what has happened to you, but some times we need to be vulnerable and say to Him, “This hurts, God! The deceit, betrayal, lies, false narratives, accusations, the way the pastor spoke to me and the way the leaders sided with him and no one stood up for me HURT deeply.” Let it all out. God can handle it. Even if you’re angry and want to lash out asking God, “WHY didn’t you stop this? Why did people that were supposed to be representing you do something like this? Why did you allow it?” He can handle all of it. Please take all of it to Him in prayer. Let God know your heart, and then let God wrap you in His love! Let him be near to you in your brokenness. Let him bind up the wounds the pastor, leaders, or church people inflicted upon you. Let God love on you the way others should have but failed to do. YOU belong to Him, even if you no longer belong to the church that hurt you.
Please separate who hurt you and let God heal your heart.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18)
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4)
Church Hurt
It has taken me two months to write this post due to the hurt inflicted upon us by the pastor at a local church we attended for seven months. Sadly, church hurt is all too common and is one of the reasons people turn away from God. I wish I could speak with everyone ever affected by “church hurt” and let them know that the hurt came from PEOPLE, not from God! It’s hard to separate the two when it happens in a church, though. People automatically want to blame God. This happened with my husband, and he swore he wasn’t going to read the bible, pray, or go to church any more. I asked him why he felt this way. He looked at me as if he was confused and said, “Because we just got hurt by the church!” I was quick to point out, “Misguided people in the church hurt us. God did not. Don’t take it out on God!”
That’s what I would like everyone to know. While they are supposed to be “God’s people,” HE did not hurt you. God did not inflict this pain upon you. People who were supposed to be representing God are the ones that hurt you!
That same pastor held a “training” where he talked about there not being any such thing as “church hurt.” He said it wasn’t real, then turned around a few short months later and gloated in my face as he was causing the hurt and pain. I have never experienced looking a demon in the eyes until that day. My body literally went numb when the pastor was raising his voice and speaking untruths. It was as if God placed a shield around me and did not allow the daggers to get through to my soul. The assassination attempt of my heart and soul by this pastor was a failed attempt as God intervened. He held me while this unfounded verbal assault was taking place.
What lead to this? I requested prayer for my mother and also my friend who was scheduled to have surgery. I did not announce this prayer request to the entire congregation. I only requested prayer from the worship team, as I was a member of the team at that time. I simply asked my fellow worship team members to pray for my mom and my friend. I could see if they thought I was attention seeking by requesting anything for myself, but I was not. Even then, I should have been able to take my prayer concerns to my fellow believers in the church and on my team. However, I made sure to keep MY personal “stuff” out of any conversation and just request prayer for two people in my life that were going through some hard things at that point.
I’ll never know the lies being told in the background, but I’m sure there was talk about me as one leader told me a meeting was held to discuss me while I was away taking care of my friend after the surgery. I let everyone know on the worship team as soon as I learned of my friend’s surgery date getting moved up. I gave advance notice so they would have time to cover any services I would miss. While I was away from church for four to five Sundays, little did I know that trouble was brewing. It wasn’t until I was asked what my intentions were on returning that I discovered I had been the topic of conversation in my absence.
Let me be clear.
This was NOT a paid position at a church. I was not working for the church as an employee. I was serving in a volunteer position on the worship team. Even still, I provided advance notice when I would be absent from the team. I over-communicated on this to ensure there was coverage in my absence.
I learned that obviously they did not want me to come back. They accused me of causing division when I was not even in the state at the time and was not having any type of conversation with anyone at the church during my absence. There were no phone conversations, no private texts messages, just one message to the worship team requesting prayer for my friend prior to his surgery.
I’ll never know what went on behind my back when I was out of state. It’s obvious that my name came up in a meeting, as I was told, and a discussion was held about me. Instead of coming TO me, they talked ABOUT me. The thing is, they had a training where the pastor mentioned going “TO” the person and not having conversations “ABOUT” them. Yet, this took place where they do not practice what they preach at that church. The pastor also talked about extending grace, yet none was extended to me.
My heart breaks for anyone hurt by the church they trusted to “be there” for them. For anyone that served on a team at their church that later found out how toxic leadership was, my heart goes out to you.
I ignored the red flags. I’ll be honest and say a few months before this happened, the pastor had a meeting with the worship team about “who” they should target during the Sunday morning worship time. He drew on the dry erase white board circles of what was supposed to represent specific groups of people. The first was the larger, outer circle representing people that only go to church on holidays. The pastor said we did not need to target that group with our worship. The next slightly smaller circle represented people who go to church a little more often during the year, but the pastor said we were not to target these more curious people with our worship either. He drew another slightly smaller circle and said it represented people that were wanting more involvement in the church. They were seeking to learn more and be involved. THOSE were the ones the pastor said the worship team was to target. The reason? Because once you get them involved, it will take about two years for them to start paying tithes. The pastor wanted those “money makers” to be targeted. Internally, I cringed when those words came out of his mouth. Yet, he moved on to say the slightly smaller circle he drew next were of members already involved and paying tithes, so you didn’t need to target them. Then the smallest circle of all represented more mature people in the church, the older generation that has already served, already given and continued to give. The worship team was instructed by the pastor to target the ones in the circle that would pay tithes once engaged within the two year time period.
Red flag.
I did not share that training with my husband until well after things eroded and the conversation was had inside the pastor’s office on the day we left the church. While I know churches depend on tithes to pay bills and keep the church operating, you should be concerned for EVERYONE’S SOUL. Everyone at that church should have been included and ushered into the presence of God in the morning worship time, not just those that would dig into their pockets and give to the church.
There is a positive in all of this negative with the church we previously attended. You see, I recently sold a house. It was a house I fought to keep at one point in my life when I went through a terrible divorce. It was the only home my baby girl had ever known. Even though things did not work out with her father, I did not want to uproot her from her home, so I did everything within my power to keep this house. Thank the good Lord above, I was able to finance it into my name after paying him the equity he requested for this house. This house served me and my family well for many, many years, as I also welcomed another beautiful baby girl after remarrying several years after the divorce. When my husband and I bought another house across town, we kept that home so my oldest daughter would be able to stay when she got married. She lived there several years and had a beautiful baby boy she brought home from the hospital to that very house as well. The house saw lots of happy times, but when she and her family decided to move closer to his job, we put the house on the market. We had an offer almost immediately, then a cash offer followed. We, ultimately, sold it to the cash buyer, and thank the LORD I did not do what I initially thought of doing … and that was giving the church a large sum of money from the sale of my house! Maybe I would have been deemed more valuable had I done so since their focus seemed to be more on the tithe payers. However, it would have only been a matter of time before their true colors were showing. I believe I held on to this money as it did not need to go into the hands of such toxic people at the church. I am so thankful for the positive here in that I did NOT rush to pay a large sum to the church I had only attended for a few months.
For anyone hurt by people in the church or by the pastor, I want to reiterate what I started with. GOD did not hurt you. Toxic people, wolves in sheep’s clothing, false prophets, and others in the church may have hurt you. However, GOD did not. Please, with everything in me, I ask that you please not turn away from our Lord and Savior. He loves you, and He would never turn you away like the toxic leader of this church did. God can still take the broken pieces of your heart and mend them back together. Please don’t harden your heart against Him.
Yes, “church hurt” is very real. God’s healing power, His love, His grace, and His mercy are still there reaching out to you.
